Fun with Names - Super Bowl Edition

Previously I had a good time poking fun at some unusual names in the SEC and the Big Ten, and even the Summer Olympics. It's Super Bowl time, and it's time to make fun of more names. The usual disclaimers apply, and these are meant for entertainment purposes only - even if they are only for my own entertainment...

Arizona Cardinals

- Calais Campbell - "You know what will make us sound sophisticated? Naming our kid after a French town. Paris? Nah, that's overused. How about Calais."
- Karlos Dansby - "Carlos" is just too pedestrian. How about "Karlos?" Ooooh, that's edgy.
- Early Doucet - He has a sister named Timely, and a brother named Tulate.

- Jerheme Urban - Odd spelling for the first name, and he might be the whitest looking man in the NFL.




Pittsburgh Steelers

- Orpheus Roye - Orpheus? Wasn't he in The Matrix. "You are the one, Neo."
- Marvel Smith - Short for Marvelous, I'm sure. And who wouldn't want their kid to be named Marvelous? Oh, you either?
- Limas Sweed - This one looks like an anagram to me. Sawed Limes? Sesame Wild? Sea Mildews? Ass Weed Mil?
- William Gay - You know how I know you're gay? It says "Gay" on your uniform!
- Willie Colon - You combine a Willie and a Colon, and that spells trouble. Hey-O!
- Mewelde Moore - His lesser known brothers are named Uwelde and Hewelde. Dad's name is Iwelde.
- Keyaron Fox - I think she's a sideline reporter on the Versus Network or something.
- Santonio Holmes - "Hey, why don't we name him after where he was conceived - the parking lot of the Alamodome in San Antonio? How about Alamodomelot? Too long? How about Santonio? All right, let's go with it."
- Jared Retkovsky - There's nothing particularly unusual about his name, but it should be noted that he was a furniture mover until he was signed in October to replace injured long snapper Greg Warren. From carrying a piano up to a third floor apartment, to jogging onto the field and throwing a ball between your legs eight times in a game: Upgrade!

Old Guy First Names
- Ralph Brown
- Bertrand Berry
- Clark Haggans
- Victor Hobson
- Lyle Sendlein
- Elliott Vallejo
- Gabe Watson
- Arnold Harrison
- Ike Taylor

Sounds like a fine group of fellows who get together every Tuesday night at the Senior Center for a game of dominoes or canasta: Ralph, Bert, Clark, Victor, Lyle, Elliott, Gabe, Arnie and Ike. Prune juices all around!

I'm sure I missed a few good ones. I am but one man. Leave more ideas in the comments if you'd like.

Big Ten Football and Fictional Seinfeld Movies

Okay, since football season is approaching, I thought I'd post another one of those silly "X compared to Y" things. So, without further ado, I give you: Big Ten Teams as Fictional Seinfeld Movies.

"Death Blow" - Ohio State
Kramer's friend Brody ropes Jerry into bootlegging "Death Blow" during "The Little Kicks" episode. Jerry does such a fantastic job of shooting the bootleg that Brody strongly insists that he also film an arty movie called "Cry, Cry Again." Death Blow is apparently a badass character in the movie. Jim Tressel, and perhaps even Terrelle Pryor, could be OSU's Death Blow. Their recent string of success has Michigan fans in a state of depression and fear. And much like Brody asking Jerry to shoot another bootleg, the BCS keeps asking OSU back to the title game, despite how they keep butchering it.

Tagline: "Death Blow: When someone tries to blow you up, not because of who you are, but for different reasons altogether!"

"Cry, Cry Again" - Michigan
As referenced above, "Cry, Cry Again" is the arty movie that Jerry refused to bootleg for Brody, so Kramer does it himself - poorly, according to Jerry, who now thinks of himself of an expert in bootlegged movies. The end of the movie is taped over by Elaine, who filmed herself dancing to see how bad she really was. Michigan has lost five of the last six games to OSU, and their fans have cried and cried again over this development. The Wolverines are trying to get their mojo back with the hiring of Rich Rodriguez - not unlike the character in "Cry, Cry Again" who buys a loaf of bread.

Quote: "He's trying to buy a loaf of his soul."

Meet Rich Rodriguez - a loaf of soul.

"Sack Lunch" - Michigan State
"Sack Lunch" is the movie that Elaine wanted to see instead of "The English Patient." The implication was that mindless crappy summer comedies are sometimes better than the critically acclaimed dramatic epic blockbusters. MSU would like to win awards and accolades like "The English Patient," but they're most likely going to be relegated to "Sack Lunch" status - sometimes decent, sometimes bad, always hilarious in spots.

Quote: "So d'you think they got shrunk down, or is it just a giant sack?"

"Rochelle Rochelle" - Illinois
During the episode called, appropriately, "The Movie," the gang is supposed to meet up to see "Checkmate" at the Paragon - or is it the Paradise? Things got all wacky and George ended up seeing "Rochelle Rochelle" instead, where he also ran into Jerry and Elaine. I get the feeling that Illinois is going to fall flat this year. Much like "Rochelle Rochelle," I don't think there's much substance there. Both "Rochelle Rochelle" and The Illini have flashy features - nudity, Juice Williams, Arellius Benn, nudity, Ron Zook - but neither is ultimately very satisfying.

