Athletes as Actors, part 3: Major League Baseball

Click here for part 1.
Click here for part 2.

Athletes want to be actors, and actors want to be athletes. Baseball players, because of their relatively normal physical stature, are more suitable for a wider variety of roles than, say, a 7-foot-tall freak of nature. That's not to say that they actually get a wider variety of roles. Here are some of the most notable (not necessarily the best) professional baseball players who tried their hand at acting:

Chuck Connors
Wow - the things you learn when you are researching a li'l ole blog post. Without turning this into a "Chuck Connor Biography" post, here are some highlights: after being discharged from the army in 1946, Connors played center (he's only 6'-5" tall) for the Boston Celtics in the 1946-47 season, but left early to go to spring training with the Brooklyn Dodgers. After knocking around in the minors for a couple years, he made it to the bigs in 1949. After 5 weeks and one at-bat, he was sent back down to the minors. He played again in the majors in 1951, where he hit a couple homers for the Cubs. When he was sent down to the Cubs minor league affiliate, the LA Angels, he was noticed by a fan who was also a casting director. His focus turned to acting and he appeared in dozens of movies and TV shows. He's most well known as the star of "The Rifleman," which ran on TV from 1958-1963. Also appeared in Fantasy Island, The Love Boat, and Soylent Green.

Soldier. Basketball player. Baseball player. Badass Rifleman. Nice little career, Mr. Connors. Kudos.

Keith Hernandez
Due to its New York setting, Seinfeld very frequently featured NY baseball players in the show. Some of the players featured included Danny Tartabull, Paul O'Neill ("You promised a kid in the hospital that I'd hit two home runs?"), Bernie Williams ("are you the guy put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?"), and Derek Jeter. But no NY athlete had a more memorable appearance on Seinfeld than former Mets first baseman Keith Hernandez. After meeting Jerry in the health club locker room, he asks Jerry to help him move ("Help him move? You just met the guy!"). Hernandez is not exactly deserving of an Emmy for his performance, but the episode he appeared in ("The Boyfriend") was great, in part due to his portrayal of himself.

Best line: "I'm Keith Hernandez."

Wade Boggs
This former Red Sox/Yankees Hall-of-Famer also played himself, in an episode of Cheers where he gets pantsed by the gang at the bar. Nothing more than a cameo, but it was memorable for me because I was a big fan of Cheers back in the day.

Best line: "But I AM Wade Boggs!"

Jim Lefebvre
The former major league player and manager had a couple notable roles in the 60s. He appeared on Batman as one of The Riddler's henchmen in two different episodes (and was the victim of several "whams," "pows," and "kerblams" from Batman and Robin), and he appeared on Gilligan's Island as a "native" in the episode where the natives think Gilligan is a god. Also, in the 80s, he had minor parts on St. Elsewhere, Alice, and M*A*S*H.

Best line: "pulu si bagumba"

Bob Uecker
Uecker was the star of Mr. Belvedere, which ran from 1985 to 1990. He even hosted SNL. Not bad for a lousy backup catcher with a .200 lifetime batting average. He didn't win any awards, but his show was on for a long time. He also played the announcer in Major League and its sequels.

Most famous line: "Juuuuust a bit outside."

The Simpsons
On the Simpsons episode entitled "Homer at The Bat," C. Montgomery Burns stacks his softball team with a bunch of ringers from the major leagues in order to win a bet with the owner of the Shelbyville nuclear power plant. While technically I'm not sure you could consider this acting, all of the following players lent their voices to this episode: Ken Griffey Jr., Don Mattingly, Jose Canseco, Darryl Strawberry, Roger Clemens, Mike Scioscia, Steve Sax, Ozzie Smith, and Wade Boggs (Burns originally wanted Honus Wagner, Cap Anson, and Three-Finger Brown). All of the players eventually get hurt in various ways except Strawberry, who of course plays the same position as Homer. Homer ends up driving in the winning run with a ninth inning bases-loaded "hit-by-pitch." In the DVD release of the season, the director's commentary notes that all of the players were great to work with except one who they won't name except his name rhymes with Manseco. Canseco was originally slated to have an extramarital affair with Edna Krabappel, Bart's teacher, but Canseco's then-wife objected.

Best line: Homer - "No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you."

Don Drysdale
The former dodger hall-of-fame pitcher, who was also a star basketball player at UCLA, appeared on several TV shows in the 60s and 70s. His credits include appearances on The Brady Bunch, Leave It To Beaver, and The Rifleman. Mostly, he played either baseball players or announcers.

Best line: "Greg, you suck. There is no way you can be a major league pitcher. Give it up already."

