Fun with Names - Super Bowl Edition

Previously I had a good time poking fun at some unusual names in the SEC and the Big Ten, and even the Summer Olympics. It's Super Bowl time, and it's time to make fun of more names. The usual disclaimers apply, and these are meant for entertainment purposes only - even if they are only for my own entertainment...

Arizona Cardinals

- Calais Campbell - "You know what will make us sound sophisticated? Naming our kid after a French town. Paris? Nah, that's overused. How about Calais."
- Karlos Dansby - "Carlos" is just too pedestrian. How about "Karlos?" Ooooh, that's edgy.
- Early Doucet - He has a sister named Timely, and a brother named Tulate.

- Jerheme Urban - Odd spelling for the first name, and he might be the whitest looking man in the NFL.




Pittsburgh Steelers

- Orpheus Roye - Orpheus? Wasn't he in The Matrix. "You are the one, Neo."
- Marvel Smith - Short for Marvelous, I'm sure. And who wouldn't want their kid to be named Marvelous? Oh, you either?
- Limas Sweed - This one looks like an anagram to me. Sawed Limes? Sesame Wild? Sea Mildews? Ass Weed Mil?
- William Gay - You know how I know you're gay? It says "Gay" on your uniform!
- Willie Colon - You combine a Willie and a Colon, and that spells trouble. Hey-O!
- Mewelde Moore - His lesser known brothers are named Uwelde and Hewelde. Dad's name is Iwelde.
- Keyaron Fox - I think she's a sideline reporter on the Versus Network or something.
- Santonio Holmes - "Hey, why don't we name him after where he was conceived - the parking lot of the Alamodome in San Antonio? How about Alamodomelot? Too long? How about Santonio? All right, let's go with it."
- Jared Retkovsky - There's nothing particularly unusual about his name, but it should be noted that he was a furniture mover until he was signed in October to replace injured long snapper Greg Warren. From carrying a piano up to a third floor apartment, to jogging onto the field and throwing a ball between your legs eight times in a game: Upgrade!

Old Guy First Names
- Ralph Brown
- Bertrand Berry
- Clark Haggans
- Victor Hobson
- Lyle Sendlein
- Elliott Vallejo
- Gabe Watson
- Arnold Harrison
- Ike Taylor

Sounds like a fine group of fellows who get together every Tuesday night at the Senior Center for a game of dominoes or canasta: Ralph, Bert, Clark, Victor, Lyle, Elliott, Gabe, Arnie and Ike. Prune juices all around!

I'm sure I missed a few good ones. I am but one man. Leave more ideas in the comments if you'd like.

SEC Preview - Fun with Names

I thought there were some unusual names in the Big Ten, but those are nothing compared to what I found when I was scouting the Southeastern Conference. Just as the Big Ten representative has been thoroughly trounced by the SEC in the last two BCS title games, the SEC again scoffs at the Big Ten's strange names. Last year, we all had fun with the Arkansas Razorbacks team with Dick throwing to his favorite Johnson, and coached by Nutt. I suppose that's where my interest in mocking people's names came from. Again, I did not verify if any of the players listed below has exhausted their eligibility. Many of them might be gone, but I used the ESPN roster listing for each team. So sue me. Anyway, here's the SEC.

M'ore' Un'necesary A'postrophes
- Don'ta Hightower, Alabama LB
- De'Anthony Curtis, Arkansas RB
- D'Antoine Hood, Auburn DB
- Da'Shaun Barnes, Auburn LB
- Sen'Derrick Marks, Auburn DE
- T'Sharvan Bell, Auburn DB
- De'Mon Glanton, Mississippi State DB
- Donte'e Nicholls, South Carolina DT
- Ja'Kouri Williams, Tennessee RB
- Demonte' Bolden, Tennessee DT

Team with the Most Opportunities for Snickering at Their Roster
Arkansas
The Hogs not only have two Dicks (QBs Casey and his little bro Nathan), but they also have a Penix, and lots of Love (see below). Also, this photo always cracks me up. This year, even the Hogs are Nutt-less, they still have a pair of Dicks (if the first one is injured, the other one can just step in and take over). In fact, there are times when they could use both Dicks on the field at once. In addition, their new head coach is kind of a dick too. (Yes, I have the sense of humor of a 12-year-old)

Most Obvious Birth Certificate Spelling Error
Weslye Saunders, South Carolina TE
Don't hospitals have proofreaders?

Best Porn Name - For a Woman
Foxy Foxworth, South Carolina TE
This is strictly a soft-core porn name, since hardcore would be something like "Honey Titsworth."