Tagline: "A young girl's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk."

"Prognosis Negative" - Iowa
During the episode called "The Dog" (starring the unseen Farfel), Jerry, Elaine and George have to repeatedly scrap plans to see this movie together due to Jerry's unplanned dogsitting duties. Eventually, Jerry and George go see it together while Elaine stays at Jerry's with the dog. Iowa seems to be getting worse every year, and I thank the heavens above that Michigan didn't hire Ferentz this offseason. Their prognosis is indeed negative for the upcoming season.

Quote: "No, it's supposed to be really bad, *really* bad. I mean it's long, there's no story, it's so unbelievably boring."

"Ponce de Leon" - Penn State
While Jerry stayed home with the dog, Elaine and George went to see "Ponce de Leon." George and Elaine had differing opinions on the quality of the movie. Elaine gave it a thumbs down, and George gave it a thumbs up. Penn State is similarly getting mixed reviews for the upcoming season. They don't have an experienced QB, they lost their top running back, their top receiver, and their top CB. I don't see a whole lot there to think they'll be anymore than a middle-of-the-pack team in the Big Ten. In addition, JoePa is like a hundred years old, but continues to coach like he's dipped into Ponce's fountain of youth.

Quote: "When Ponce looked in that mirror and saw that he hadn't changed, and that tear started to roll down his cheek? ... I lost it."

"The Pain and The Yearning" - Minnesota
Elaine decides to see a Gene pick, "Weekend at Bernie's," instead of this 192-minute-long Vincent pick. Minnesota fans, after a dreadful 1-11 season last year, are experiencing much pain and yearning. Unless Tim Brewster shows some sign of progress, Gopher fans are really gonna be yearning for a return to the Glen Mason years.

Tagline: "An old woman experiences pain and yearning."

"Blame It On The Rain" - Indiana
This is the movie that Elaine and Todd Gack go see when Means To An End is sold out. So, basically, it was their fallback or plan B. Indiana is a fallback school for two to three star recruits who don't get offers from ND, Michigan, OSU, Wisconsin, Missouri, Illinois, or Iowa.

Quote: "Come on. Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars. He made a bet he knew he was going to lose just to take you to dinner "

"The Other Side of Darkness" - Northwestern
This movie was a direct-to-video release (Kramer - "that makes me the premier") that Kramer rented and led him to pay a visit to a lawyer to make out his living will. However, he had only watched the first part of the movie, in which a woman went into a coma. After watching the rest of the movie, during which the woman comes out of the coma, Kramer has second thoughts - he had no idea that you could come out of a coma. Northwestern is like the woman in the movie, but we're just not sure which part. Are they going to be comatose this season, or are they going to be refreshed and ready after coming out of their coma?

Quote: "I, Cosmo Kramer, having just seen the movie The Other Side Of Darkness, and not wanting to be in a coma like that lady in the movie, hereby want Jerry Seinfeld to remove my life support, feeding machine, lung-blower, etc, etc, etc."

"Blimp: The Hindenburg Story" - Purdue
This is the movie that was playing in the "The Puerto Rican Day" episode. George wants to shout out a great line ("that's gotta hurt!") during the movie, but a dude with a laser pointer gets more laughs. Purdue is kinda blimp-like. They're predictable, they have the old-man smell/feeling (Joe Tiller looks like Wilford Brimley), and they're bound to go down in flames at some time during the season.

Quote: "Damn you, laser guy! You had to grab it all with your lowbrow laser shtick! You're just a prop comic! Where's the craft?!"

"Chunnel" - Wisconsin
This is the movie that Elaine, Jerry, and Susan go see together, much to the dismay of "Independent George." The plot is so confusing that Elaine and Jerry end up discussing the plot during the whole movie ("I thought he was with them - isn't he with them?"), thereby pissing off Susan. Every year, Wisconsin seems to have a glaring deficiency, but they somehow end up near the top of the Big Ten standings, mostly by sticking to conservative grind-it-out running and good defense. Their success is as inexplicable as the plot of "Chunnel."

Quote: "You're killing Independent George! You know that, don't you?"

And, of course I always love to pile on the Irish when I can, so here's a team that plays several Big Ten teams every year (OK, so it's an actual movie - so sue me):

"The English Patient" - Notre Dame
Elaine didn't like the movie, but no one could believe that she didn't like it. It was a totally overrated and overhyped movie that was full of itself and boring, even though it won a lot of undeserved awards. You see where I'm going with this. Do I need to say anymore?

Quote: "I can't do this any more. I can't. It's too long. (to the screen) Quit telling your stupid story, about the stupid desert, and just die already! (louder) Die!!"

Leave more ideas in the comments.

Politics and Sports

Strange Stuff In The News

John McCain says that the war in Iraq will be over by 2013. Wow, that's a relief. I was worried it might go on a long time. Just five years to go, people. If the war does indeed end in 2013, that will make it a ten year war - longer than the US involvement in WWI and WWII combined. Thanks for the reassurance, Johnny Mac. I'm definitely voting for you now.

Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Spector says he wants a Senate inquiry into the New England Patriots notorious "spygate" controversy, mainly because both NFL teams in his state lost to the Pats during their playoff run on the way to their victory in Super Bowl 39. I think it's a wonderful idea, since there is nothing else worthwhile that our legislators need to spend time on. Other sports-related "controversies" that Spector should insist on investigating:

- The brown smudge on Kenny Rogers' hand during the 2006 playoffs
- Tom Brady's "Tuck Rule" fumble
- Danica Patrick running over a member of a rival's pit crew
- The BCS
- The Colorado vs. Missouri "5th down" game from 1990
- Michael Jordan pushing Bryon Russell out of the way before hitting game winning shot in 1998 NBA finals
- Matt Leinart's hot tub party
- Matt Millen's draft record

I demand hearings! Go get 'em, boy!

Any other shananigans Senator Spector needs to be made aware of?

Athletes as Actors, part 1: NFL Football

Click here for part 2.
Click here for part 3.

For whatever reason, athletes want to be actors, and actors want to be athletes. Normally, actors can't just spontaneously become athletes because they lack the physical attributes to make the switch (most actors are either quite dainty and fragile, or are fat chain-smokers). However, many athletes have been able to parlay their fame into some decent acting gigs. And football players, often because of their freakish size, seem to be well suited for acting. Here are some of the most notable (not necessarily the best) pro football players who tried their hand at acting:

Defensive Line - What is it about defensive linemen that make them turn to acting? There are lots to choose from for this list. Is it their freakish size and strength? Is it the steriods? Is it the slavish adherence to instructions and directions? Why so many defensive linemen, but no offensive linemen? Are offensive linemen too smart? I'm perplexed.

Bubba Smith
The former MSU Spartan All-American defensive tackle (who played professionally for the Raiders, Colts, and Oilers) played Moses Hightower in the Police Academy series of movies. But he also appeared in such 70s and 80s staples as Eight is Enough, Charlie's Angels, Taxi, Vegas, and Wonder Woman. What, no Love Boat? No Fantasy Island?

Typical role: big dopey oaf (or big oafish dope)

Merlin Olson
Former Rams defensive tackle and NFL hall-of-famer was on many episodes of the hit 70s/80s TV series Little House On The Prairie before starring in his own short-lived series, Father Murphy. Also "starred" in a series of ads for FTD, which tried to make it okay for men to like flowers.

Typical role: sensitive bearded man or clergy



Alex Karras
The former Detroit Lions defensive tackle not only starred in his own series (Webster), but he also played one of the most lovable iconic retards in film history - Mongo in Blazing Saddles. He appeared in such 70s series as Love, American Style, The Odd Couple, McMillan & Wife, and M*A*S*H. He even hosted SNL once in 1985. In researching this, I also discovered that Karras finished 2nd in the Heisman Trophy voting in 1957. Was also suspended from the NFL for a year for gambling.

Typical role: meathead

Roosevelt (Rosey) Grier
Another Rams lineman. He had roles in shows as far back as 1965 (Man from UNCLE). His credits include such memorable shows as I Dream Of Jeannie, Daniel Boone, Kojak, CHiPs, Quincy, and Love Boat. Oddly enough, also had a variety show called "The Rosey Grier Show" that lasted exactly one episode. He also appeared on Match Game, and in one episode of The Simpsons (as himself). Also known for espousing the masculine virtues of needlepoint. Rosey served as a bodyguard for Robert Kennedy during his run for president in 1968, but was guarding Ethel Kennedy, the Senator's wife, then expecting a child, the night that Kennedy was assassinated in Los Angeles in 1968. Grier and Olympic gold medalist Rafer Johnson heard shots fired ahead of them. Grier grabbed the gun of the assassin, Sirhan Sirhan, and jammed his finger behind the trigger, breaking Sirhan Sirhan's arm. Wow. Top that, Brian Bosworth.

Typical role: suave sensitive soul brother

Fred Dryer
Former Rams pro bowl defensive end had his own hit series in the 80s - Hunter. He has also reprised the role for a couple TV movies since then. According to IMDB, he was a finalist for the role of Sam Malone on Cheers. He did make several guest appearances on Cheers (as Sam's former Red Sox teammate) thru the years.

Typical role: macho stud (Clint Eastwood-lite)


John Matuszak
A former Raider and Oiler, one of The Tooz's early appearances was one that suited his acting talents well: he played a caveman in "Caveman," which featured Ringo Starr. Perfect casting, since his lines were essentially grunts. He went on to appear in lots of TV shows, as well as "One Crazy Summer." Appeared on one episode of "Hunter."

Typical role: caveman, or intellectual equivalent

Lyle Alzado
The former Broncos/Raiders/Browns defensive end was most well-known for his admission of steroid use during his career. Ironically, he appeared in an anti-drug music video sponsored by the Reagan administration called Stop the Madness. Just say no, Lyle. I had a loser classmate in junior high who insisted that he knew Alzado personally, and that this fact might impress people. This only made me dislike Lyle Alzado.

