Big Ten Football and Fictional Seinfeld Movies

Okay, since football season is approaching, I thought I'd post another one of those silly "X compared to Y" things. So, without further ado, I give you: Big Ten Teams as Fictional Seinfeld Movies.

"Death Blow" - Ohio State
Kramer's friend Brody ropes Jerry into bootlegging "Death Blow" during "The Little Kicks" episode. Jerry does such a fantastic job of shooting the bootleg that Brody strongly insists that he also film an arty movie called "Cry, Cry Again." Death Blow is apparently a badass character in the movie. Jim Tressel, and perhaps even Terrelle Pryor, could be OSU's Death Blow. Their recent string of success has Michigan fans in a state of depression and fear. And much like Brody asking Jerry to shoot another bootleg, the BCS keeps asking OSU back to the title game, despite how they keep butchering it.

Tagline: "Death Blow: When someone tries to blow you up, not because of who you are, but for different reasons altogether!"

"Cry, Cry Again" - Michigan
As referenced above, "Cry, Cry Again" is the arty movie that Jerry refused to bootleg for Brody, so Kramer does it himself - poorly, according to Jerry, who now thinks of himself of an expert in bootlegged movies. The end of the movie is taped over by Elaine, who filmed herself dancing to see how bad she really was. Michigan has lost five of the last six games to OSU, and their fans have cried and cried again over this development. The Wolverines are trying to get their mojo back with the hiring of Rich Rodriguez - not unlike the character in "Cry, Cry Again" who buys a loaf of bread.

Quote: "He's trying to buy a loaf of his soul."

Meet Rich Rodriguez - a loaf of soul.

"Sack Lunch" - Michigan State
"Sack Lunch" is the movie that Elaine wanted to see instead of "The English Patient." The implication was that mindless crappy summer comedies are sometimes better than the critically acclaimed dramatic epic blockbusters. MSU would like to win awards and accolades like "The English Patient," but they're most likely going to be relegated to "Sack Lunch" status - sometimes decent, sometimes bad, always hilarious in spots.

Quote: "So d'you think they got shrunk down, or is it just a giant sack?"

"Rochelle Rochelle" - Illinois
During the episode called, appropriately, "The Movie," the gang is supposed to meet up to see "Checkmate" at the Paragon - or is it the Paradise? Things got all wacky and George ended up seeing "Rochelle Rochelle" instead, where he also ran into Jerry and Elaine. I get the feeling that Illinois is going to fall flat this year. Much like "Rochelle Rochelle," I don't think there's much substance there. Both "Rochelle Rochelle" and The Illini have flashy features - nudity, Juice Williams, Arellius Benn, nudity, Ron Zook - but neither is ultimately very satisfying.

Tagline: "A young girl's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk."

"Prognosis Negative" - Iowa
During the episode called "The Dog" (starring the unseen Farfel), Jerry, Elaine and George have to repeatedly scrap plans to see this movie together due to Jerry's unplanned dogsitting duties. Eventually, Jerry and George go see it together while Elaine stays at Jerry's with the dog. Iowa seems to be getting worse every year, and I thank the heavens above that Michigan didn't hire Ferentz this offseason. Their prognosis is indeed negative for the upcoming season.

Quote: "No, it's supposed to be really bad, *really* bad. I mean it's long, there's no story, it's so unbelievably boring."

"Ponce de Leon" - Penn State
While Jerry stayed home with the dog, Elaine and George went to see "Ponce de Leon." George and Elaine had differing opinions on the quality of the movie. Elaine gave it a thumbs down, and George gave it a thumbs up. Penn State is similarly getting mixed reviews for the upcoming season. They don't have an experienced QB, they lost their top running back, their top receiver, and their top CB. I don't see a whole lot there to think they'll be anymore than a middle-of-the-pack team in the Big Ten. In addition, JoePa is like a hundred years old, but continues to coach like he's dipped into Ponce's fountain of youth.

Quote: "When Ponce looked in that mirror and saw that he hadn't changed, and that tear started to roll down his cheek? ... I lost it."

"The Pain and The Yearning" - Minnesota
Elaine decides to see a Gene pick, "Weekend at Bernie's," instead of this 192-minute-long Vincent pick. Minnesota fans, after a dreadful 1-11 season last year, are experiencing much pain and yearning. Unless Tim Brewster shows some sign of progress, Gopher fans are really gonna be yearning for a return to the Glen Mason years.

Tagline: "An old woman experiences pain and yearning."

"Blame It On The Rain" - Indiana
This is the movie that Elaine and Todd Gack go see when Means To An End is sold out. So, basically, it was their fallback or plan B. Indiana is a fallback school for two to three star recruits who don't get offers from ND, Michigan, OSU, Wisconsin, Missouri, Illinois, or Iowa.

Quote: "Come on. Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars. He made a bet he knew he was going to lose just to take you to dinner "

"The Other Side of Darkness" - Northwestern
This movie was a direct-to-video release (Kramer - "that makes me the premier") that Kramer rented and led him to pay a visit to a lawyer to make out his living will. However, he had only watched the first part of the movie, in which a woman went into a coma. After watching the rest of the movie, during which the woman comes out of the coma, Kramer has second thoughts - he had no idea that you could come out of a coma. Northwestern is like the woman in the movie, but we're just not sure which part. Are they going to be comatose this season, or are they going to be refreshed and ready after coming out of their coma?

Quote: "I, Cosmo Kramer, having just seen the movie The Other Side Of Darkness, and not wanting to be in a coma like that lady in the movie, hereby want Jerry Seinfeld to remove my life support, feeding machine, lung-blower, etc, etc, etc."

"Blimp: The Hindenburg Story" - Purdue
This is the movie that was playing in the "The Puerto Rican Day" episode. George wants to shout out a great line ("that's gotta hurt!") during the movie, but a dude with a laser pointer gets more laughs. Purdue is kinda blimp-like. They're predictable, they have the old-man smell/feeling (Joe Tiller looks like Wilford Brimley), and they're bound to go down in flames at some time during the season.

Quote: "Damn you, laser guy! You had to grab it all with your lowbrow laser shtick! You're just a prop comic! Where's the craft?!"

"Chunnel" - Wisconsin
This is the movie that Elaine, Jerry, and Susan go see together, much to the dismay of "Independent George." The plot is so confusing that Elaine and Jerry end up discussing the plot during the whole movie ("I thought he was with them - isn't he with them?"), thereby pissing off Susan. Every year, Wisconsin seems to have a glaring deficiency, but they somehow end up near the top of the Big Ten standings, mostly by sticking to conservative grind-it-out running and good defense. Their success is as inexplicable as the plot of "Chunnel."

Quote: "You're killing Independent George! You know that, don't you?"

And, of course I always love to pile on the Irish when I can, so here's a team that plays several Big Ten teams every year (OK, so it's an actual movie - so sue me):

"The English Patient" - Notre Dame
Elaine didn't like the movie, but no one could believe that she didn't like it. It was a totally overrated and overhyped movie that was full of itself and boring, even though it won a lot of undeserved awards. You see where I'm going with this. Do I need to say anymore?

Quote: "I can't do this any more. I can't. It's too long. (to the screen) Quit telling your stupid story, about the stupid desert, and just die already! (louder) Die!!"

Leave more ideas in the comments.