Sometimes "Y"
Jhyryn Taylor, LSU WR
Are those considered vowels in this circumstance? If not, a vowel intervention is required.

Most Appropriate Name
Mississippi State has a linebacker named Nick Pounder, which is exactly what you want a linebacker to be - a pounder.

Military Names
Major Sosebee, Mississippi State WR
Captain Munnerlyn, South Carolina CB

Destiny's Children
Okay, if it's true that you grow into your name, then the ladies with marriage on their minds should start lining up for Mississippi State TE Jason Husband, but should stay away from South Carolina G Heath Batchelor. What woman in their right mind would want to put up with being called Mrs. Batchelor anyway? That would get old really fast.

Other Cool Names
- Rowdy Francis, Georgia S - I hope he lives up to his name.
- B.J. Wiedemann, Kentucky DE - Heh heh, his last name is a crappy G. Heileman beer - of which we drank copious amounts in college.
- Vanderal Shackleford, South Carolina LB - This sounds like a made-up name from "Fletch."
- Montario Hardesty, Tennessee RB - Another one that's got a rhythmic quality.
- T-Bob Hebert, LSU C - He is the son of former Michigan Panther and USFL Championship QB Bobby Hebert. This has dual Sienfeld significance. First, George claimed to be fascinated with the name "Hebert":

You know what's interesting. The quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons is Bobby Hebert. No "r" - which I find fascinating. You know it's Herbert h-e-r-b-e-r-t, Hebert h-e-b-e-r-t. "Hebert" it's a fun name to pronounce. Try and say it - Hebert.

Also, the name T-Bob reminds me of the episode where George wants to give himself a nickname and decides that T-Bone would be a good one. "But there's no 'T' in your name. What about G-Bone?" "There's no G-Bone."

Other Cool Names - Roman Division
-Quindarius Carr, Auburn WR
-Rodgerigus Smith, Auburn WR
-Octavius Balkcom, Auburn DE
-Omarius Hines, Florida WR
-Dontavius Jackson, Georgia RB
This sounds like a role call from a Roman Empire regiment. "Octavius, Quindarius, and Omarius - you go with Dontavius. The others will run with Mucus."

Mississippi State
This is a special commendation for the Mississippi State Bulldogs. In addition to the names already mentioned above, they have a great looking roster. Sylvester Croom has been very selective in the kinds of names he recruits. Have a look:
- Demario Bobo, DB - Great rhythmic sound for announcers. Go ahead - imagine how the stadium announcer would say it.
- De'Mon Glanton, DB - Is that pronounced like "demon" or is it more like "de-moan" or "de-mahn?" I need to know.
- Co-Eric Riley, WR - He's not the main Eric on the team. He's just a Co-Eric.
- Jasper O'Quinn, DB - Is he a leprechaun?
- Mike Hunt, DB - "Great coverage my Mike Hunt on that play. Mike Hunt was all over him. Mike Hunt is really looking good today. Uh-oh - it looks like Mike Hunt is hurt."
- Trevor Stigers, DL - There must be some mistake. Obviously, this guy is a striker on an EPL soccer team.
- Quinton Saulsberry, OL - I love his steaks.
- D.J. Looney, OL - I think I saw this guy DJ-ing in a club recently. "DJ Looney is in da house!"
- O'Neal Wilder, WR - His parents were fans of American playwrights.
- Cortez McCraney, DL - A clash of cultures - it's Spanish and Irish all in one!
- Dontavious Morrisette, RB - I just like the way this one rolls off the tongue. Another one that's just fun to say.
- Cleveland Tubbs, FB - Wasn't this guy Sonny Crockett's partner on Miami Vice?

"All You Need Is Love"
- Tyler Love, Alabama OL
- Jamar Love, Arkansas CB
- Jermaine Love, Arkansas LB
- DeMarcus Love, Arkansas G
- Omar Love, Ole Miss QB
- Logan Love, Tennessee DB

Mississippi State wins this one hands down, but Auburn also had a strong showing. Kudos to the Bulldogs. It will be the only SEC title they win this year: The First Annual Grateful Blue SEC "Best Names" Competition.

Big Ten Preview - Fun with Names

I wanted to do a Big Ten Preview before the season gets started, but that would require actual work: you know - research, knowledge, etc. So, being a lazy-ass semi-blogger, I thought I would instead try the next best thing. Look at the rosters and pick out funny names. I guess that's "research" in a manner of speaking, since I had to read thru eleven lists of names and try to tenuously connect them. If anyone actually reads this, he or she might discover some of the names referenced herein are no longer on the these teams anymore. Let me preempt that by saying that I really don't care. I got the names from the rosters listed on ESPN.com and I don't intend to do any further research to validate the current enrollment status of any individuals listed. Anyway, here it is - The Big Ten Preview of Strange Names:

Girlie First Name, Badass Last Name
Whitney Mercilus, Illinois DL
If his parents had any sense, Whitney would not have even been a consideration with the last name "Mercilus." First choice should have been Ming D. Of course, the wife may not have liked that one, so at least something like Colossus, or Zeus, or Dontarrius, or Demetrius.