Typical role: Reagan administration shill

Running Back - Two of the all-time greats, and that's about it

OJ Simpson
This former Heisman Trophy winner went on to play for the Buffall Bills and break the single season rushing record with 2003 yards in 1973. He was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1985, his first year of eligibility. He also appeared in some sweet flicks: Roots, Capricorn One, Towering Inferno, the Naked Gun movies. He even hosted Saturday Night Live in 1978. Oh, and he slashed the throats of his ex-wife and an innocent bystander in 1994, instantly killing them both. Actually, I'm only kidding. He was never convicted of this crime. He has spent the last twelve plus years of his life tirelessly searching for the perpetrator(s) of this crime. It is rumored that he has spent over three million dollars in greens fees and charter fishing boat fees in the pursuit of the killers.

Typical role: murderer

Jim Brown
Widely considered the best football player to ever lace up the cleats, he retired at the age of 29 after a brief but spectacular 9-year career. He's got some great films on his list of credits: The Dirty Dozen, Ice Station Zebra, Three The Hard Way, I'm Gonna Git You Sucka. He earned all-american honors in both lacrosse and football at Syracuse. He's well known for speaking out for, and supporting, causes he believes in. He is a bad mutha, and at the age of 72 could probably kick the ass of many current NFL players.

Typical role: badass hero

Defensive Back - Only one DB? Deion, are you ready for your close-up?

Fred Williamson
Former Raiders/Chiefs/Steelers defensive back, "The Hammer" played a badass in just about every one of his films. Of all these guys, he has had the longest, most successful acting career. In fact, he's still at it today. I have no idea what it's about, but he appears in the upcoming movie "Black Kissinger" as Henry Kissinger. Sounds like a straight-to-video release. Some other tidbits: like Alex Karras, is from Gary, IN; he appeared in Playgirl in 1973; he was Spearchucker Jones in the movie M*A*S*H.

Typical role: badass hero - lower budget

Quarterback - I would have thought there were more QBs that went into acting. After all, they are the glamour boys of the NFL.

Terry Bradshaw
Hall-of-Fame Steelers QB Terry Bradshaw recently appeared in the film "Failure to Launch" and showed his bare ass. Dozens of people from across the country are rumored to have been admitted to psychiatric hospitals in an effort to erase the image from their brains. Also appeared in Cannonball Run and Hooper, two Burt Reynolds films. Mostly plays a version of himself.

Typical role: affable southern country bumpkin


Joe Namath
Broadway Joe, along with respected journalist Dick Schapp, co-hosted The Joe Namath Show. He also guest-hosted The Tonight Show several times. He appeared on both The Love Boat and Fantasy Island, as well as The Brady Bunch. Namath was offered the job to host "Family Feud" when the show was revived in 1988, but the producers had second thoughts, and ultimately hired Ray Combs instead. He is most well known by the youngins for his Monday Night Football interview with ABC sideline reporter Suzy Kolber, in which he appeared drunk and asked Kolber for a kiss.

Typical role: drunk

It's strange that all of these are older guys. I have a theory. I think it is can be attributed to two factors:

1. Current players make so much money when they are playing that they are less likely to need to have a post-NFL career that requires actual work (as opposed to "endorsing" or being a "spokesman" for someone).
   
2. There are so many more NFL broadcasting jobs now. ESPN alone probably employs a dozen former players. Same goes for Fox, CBS, NBC, and the NFL network. Not to mention all the on-line stuff.
   

I must have missed some. Send me your suggestions in the comments and I'll add more if I have time. We were going to do all sports at once, but there were too many football players. We'll get to the others soon enough.

Big Ten Football Teams As Grateful Dead Songs

Okay, it's time for another goofy gimmick. I previously had compared Big Ten football teams to characters from "The Office." This time, it's Big Ten football teams and Grateful Dead songs. The pertinent lyrics from each song are quoted in italics.

Illinois - It Must Have Been The Roses
"I don't know, it must have been the roses"

The Illini made it to the Rose Bowl for the first time in a while, but performed poorly. Maybe it was the roses.

Indiana - He's Gone
"He's gone and nothing's gonna bring him back"

Coach Hoeppner died before the season, but the players rallied around the new coach and made their first bowl game in a long time.

Iowa - Shakedown Street
"Nothin shakin on Shakedown street
used to be the heart of town"

Didn't the Hawkeyes used to be consistently good? I mean, like recently? What happened?

Michigan - Help On The Way
"Tell me the cost
I can pay
Let me go
Tell me love is not lost"

The Wolverines signed RichRod to a big time contract, and the new era begins. Help is indeed on the way. A very good recruiting class can be made even better if Pryor signs on to lead the offense.

Michigan State - Ship of Fools
"The bottles stand as empty
as they were filled before
Time there was and plenty
but from that cup no more"

Ah, the "golden days" of Spartan football. Duffy Daugherty, where have you gone? The bottles are indeed empty, as Sparty fans drank everything that wasn't nailed down. Depression will do that to you.

