I thought there were some unusual names in the Big Ten, but those are nothing compared to what I found when I was scouting the Southeastern Conference. Just as the Big Ten representative has been thoroughly trounced by the SEC in the last two BCS title games, the SEC again scoffs at the Big Ten's strange names. Last year, we all had fun with the Arkansas Razorbacks team with Dick throwing to his favorite Johnson, and coached by Nutt. I suppose that's where my interest in mocking people's names came from. Again, I did not verify if any of the players listed below has exhausted their eligibility. Many of them might be gone, but I used the ESPN roster listing for each team. So sue me. Anyway, here's the SEC.
M'ore' Un'necesary A'postrophes
- Don'ta Hightower, Alabama LB
- De'Anthony Curtis, Arkansas RB
- D'Antoine Hood, Auburn DB
- Da'Shaun Barnes, Auburn LB
- Sen'Derrick Marks, Auburn DE
- T'Sharvan Bell, Auburn DB
- De'Mon Glanton, Mississippi State DB
- Donte'e Nicholls, South Carolina DT
- Ja'Kouri Williams, Tennessee RB
- Demonte' Bolden, Tennessee DT
Team with the Most Opportunities for Snickering at Their Roster
The Hogs not only have two Dicks (QBs Casey and his little bro Nathan), but they also have a Penix, and lots of Love (see below). Also, this photo always cracks me up. This year, even the Hogs are Nutt-less, they still have a pair of Dicks (if the first one is injured, the other one can just step in and take over). In fact, there are times when they could use both Dicks on the field at once. In addition, their new head coach is kind of a dick too. (Yes, I have the sense of humor of a 12-year-old)
Most Obvious Birth Certificate Spelling Error
Weslye Saunders, South Carolina TE
Don't hospitals have proofreaders?
Best Porn Name - For a Woman
Foxy Foxworth, South Carolina TE
This is strictly a soft-core porn name, since hardcore would be something like "Honey Titsworth."
Jhyryn Taylor, LSU WR
Are those considered vowels in this circumstance? If not, a vowel intervention is required.
Most Appropriate Name
Mississippi State has a linebacker named Nick Pounder, which is exactly what you want a linebacker to be - a pounder.
Major Sosebee, Mississippi State WR
Captain Munnerlyn, South Carolina CB
Okay, if it's true that you grow into your name, then the ladies with marriage on their minds should start lining up for Mississippi State TE Jason Husband, but should stay away from South Carolina G Heath Batchelor. What woman in their right mind would want to put up with being called Mrs. Batchelor anyway? That would get old really fast.
Other Cool Names
- Rowdy Francis, Georgia S - I hope he lives up to his name.
- B.J. Wiedemann, Kentucky DE - Heh heh, his last name is a crappy G. Heileman beer - of which we drank copious amounts in college.
- Vanderal Shackleford, South Carolina LB - This sounds like a made-up name from "Fletch."
- Montario Hardesty, Tennessee RB - Another one that's got a rhythmic quality.
- T-Bob Hebert, LSU C - He is the son of former Michigan Panther and USFL Championship QB Bobby Hebert. This has dual Sienfeld significance. First, George claimed to be fascinated with the name "Hebert":
You know what's interesting. The quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons is Bobby Hebert. No "r" - which I find fascinating. You know it's Herbert h-e-r-b-e-r-t, Hebert h-e-b-e-r-t. "Hebert" it's a fun name to pronounce. Try and say it - Hebert.
Also, the name T-Bob reminds me of the episode where George wants to give himself a nickname and decides that T-Bone would be a good one. "But there's no 'T' in your name. What about G-Bone?" "There's no G-Bone."
Other Cool Names - Roman Division
-Quindarius Carr, Auburn WR
-Rodgerigus Smith, Auburn WR
-Octavius Balkcom, Auburn DE
-Omarius Hines, Florida WR
-Dontavius Jackson, Georgia RB
This sounds like a role call from a Roman Empire regiment. "Octavius, Quindarius, and Omarius - you go with Dontavius. The others will run with Mucus."
This is a special commendation for the Mississippi State Bulldogs. In addition to the names already mentioned above, they have a great looking roster. Sylvester Croom has been very selective in the kinds of names he recruits. Have a look:
- Demario Bobo, DB - Great rhythmic sound for announcers. Go ahead - imagine how the stadium announcer would say it.
- De'Mon Glanton, DB - Is that pronounced like "demon" or is it more like "de-moan" or "de-mahn?" I need to know.
- Co-Eric Riley, WR - He's not the main Eric on the team. He's just a Co-Eric.
- Jasper O'Quinn, DB - Is he a leprechaun?
- Mike Hunt, DB - "Great coverage my Mike Hunt on that play. Mike Hunt was all over him. Mike Hunt is really looking good today. Uh-oh - it looks like Mike Hunt is hurt."
- Trevor Stigers, DL - There must be some mistake. Obviously, this guy is a striker on an EPL soccer team.
- Quinton Saulsberry, OL - I love his steaks.
- D.J. Looney, OL - I think I saw this guy DJ-ing in a club recently. "DJ Looney is in da house!"
- O'Neal Wilder, WR - His parents were fans of American playwrights.
- Cortez McCraney, DL - A clash of cultures - it's Spanish and Irish all in one!
- Dontavious Morrisette, RB - I just like the way this one rolls off the tongue. Another one that's just fun to say.
- Cleveland Tubbs, FB - Wasn't this guy Sonny Crockett's partner on Miami Vice?
"All You Need Is Love"
- Tyler Love, Alabama OL
- Jamar Love, Arkansas CB
- Jermaine Love, Arkansas LB
- DeMarcus Love, Arkansas G
- Omar Love, Ole Miss QB
- Logan Love, Tennessee DB
Mississippi State wins this one hands down, but Auburn also had a strong showing. Kudos to the Bulldogs. It will be the only SEC title they win this year: The First Annual Grateful Blue SEC "Best Names" Competition.