You May Have Knowledge, But We Have Wisdom
Wisdom Onyegbule, Illinois DL
Knowledge Timmons, PSU CB
Judging by their positions, I would say that Wisdom is much stronger than Knowledge, but Knowledge is a lot faster than Wisdom.

M'ost Unnecessary Use of an Apostro'phe
Brand'on Riggins, Purdue LB
J'Michael Deane, MSU OL
Da'Jon McKnight, Minnesota WR

Worst Case of Indecision by Parents
Stephfon Green, PSU RB
"I like the name Ste-fon. How do you think we should spell it? With a 'ph' or an 'f'?"
"I don't know. Fuck it. Let's do both. S-T-E-P-H-F-O-N."

Scrabble
Xzavian Brandon, Minnesota WR
"Wouldn't it be cool to have our baby's name be the highest possible scrabble score? We should put an X and a Z in the name. That's 20 points right there. Oh yeah, V's are worth four points too. Let's add one of those. Can I have another hit?"

Most Cartoonish Name
Will Suess, Indiana QB
"I will not throw up INTs
I will not flinch when they dive into my knees
I will not wait for Lewis to leave
I want to start now, if you please
I'd like to throw to Andrew Means
To either sideline or in between
I wish I wasn't such a loser
But I'm the one who chose the Hoosiers"

New Members of The Reggie Cleveland All-Stars
Wisconsin DL O'Brien Schofield
This dude sounds like a white lacrosse player from a prep school somewhere in New England. Apparently, he's a black guy from Chicago.

Purdue WR Joe Whitest
Indiana has a guy named Larry Black. Minnesota has a guy named Damien White. But only Purdue has the Whitest. Wide Receiver Joe Whitest, that is. Oddly enough, Joe Whitest is a black man, as pictured at right.

Buy a Vowel? Donate a Consonant?
Wisconsin offensive lineman Jake Bscherer's name seems to either be missing at least one vowel, or has too many consonants. Perhaps you could donate one of your consonants to Minnesota LB Logan U'u (I'm not even sure how you pronounce that one). Jake, if you donate your B, the two of you would be "Scherer" and "Ubu."

Most Appropriate Name
The Illini have an offensive lineman named Eric Block. It seems quite appropriate - like a library cop named Bookman, or an ice cream man named Cone.

Other Cool Names
-Michigan WR Martavious Odoms - It just flows off the tongue. "Back to receive the punt - Martavious Odoms. Punt fumbled by Martavious Odoms."
-Minnesota RB Shady Salamon - If his nickname is not "Slim," someone is not doing their job.
-Purdue WR Desmond Tardy - He's always late for practice.
-Illinois DL Clay Nurse - Is that a nurse that is made out of clay, or a nurse who helps treat clay objects?
-Wisconsin WR Nick Toon - Isn't that a show on Nickelodeon late at nite? Nicktoons?
-Minnesota DT Jewhan Edwards - I'm not sure how to make a joke out of this one, but there is definitely something funny about it.
-Illinois QB Juice Williams - I could not leave this one off the list. Announcers no doubt have fun with using "Juice got squeezed" at every opportunity.
-Indiana has two different guys with the first name "Keegan." There oughta be a one-Keegan-per-team quota. Get to work on this, NCAA.
-There are several instances of the names Deon and Dante being combined to form some strange hybrid name. But none are spelled quite the same: Deante, Diauntae, Dionte, Deon, Deandre, Diondrae, Donsay, and Deonte.

Corporate Sell-Out
Purdue FB Frank Halliburton used to be Frank Enron before Enron went belly up. He got new sponsorship deal and has a job lined up with Halliburton after he graduates. This is all legal under NCAA rules, but Frank cannot accept a free pizza or oilfield services from Halliburton until his eligibility is used up.

A Whole Lotta Love
Indiana has WR Charles Love and OL Kenny Love. Michigan State has WR Terry Love. Minnesota has CB Daron Love.

The Illini have Juice, Wisdom, Mercilus, Block, and Nurse. The Gophers have Xzavian, Jewhan, Shady, U'u, Da'Jon, and one Love. It's too close to call...

Go Blue!