Thursday, June 26, 2008

Big Ten Football and Fictional Seinfeld Movies

Okay, since football season is approaching, I thought I'd post another one of those silly "X compared to Y" things. So, without further ado, I give you: Big Ten Teams as Fictional Seinfeld Movies.

"Death Blow" - Ohio State
Kramer's friend Brody ropes Jerry into bootlegging "Death Blow" during "The Little Kicks" episode. Jerry does such a fantastic job of shooting the bootleg that Brody strongly insists that he also film an arty movie called "Cry, Cry Again." Death Blow is apparently a badass character in the movie. Jim Tressel, and perhaps even Terrelle Pryor, could be OSU's Death Blow. Their recent string of success has Michigan fans in a state of depression and fear. And much like Brody asking Jerry to shoot another bootleg, the BCS keeps asking OSU back to the title game, despite how they keep butchering it.

Tagline: "Death Blow: When someone tries to blow you up, not because of who you are, but for different reasons altogether!"

"Cry, Cry Again" - Michigan
As referenced above, "Cry, Cry Again" is the arty movie that Jerry refused to bootleg for Brody, so Kramer does it himself - poorly, according to Jerry, who now thinks of himself of an expert in bootlegged movies. The end of the movie is taped over by Elaine, who filmed herself dancing to see how bad she really was. Michigan has lost five of the last six games to OSU, and their fans have cried and cried again over this development. The Wolverines are trying to get their mojo back with the hiring of Rich Rodriguez - not unlike the character in "Cry, Cry Again" who buys a loaf of bread.

Quote: "He's trying to buy a loaf of his soul."

Meet Rich Rodriguez - a loaf of soul.

"Sack Lunch" - Michigan State
"Sack Lunch" is the movie that Elaine wanted to see instead of "The English Patient." The implication was that mindless crappy summer comedies are sometimes better than the critically acclaimed dramatic epic blockbusters. MSU would like to win awards and accolades like "The English Patient," but they're most likely going to be relegated to "Sack Lunch" status - sometimes decent, sometimes bad, always hilarious in spots.

Quote: "So d'you think they got shrunk down, or is it just a giant sack?"

"Rochelle Rochelle" - Illinois
During the episode called, appropriately, "The Movie," the gang is supposed to meet up to see "Checkmate" at the Paragon - or is it the Paradise? Things got all wacky and George ended up seeing "Rochelle Rochelle" instead, where he also ran into Jerry and Elaine. I get the feeling that Illinois is going to fall flat this year. Much like "Rochelle Rochelle," I don't think there's much substance there. Both "Rochelle Rochelle" and The Illini have flashy features - nudity, Juice Williams, Arellius Benn, nudity, Ron Zook - but neither is ultimately very satisfying.

Tagline: "A young girl's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk."

"Prognosis Negative" - Iowa
During the episode called "The Dog" (starring the unseen Farfel), Jerry, Elaine and George have to repeatedly scrap plans to see this movie together due to Jerry's unplanned dogsitting duties. Eventually, Jerry and George go see it together while Elaine stays at Jerry's with the dog. Iowa seems to be getting worse every year, and I thank the heavens above that Michigan didn't hire Ferentz this offseason. Their prognosis is indeed negative for the upcoming season.

Quote: "No, it's supposed to be really bad, *really* bad. I mean it's long, there's no story, it's so unbelievably boring."

"Ponce de Leon" - Penn State
While Jerry stayed home with the dog, Elaine and George went to see "Ponce de Leon." George and Elaine had differing opinions on the quality of the movie. Elaine gave it a thumbs down, and George gave it a thumbs up. Penn State is similarly getting mixed reviews for the upcoming season. They don't have an experienced QB, they lost their top running back, their top receiver, and their top CB. I don't see a whole lot there to think they'll be anymore than a middle-of-the-pack team in the Big Ten. In addition, JoePa is like a hundred years old, but continues to coach like he's dipped into Ponce's fountain of youth.