Minnesota - Brokedown Palace
"All the birds that were singing
Have flown except you alone"

The Gophers were the only team in the entire conference that was not bowl eligible at the end of the season. Maybe Glen Mason wasn't so bad afterall...

Northwestern - Victim or The Crime
"Am I the driver or the driven"

This line perfectly illustrates the Wildcats team the last 8-10 years. Are they a contender, or are they going to win two games?

Ohio State - Hell In A Bucket
"There may come a day I will dance on your grave
If unable to dance, I will crawl across it"

When The Vest finally gets caught with his hand in the proverbial cookie jar, I'll be happy to dance on his grave.

Penn State - Touch of Grey
"Oh well a Touch Of Grey
Kind of suits you anyway.
That was all I had to say
It's all right."

Come on Joe, quit dying your hair. We all know it has more than a touch of grey. And it's all right.

Purdue - Row Jimmy
"And I say row, Jimmy, row
Gonna get there?
I don't know"

Purdue, despite rowing like crazy, can't seem to rise above the middle of the pack in the Big Ten.

Wisconsin - The Wheel
"The wheel is turning and you can't slow down
You can't let go and you can't hold on"

Every year the Badgers come up with another good running back. The current starter, PJ Hill, is a load who is hard to slow down.

For each of these, I could have gone with any number of songs for each team, but I decided to go with my first instinct. Leave your suggestions in the comments.

The Day The Grey Lot Died

A long, long time ago...

I can still remember

How that Grey Lot used to make me smile

For the past 26 straight years, I have been a proud Michigan Football season ticket holder. The first four years I was an undergrad and was allowed a single student section ticket. Every "Football Saturday" in Ann Arbor was a chance to be part of the wonderful tradition that for me included a chance to bring a few of my new found college friends down to the "Grey Lot" and tailgate with my parents (both alums of UofM) and a group of my parent's friends from college who still gathered religiously to support the Maize & Blue. As an undergrad the tailgate spread of nearly unlimited food, beer, and bloody mary's all proudly laid out for us to share was a dream come true on those sleepy, slightly hung over Saturdays in the fall. I marveled at the fact that my parents and their friends from college had stayed so close for all these years. The consistency and dependability of their tailgate party was comforting and everyone looked forward to seeing each other at the next game. The "Grey Lot" was their pre-determined meeting point every football Saturday and it was an ingrained part of their Michigan Football tradition and experience.

And I knew if I had the chance

That I would see those people dance

And, maybe, they'd be happy for a while

When I graduated I applied for and happily received (2) season tickets in the end zone and (1) Grey Lot parking pass. Two other fraternity brothers of mine who graduated with me and had tailgated with my Mom & Dad also were granted Grey Lot passes for the 1986 season and the tradition was officially passed on. The Grey Lot became the designated tailgate spot where Delt alumni and current undergrad brothers would gather. Soon our group had grown to include more graduated fraternity brothers, ten Grey Lot parking passes, and the official Delt Party Hut to mark the spot where we would raise the flag every football Saturday for the past two decades. Delt brothers coming in for a game at The Big House knew the Grey Lot would be the place to go to find everyone before or after the game. It has been common to see 30 to 50 people turn up for our Grey Lot tailgates, all connected through Delta Tau Delta Fraternaty, the Grey Lot, and the University of Michigan.

But December made me shiver

With the news U of M would deliver

Bad news on the doorstep

I couldn't take one more step

My "Preferred Seating Location" invoice came in the mail yesterday along with my Victors Club packet, all glossy and glowing with details of the "Michigan Stadium Expansion Project", the "Preferred Seating Donation Program", and the dreaded "Priority Point Rankings." Bill Martin, the Director of Athletics at U of M, penned some wonderfully sugar coated phases meant to make me feel warm and fuzzy about everything that was about to be explained in this packet. Here are some of my favorites:

• "Because of donors, alumni, and fans like you, our self-supporting department has the resources to field 25 varsity sport teams with more than 750 student-athelites."


• "Your contributions help secure this Michigan tradition.."


• "The Priority Point Program is a comprehensive measure of your support & association with the University Athletic Department. Further, (oh no, here it comes) it is a means of allocating (that's never a good word) tickets, parking, and other benefits in an equitable way. (No! No! Noooooooooooooooooo!)


• "To qualify to purchase a football season parking pass, a Victors Club member must hold football season tickets (check) and have contributed an annual gift of at least $1,500." (check)


• "Beginning with the 2008 season, parking permits will be assigned based upon the priority point program and populated in descending order starting with Blue, Green, Grey, Purple, Red and Brown." (Huh? This doesn't sound good)


• "We regret to inform you that your priority points no longer qualify you for a Grey Lot pass. " Thanks for playing. See Marty Bodnar on your way out for some nice parting gifts. Enjoy the Brown lot. Have a nice life.