In summary, like basketball players, baseball players mostly portray themselves or "baseball players" or announcers. Very few have broken out of that mold. It's probably because most baseball players are kinda dumb. Not that it takes a brain surgeon to play baseball, but they do have to memorize lines and where to stand - which requires, you know, thinking.

I know I must have missed some. Send me your suggestions in the comments. I think I'll tackle part 4 (other sports - golf, boxing, hockey, cricket, badminton, soccer, etc.) next week.

Spring Training Irony

Listen *sniff sniff* - do you smell somethin'? Well, I do. It's the smell of irony. Utilityman Scott Spiezio was released by the St. Louis Cardinals because of a misdemeanor drunk driving/assault incident that happened in southern California in December. What makes this fall under the category of "irony" is this quote from Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa:

"I think it's a consistent message about what the team represents."

But LaRussa himself was arrested during spring training in March of last year, after being found asleep at the wheel of his vehicle at a stoplight in Florida. What LaRussa obviously meant to say was:

"I think it's a new message that the team just came up with about what the team represents."

or

"Thank god the message about what the team represents did not apply last year at this time. Otherwise, I'd be working in a carwash right now."

or

"Since we had a drunk player crash his car and die last year, we have decided to release any player who is accused of committing a misdemeanor."

I'm not a Scott Spiezio fan. In fact, as far as I know, he's be a total douche. I just have a problem with management having a different set of rules for themselves than they have for their employees. Unless LaRussa's quote was intended to be in jest and he appreciates the irony, he's a clueless dolt.

Gary Sheffield - Attention Whore

Urbandictionary.com defines "attention whore" as follows:

Label given to any person who craves attention to such an extent that they will do anything to receive it. The type of attention (negative or positive) does not matter.

Detroit Tigers outfielder/DH/attention-whore/trouble-maker Gary Sheffield seems to be constantly in the middle of a controversy, complaining about something, or manufacturing some sort of drama out of thin air. Here is a brief description of his tumultuous career and the various dramas he has started or been a part of:

• When he was a 19-year-old minor leaguer, Sheff and his uncle Dwight Gooden were involved in an incident where Sheff was charged with resisting arrest and battery. Later that same year, while on probation for the first incident, he was charged with DUI, eluding arrest, and speeding.
• When he was with the Milwaukee Brewers, he started at shortstop for a while. After his play started to decline, and a "better" SS came along (Bill Spiers was better? Really?), he was moved to third base. Rather than just be a team player and accept the move, he claimed the team was racist. The team eventually got tired of his whining and shipped him to San Diego.
• A few days after the 1995 season, he was grazed by a bullet while his car idled at a stoplight in Tampa.
• When he was with the LA Dodgers, he was involved in a scuffle in the stands at Wrigley Field. He claimed he was acting as a peacemaker.
• During one off season when he was with the Dodgers, he decided to use the press to lobby for a trade. He insulted his teammates, derided club management, called chairman Bob Daly a liar, screamed racism when the club refused to double the value of his contract, and made vague accusations about misdeeds he had uncovered within the organization.
• Um, steroids.
• After a fan took a swipe at him in the right field corner in Fenway Park in Boston, he shoved the fan. Charges were filed against him, but were later dropped.
• Sheff pulled out his "race card" again, accusing Joe Torre of treating white players differently, and saying the Jeter wasn't "all the way black."
• In the June, 2007 issue of GQ Magazine, Sheffield was quoted saying that there are more Latin baseball players than black players because Latinos are easier to control.
• His wife was "featured" in a sex tape with "singer" R. Kelly.

Sheff's in the news again. He's currently involved in a lawsuit with his former agent Scott Boras over fees that Boras wants Sheff to pay him for a contract he signed with the Yankees a few years ago. Sheff claims he fired him before his contract negotiations started, so he owes him nothing. It's only a matter of time before Sheff accuses Boras of being racist. He's like the Uncle Leo of baseball players ("I'll bet you the cook is an anti-Semite. They don't just overcook a hamburger, Jerry.").

Maybe it's just a coincidence that all of this keeps happening to Gary Sheffield. Maybe he's a wonderful guy, and he's just unlucky. Or maybe he's just a real prick. I know which way I'm leaning.

Tigers - Restore The Roar

I know it's the offseason, but I like hearing heartwarming stuff around Christmas time. Dontrelle Willis, who has been a Tiger for less than a month, is already a favorite among fans because of this. Players don't have to do this, and Willis has no previous ties to the area, which makes this an extra special effort on his part. The Tigers have already signed him to a three-year extension, and are working on an extension for Miguel Cabrera as well.