Quote: "When Ponce looked in that mirror and saw that he hadn't changed, and that tear started to roll down his cheek? ... I lost it."

"The Pain and The Yearning" - Minnesota
Elaine decides to see a Gene pick, "Weekend at Bernie's," instead of this 192-minute-long Vincent pick. Minnesota fans, after a dreadful 1-11 season last year, are experiencing much pain and yearning. Unless Tim Brewster shows some sign of progress, Gopher fans are really gonna be yearning for a return to the Glen Mason years.

Tagline: "An old woman experiences pain and yearning."

"Blame It On The Rain" - Indiana
This is the movie that Elaine and Todd Gack go see when Means To An End is sold out. So, basically, it was their fallback or plan B. Indiana is a fallback school for two to three star recruits who don't get offers from ND, Michigan, OSU, Wisconsin, Missouri, Illinois, or Iowa.

Quote: "Come on. Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars. He made a bet he knew he was going to lose just to take you to dinner "

"The Other Side of Darkness" - Northwestern
This movie was a direct-to-video release (Kramer - "that makes me the premier") that Kramer rented and led him to pay a visit to a lawyer to make out his living will. However, he had only watched the first part of the movie, in which a woman went into a coma. After watching the rest of the movie, during which the woman comes out of the coma, Kramer has second thoughts - he had no idea that you could come out of a coma. Northwestern is like the woman in the movie, but we're just not sure which part. Are they going to be comatose this season, or are they going to be refreshed and ready after coming out of their coma?

Quote: "I, Cosmo Kramer, having just seen the movie The Other Side Of Darkness, and not wanting to be in a coma like that lady in the movie, hereby want Jerry Seinfeld to remove my life support, feeding machine, lung-blower, etc, etc, etc."

"Blimp: The Hindenburg Story" - Purdue
This is the movie that was playing in the "The Puerto Rican Day" episode. George wants to shout out a great line ("that's gotta hurt!") during the movie, but a dude with a laser pointer gets more laughs. Purdue is kinda blimp-like. They're predictable, they have the old-man smell/feeling (Joe Tiller looks like Wilford Brimley), and they're bound to go down in flames at some time during the season.

Quote: "Damn you, laser guy! You had to grab it all with your lowbrow laser shtick! You're just a prop comic! Where's the craft?!"

"Chunnel" - Wisconsin
This is the movie that Elaine, Jerry, and Susan go see together, much to the dismay of "Independent George." The plot is so confusing that Elaine and Jerry end up discussing the plot during the whole movie ("I thought he was with them - isn't he with them?"), thereby pissing off Susan. Every year, Wisconsin seems to have a glaring deficiency, but they somehow end up near the top of the Big Ten standings, mostly by sticking to conservative grind-it-out running and good defense. Their success is as inexplicable as the plot of "Chunnel."

Quote: "You're killing Independent George! You know that, don't you?"

And, of course I always love to pile on the Irish when I can, so here's a team that plays several Big Ten teams every year (OK, so it's an actual movie - so sue me):

"The English Patient" - Notre Dame
Elaine didn't like the movie, but no one could believe that she didn't like it. It was a totally overrated and overhyped movie that was full of itself and boring, even though it won a lot of undeserved awards. You see where I'm going with this. Do I need to say anymore?

Quote: "I can't do this any more. I can't. It's too long. (to the screen) Quit telling your stupid story, about the stupid desert, and just die already! (louder) Die!!"

Leave more ideas in the comments.


Cowbell Commander said...

I love Seinfeld, I love Big Ten football, and this is brilliant work. Your knowledge of the trivial details of the series are inspiring to me.

I'll add your site to my daily bookmarks solely because of this post.

Brakeman said...

That was one funny-assman read on a Friday. Cowbell Commander got it right, that was brilliant. I had never considered how many fictional movies were threaded through the Seinfeld Cronicals but there are a ton. Hard to pick a favorite from your list but the MSU take was perfection. From now on I will only refer to Charlie Weis as Count Laszlo de Almasy.