I can't remember if I cried

When I read about my wounded pride

But something touched me deep inside

The day the Grey Lot died

So just like that after 26 years of building a tradition around Michigan football Saturdays my friends and I have been "prioritized" out of the Grey Lot. Our gathering spot that we have paid for every year for the past 22 years has been taken away because we no longer "qualify" based on our financial contribution ranking. I hope Bill Martin and company find this post and take a look at the photo of one of our recent "Bring your kids" games. Every one of those kids are potential UofM students who have been raised on fond memories of going to the games with their parents and meeting up with their tailgating friends in the Grey Lot. Just as my parents had passed that tradition on to me, I had hoped to pass it on to my children but instead I have been "measured, allocated, and prioritized." So sorry, no soup for you. Next!

So bye-bye miss american pie

Drove my chevy to the Grey Lot

But the Grey Lot was dry

And them good old boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye

Singin' "This'll be the day that I die."

"This'll be the day that I die."

West Virginia North?

I don't know if it's official yet, but you've all probably heard that Rich Rodriguez is going to be the new head football coach at Michigan. This comes on the heels of hiring John Beilein from WVU to head the basketball program. After much hullabaloo about Michigan having "botched" their coaching search, this is a tremendous hire. He has taken a previously mediocre West Virginia football program and put them back on the map. After his initial season at WVU, he proceeded to take the Mountaineers to six straight bowl games, and never finished lower than second in the Big East. For all of you people that hated Lloyd for his inability to adapt to the spread offenses and football in the 21st century, this should make you very happy. Coach Rod is a proponent of the spread offense, and contrary to what it might seem, Ryan Mallett will be a very good fit for the offense. Although he is quite different from current Mountaineers QB Pat White (6-6, 240 and slow vs. 6-1, 185 and fast), Mallett ran a version of the spread in high school, and we saw first hand this year how much trouble he has lining up under center. Back in the shotgun, he will again be comfortable running an offense he is familiar with. With Mallett at the helm, we will run the "spread" rather than the "spread option" that WVU runs with Pat White. Rodriguez has coached it both ways, so he will adapt to the personnel. However, what this means in the long term is that the era of the gigantic stationary QB at Michigan is probably over. No more Navarre/Henne/Mallett/Collins/Grbac types. Future recruits will have to be mobile. I, for one, welcome this change.

Anyway, I am glad this is over and we can focus on more important things. Like what else can we steal from WVU? Is there anything else worth taking?

Go Blue!

Appalachian State Goes for Title

Okay, I'm sure some people are well aware of the fact that App. State is going to be playing for the national title next weekend. Their QB, Armanti Edwards, ran for over 300 yards in the semifinal game. In fact, he ran for 313 - Michigan fans will remember that is the same total that Tim Biakabatuka ran for against OSU in 1995. They are going up against Delaware. This matchup gives App. State's season a bit of symmetry. You see, here is their first victim of the year:

And here are the Delaware Fightin' Blue Hens, their opponent for next weekend's Div. 1-AA championship game.

Look familiar? The Appalachian State Mountaineers will again be facing the winged helmets. Other than the shade of blue and the font used for the numbers, they look pretty much the same. This bodes well for the Mountaineers.

Back to Armanti Edwards for a minute. In case you haven't heard yet - he had an all-timer of a game on Friday night in App. State's semi-final game against Richmond. Check out this stat line:

Rushing: 31 carries for 313 yards and 4 TDs

Passing: 14-for-16 for 192 yards and 3 TDs.

The dude is a stud. If for no other reason than to have his awesome name on the roster, I hope an NFL team gives him a shot to play somewhere on the field when he graduates. He played WR in HS up until his senior year, so that's probably where he'll end up in the NFL. He 6'-0", 175 lb - probably too small for an NFL QB. And he's only a sophomore. I might have to have weekly Armanti Edwards updates next season if he keeps this up.

Anyway, I'll be rooting for the Mountaineers to pull off the victory and capture the championship next weekend. Go Appalachian State.

Michigan Coaching Search

Mgoblog has a lot of information about the Les Miles in this post. Everyone seems to have "inside info" on what happened.

Maybe I'm in the minority, but until Miles signs a contract with LSU, or Michigan signs someone else up to be the head coach, it ain't over. There are a lot of things in this article that are a little hard to believe:

• That LSU would threaten to fire their head coach before their conference championship game
• That said coach would actually believe these threats and willingly acquiesce, giving up his dream of coaching at his alma mater

I'm just saying that it smells funny. I think there is still a chance that Les Miles is our head coach. Personally, I don't think I have the answer to "who would be the best head coach for Michigan?" Miles would probably be good, but so would a lot of other guys. Who woulda thought that a young assistant from Miami, OH would be the best man for the job when he was hired. I can't say I don't care who is hired, because I do. I just can't pretend to know who the best guy is. And I certainly don't believe all of the stuff that the "insiders" claim that they know.

They could hire any one of these guys and I would not be disappointed: Chris Peterson, Greg Schiano, Jim Grobe, Bob Stoops, Les Miles, Gary Pinkel, Brian Kelly, Jim Leavitt, Mark Mangino. And these are just the guys I can think of off the top of my head.