Is sure is nice to see the Tigers being relevent again. I got so tired of "The Bobby Higginson Years," during which the Tigers never had any chance of competing with the top dogs in the AL. Randy Smith proved time after time that he was a horrible GM and had no idea what he was doing. Since he came aboard, Dave Dombrowski has consistently proven that he is one of the most savvy GMs in the game. He has made some great trades, and his drafts have produced Verlander (no-hitter in his second year), Miller and Maybin (used to acquire Willis & Cabrera), Granderson (20+ HR/3B/2B/SB last year), and Zumaya (injury prone, but powerful future closer). The best player produced from Randy Smith's last two drafts is utilityman Ryan Raburn.

It's still 2007, but I am as anxious for 2008 spring training as I can remember being in a long time. Ted, this post was for you.

Bless You Boys...

This Day In History - Ty Cobb

Today, December 18th, is the anniversary of the birth of Ty Cobb (in 1886), widely considered to be both one of the greatest baseball players of all-time and one of the biggest assholes of all-time. While his on-field exploits are well-known, I would like to detail some of his more infamous off-field "accomplishments" (this is culled from wikipedia, which uses lots of Cobb books as sources):

• When his son, Ty Jr., flunked out of Princeton, Ty traveled to campus and beat his son with a whip to "ensure against future academic failure." His son then enrolled at Yale, where he was arrested twice for drunkenness and never graduated. However, he did eventually become a doctor.


• He apparently was a very wise investor. At the time of his death, his estate was worth over $11 million (mostly GE and Coca Cola stock). In 1961, he checked into Emory hospital for the last time, carrying with him a paper bag containing over $1 million in negotiable bonds and a Luger pistol. He died a month later.


• He served for 67 days in WWI, under the command of Branch Rickey, the legendary baseball executive. Also in his unit were fellow baseball hall-of-famers Christy Mathewson and George Sisler.


• In 1926, Cobb and fellow future hall-of-famer Tris Speaker retired from baseball (they were both player-managers at the time) on the same day. They were coerced into retirement by the commissioner because of game fixing allegations. After hearings with the commish, they were allowed to retire without any publicity. Two months later, they were both cleared and re-joined the league, albeit with different teams.


• Cobb was noted for his numerous fights, both on and off the field. After one on-field argument, Cobb and umpire Billy Evans arranged to settle their differences with a fistfight, to be conducted under the grandstand after the game. Members of both teams were spectators, and broke up the scuffle after Cobb had knocked Evans down, pinned him, and began choking him. In another incident, Cobb slapped a black elevator operator for being "uppity." When a black night watchman intervened, Cobb pulled out a knife and stabbed him (The matter was later settled out of court).


• In 1912, he attacked a heckler in the stands. The heckler was handicapped, having lost one entire hand and three fingers of the other hand in an industrial accident. He was suspended for the incident, and his teammates went on strike to protest. For that one game, the Tigers fielded a team of replacement players and lost 24-2. Cobb claimed that this protest led to the formation of the players union.

Can you imagine if this stuff occurred now? The dude would be thrown out of the league for fighting with an umpire or beating a man in the stands. Bottom line: Ty Cobb was kind of a dick.

Tigers Go Fishing - Land Two Prize Marlins

Well, the Detroit Tigers served notice yesterday that they are a force to be reckoned with in the American League. They acquired Marlins stars Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis. All they had to give up were a number five starter with questionable control (Andrew Miller), a talented but unproven young outfielder (Cameron Maybin), a backup catcher (Mike Rabelo), and some prospects. The Tigers now have arguably the best lineup in the majors:

1. Granderson .302
2. Polanco .338
3. Cabrera .320
4. Ordonez .363
5. Sheffield .265
6. Guillen .296
7. Jones .285
8. Rodriguez .281
9. Renterria .332

They acquired a front line lefty starter and perhaps the best young hitter in the majors this side of Pujols without giving up anything significant. For opposing pitchers, this batting order has got to be a scary sight. The most notable thing about this lineup, other than the high level of skill and talent, is the lack of white guys. That's right, the Tigers everyday nine will include six latin players and three black players. Without doing any research, I feel comfortable in asserting that the Tigers are probably the only team in the majors that has this kind of lineup. And I'm not even talking so much about the latin players. Are there any other teams that start three black dudes and zero white dudes (no, Derek Jeter does not count as one of each)? By contrast, my current hometown team, the Astros, had an entire roster last year that included zero black players. Hooray for diversity!

Anyway, the bowl games haven't even started and I'm already officially excited about baseball season.