Assman said...

Cowbell Commander, you are too kind. My knowledge of trivial Seinfeld details is indeed prodigious, but this post was written not from memory, but with the help of Wikipedia and other sites. Thans for the comment.

Jackie Chiles said...

This was the best post I ever read. It was humorous, uproarious, and absolutely hilarious. Somebody give this blogger a pat on the back, tell them Jackie says thanks.

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately, PSU didn't lose it's top receiver...Jordan Norwood, Derrick Willams and Deon Butler are ALL still there. The only receivers that are gone are Chris Bell, (due to the knife-wielding problem and Terrell Golden, because he was a senior). Not sure what receiver you're referring to.

E-N said...

Your knowledge of Seinfeld is impressive...your ability to break down the big ten is horrible. Stick to comedic writing and leave the sports alone.

Assman said...

Sorry Anon, I thought Derrick Williams was gone. My bad.

Ian, thanks for the compliment on my Seinfeld knowledge. I'll try to improve my knowledge of the Big Ten, since this was obviously a pretty serious attempt at breaking down the conference. Any time Rochelle Rochelle is brought up, it's obviously an attempt at serious analysis.

Jackie Chiles said...

Now if Ian continues to give you trouble, you just talk to Jackie, I'll provide all the legal representation to stop his assault. I read his comment, it was slanderous, egregious, and totally malicious.

Brandman said...

Um, last I checked, it didn't take much to break down the Big 10. It goes pretty much like this:

Pre-season reviews and polls always tout one or two teams besides Michigan or Ohio State as having "what it takes" to win the conference. New coaches, recruits and an irrational sense of exuberance all cause ensuing overconfidence from the "little 8" (now 9).

The season comes and goes and Michigan and Ohio State continue to dominate (a bit too much OSU dominance lately).

End of story.

Other than the Ohio State dominance part, that about sums it up for the past century or so, ian.

I'd guess your alma mater sits on the banks of the Red Cedar, but since I didn't find any grammatical errors in your response, I'll wager you're a Nittany Lion. My condolences on your record since joining the Big 10.

Assman said...

Jackie, I humbly accept your offer of representation. Unfortunately, after Ian's burn, the Maestro gave me some chinese balm...

Anonymous said...

Michigan has lost six of the last seven to OSU, not five of the last six.

Jackie Chiles said...

The who? What are you talking about Maestro? You put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I didn't tell you to put the balm on. Why'd you put the balm on? You haven't even been to see the doctor. If your gonna put a balm on, let a doctor put a balm on. Oh oh oh, so a Maestro tells you to put a balm on and you do it?

Assman said...

Jackie, I don't know who you are but that last comment was everything I hoped it would be. In fact - it was real, and it was spectacular.

Jackie Chiles said...

Well that was a complete misappropriation of quotes. You can't steal another man's quotes. That was larceny, fraudulent, and utterly deceptive. Have you ever heard me yell giddyup? 20 years of practicing law and I never had anything like this happen.

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Unknown said...

Quite a wild imagination you have there, and to think you tied that up with football and Seinfeld? Wow, what brought that about, just out of curiosity?!

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Unknown said...

Well, Thanksgiving has come and gone now, and I guess it's time to start thinking about Christmas - your Seinfeld and Big Ten Football joke, if I may call it that, has given me a couple of ideas to throw to the boys this weekend!

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Claire said...

I LOVE "Cry, Cry Again".. my friend pratically forced me to watch it once (much against my will) but I'm so glad that she did! Anyway...I digress, funny post - made me laugh out loud, so thanks! personalized cufflinks

Tulum said...

Even though I am late to the party - still a great post Assman - Happy Belated Holidays

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Flo Flint said...

I love it when there's always a Seinfeld rewind every now and then in my country (Croatia). I regret that these new funny sitcoms are so boring nowadays. I especially like the Seinfeld (or was it only fools and horses) when someone has gotten the pimples in the pubic area. It was hilarious.

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Unknown said...

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