However, if they hire DeBord, I might have to stop donating money to the University. Oh wait, I already did that.

Until the process plays out, I'm not going to condemn Martin or Lloyd for screwing it up. I'm not going to pre-judge the guys before we know the final outcome. It's good to be a Michigan Wolverine (even if we get smoked by Florida).

You have to admit, it will be fun to root against OSU and for Les Miles in the NC game, even if he's not going to be our coach.

Go Blue!

High Profile Coaching Positions

There are some very interesting open head coaching jobs in NCAA division 1 football already this offseason. And we're not talking about mid-level programs. We're talking some really high profile jobs. In addition, there are a lot that are rumored to be on the verge of opening up. A list? Okay:

Michigan
This is arguably the highest profile of all the open jobs, and inarguably its the one on the minds of the writers of this blog. Many names have been floated out there as possibilities, including Les Miles, Kirk Ferentz, Brian Kelly, Jim Grobe, Chris Peterson, Mike Trgovac, and Wayne Fontes (just checking to see if you're paying attention). It's a good thing Jim Harbaugh took himself out of the running, because I'm sure he was really going to get a chance. I expect the decision to come before the bowl game.

Nebraska
Bill Callahan was rightfully fired after his team gave up an average of 50 points a game in their last four. Bo Pelini is probably considered the frontrunner, since lots of Nebraska fans thought this job should have been his the last time this job was open. Frank Solich isn't looking so bad anymore, is he Husker fans?

Texas A&M
Wow, that was quick. According to this article, Houston Texans assistant coach and former Packer head man Mike Sherman is about to be named head coach at A&M. He used to be an assistant in College Station. The NFL rout doesn't seem to work too often (Callahan), but you never know (Pete Carroll).

Mississippi
The Oregeron didn't work out at Ole Miss, but I'm sure he'll be back on USC's staff before their bowl game. Ole Miss, while not exactly a plum position, is potentially a good job because Orgeron recruited a couple good classes there that his successor could benefit from. I would not be surprised to see a top assistant from another SEC school get this job.

UCLA (rumored)
Karl Dorrell is not a favorite of the fans, and the season ending victory over USC last year may have been his "stay of execution," but a pathetic home loss to Notre Dame earlier this year may have sealed his fate. Rumors here in Texas have UCLA looking at Mike Leach, but they're just rumors.

Syracuse (rumored by me)
Okay, I have no idea if Syracuse is firing their coach, but what the hell happened to Syracuse? They used to be consistently good, and that was recently.

Am I missing any? Of course, more will open up after these big ones get filled, but these are the high-profile jobs that I could think of. And I didn't even include the really old guys who might retire (Paterno and Bowden). The addition of those two jobs to this list would really make this an offseason to remember. Let the games begin...

EDITED TO ADD:

Georgia Tech
Chan Gailey was fired today. See comment about NFL guys not working out.

Duke
Nah, just kidding. There is nothing high-profile about this job. Their coach was 6-45, and that was probably as good as could be expected. The next guy will be worse, or at best marginally better.

Colorado State
Sonny Lubick is negotiating a buyout. Unless you live in Colorado, this is not interesting. In fact, even if you live in Colorado, this is probably not interesting. However, he did lead CSU to some bowl games and had some solid teams (9 bowl games in 15 years at the helm).

Arkansas
Okay, it's now being reported that Houston Nutt is out at Arkansas (and so, presumably would be his brother, an assistant with the Hogs). Pick your headline: Hogs De-Nutted; Hogs Cut Nutts; Hogs To Be Nutt-Less In '08. It's widely reported that Casey Dick is a bit concerned about his status as the Hogs QB, as the Nutts were Dick's biggest supporters.

Southern Mississippi
I have no idea who their coach is, but apparently he was there for a very long time. Your new coach? Offensive coordinator blah-blah or Brett Favre's dad will probably step up, as no one else really cares about Southern Miss.

Big Ten Football and The Office

Taking a page from bloggers everwhere, I’m making a list. Hey Jenny Slater did the Simpsons characters as college football teams. Like Doug says in his blog post, "no good idea goes unstolen." I’m tackling characters from The Office as Big Ten football teams. This may be a gimmick whose time has come and gone, but I have not seen this done with The Office yet. Since my favorite conference is the Big Ten, my favorite show is The Office, and I’m new to blogging, here goes.

Big Ten Football and The Office

Ohio State – Michael Scott
Obviously the boss has to be the team at the top. Like Michael Scott, OSU is the boss right now, yet still does not get the respect from the national media. Michael is the head of an underperforming branch of Dunder Mifflin, and OSU is at the top of the underperforming Big Ten. Michael is always sure that he is right. The Buckeyes are always sure that they are better than everyone else. Michael obsession is that everyone likes him. OSU fans’ obsession is that everyone hates Michigan. And Michael is kind of a dick.

Michigan - Jim Halpert
Like Michigan in recent years, Jim is Michael’s “number two.” He’s likable, and he’s eminently more capable than Michael. He even interviewed to be the boss, but thought that selling his soul for “success” was much less important than his ultimate goal (Pam). Like Lloyd Carr, he’s loyal to a fault. Unlike Jim Tressel, he won’t skirt the rules or step on others to get ahead.

Illinois – Andy Bernard
Andy is the up and coming new guy, much like Ron Zook and the Illini. He’s even managed to get some “necking” time in with Angela, the office prude. Like Ron Zook, Andy would be a great recruiter because of his self-proclaimed skill for personality mirroring.

Penn State – Creed
He’s the elder statesman of the office. Like JoePa, no one’s really sure how old he is (“when I was a kid, I was in an iron lung.”). Creed has some of the best lines on the show, but he is utilized sporadically. Similarly, Penn State has appeared sporadically at the top of the Big Ten rankings. It’s hard to dislike PSU or Creed.

Wisconsin – Dwight Schrute
Like Wisconsin, Dwight is forever mired in the second tier. Dwight will always be the “assistant to the regional manager.” Wisco will always finish between second and fifth in the Big Ten. And Dwight lives on a farm. And I suspect he (and his weird cousin Mose) has had intimate relations with some of the farm animals. Wisconsin is an assembly line for good college running backs (Dayne, Calhoun, Davis, Hill), and Dwight is an assembly line of great quotes (“Always go for the eyes. The eyes are the groin of the head.” Or “This was my grandfather’s tuxedo. He was buried in it.”).

Michigan State – Kelly Kapoor
Like Spartan coach Dantonio, Kelly is always running her mouth about something. She reeeally wants to marry Ryan, and even briefly pretended to be pregnant. Spartan players reeeally wanted to be Wolverines, but most were not recruited by them. Like Kelly, they feel spurned and bitter. Very immature and petty.

Purdue – Pam Beesly
Both are kind of meek, but essential to the success of the show/conference. Like Purdue, Pam can’t seem to “finish” – she broke off her 5-year engagement. She is as decisive as Joe Tiller is competent.

Northwestern – Oscar Martinez
Oscar’s gay. So are Northwestern’s purple uniforms. He occasionally has some good lines, and NU occasionally has some good years.

Indiana – Jan Levinson
Jan has self-esteem issues, since she was fired from the corporate offices of Dunder Mifflin. Indiana has a self esteem problem as it relates to football. They are a basketball school that plays football. And Jan is a middle-manager with no one to middle-manage. But she did manage to buy herself a nice new set of cans, and Indiana did manage to get itself a pretty good coach (before he died).

Iowa – Ryan Howard
Before Ferentz got there, Iowa was mired in suckitude for the last years of the Hayden Fry regime. Ferentz took charge and quickly had the Hawkeyes back on top. Now they’re back on the downslide to the previous level of mediocrity. Before Ryan took over, Dunder Mifflin was also sucking wind, but his new ideas were a breath of fresh air – how about a website? But after the newness wore off, Dunder Mifflin was back to being a crappy paper company.

Minnesota – Toby Flenderson
Like Minnesota, Toby is just there most of the time. He’s never the center of any storyline, but is occasionally the voice of reason, as the HR guy is supposed to be. Minnesota in recent years has been pretty solid, if predictable.

And just for the hell of it, possible future member of the Big Ten:

Notre Dame – Angela Martin

Angela is the office prude. She’s unapologetically a self-righteous Christian and does her best to make sure that if anyone has fun, it’s on her terms. She’s the head of the party committee, and all party decisions go thru her (“I don’t like green. It’s whorish.”). Like most Domers, she is a total buzzkill.

So, there you have it. If you have any suggestions or additions, feel free to leave them in the comments.

It's Ohio State Week

How anti-climactic. Both osu and Michigan come into their game off a loss. The last time that's happened? Anyone? I can't find it, but I would wager that it's been a long time. Anyway, the M defense was swiss cheese against the Badgers on Saturday. While it would be great if Henne and Hart can play against the buckeyes, they can't play defense. Let's reflect on the Wisco game before we get too far into osu talk:

• Mario Manningham is a great wide receiver. However, he also seems to have become afflicted with a common ailment among talented players at his position. It's called I'm-Always-Open syndrome. He was acting like a whiny little bitch whenever Mallett would not get him the ball. Get over yourself Mario. It's a team game, and you're trying to intimidate a freshman QB? Enjoy being the next non-Braylon Michigan WR to flop in the NFL.


• If Wisco's mediocre running attack can gash the Blue D for 232 yards rushing, I shudder to think what osu and Wells might do to us.


• I did not agree with the second Crable personal foul call. The QB was leaning back when he pitched the ball, and he head level dropped right before the hit. I get the feeling that the referees were on the lookout for Crable from the start. Anyway, the penalties on that drive were a killer.


• Mallett made some nice throws, but he definitely looks like a freshman out there. It really makes me appreciate what Henne did as a freshman. I don't recall him ever being that flustered as a frosh.

That's all I can muster for now. It's early in the week, but my confidence level is not high for the osu game. However, that could change if we hear that Henne and Hart are playing. Let's get Zieg in here this week.

Photo courtesy of BrakeMan.

Hail.