Monday, August 18, 2008

SEC Preview - Fun with Names

I thought there were some unusual names in the Big Ten, but those are nothing compared to what I found when I was scouting the Southeastern Conference. Just as the Big Ten representative has been thoroughly trounced by the SEC in the last two BCS title games, the SEC again scoffs at the Big Ten's strange names. Last year, we all had fun with the Arkansas Razorbacks team with Dick throwing to his favorite Johnson, and coached by Nutt. I suppose that's where my interest in mocking people's names came from. Again, I did not verify if any of the players listed below has exhausted their eligibility. Many of them might be gone, but I used the ESPN roster listing for each team. So sue me. Anyway, here's the SEC.

M'ore' Un'necesary A'postrophes
- Don'ta Hightower, Alabama LB
- De'Anthony Curtis, Arkansas RB
- D'Antoine Hood, Auburn DB
- Da'Shaun Barnes, Auburn LB
- Sen'Derrick Marks, Auburn DE
- T'Sharvan Bell, Auburn DB
- De'Mon Glanton, Mississippi State DB
- Donte'e Nicholls, South Carolina DT
- Ja'Kouri Williams, Tennessee RB
- Demonte' Bolden, Tennessee DT

Team with the Most Opportunities for Snickering at Their Roster
The Hogs not only have two Dicks (QBs Casey and his little bro Nathan), but they also have a Penix, and lots of Love (see below). Also, this photo always cracks me up. This year, even the Hogs are Nutt-less, they still have a pair of Dicks (if the first one is injured, the other one can just step in and take over). In fact, there are times when they could use both Dicks on the field at once. In addition, their new head coach is kind of a dick too. (Yes, I have the sense of humor of a 12-year-old)

Most Obvious Birth Certificate Spelling Error
Weslye Saunders, South Carolina TE
Don't hospitals have proofreaders?

Best Porn Name - For a Woman
Foxy Foxworth, South Carolina TE
This is strictly a soft-core porn name, since hardcore would be something like "Honey Titsworth."

Sometimes "Y"
Jhyryn Taylor, LSU WR
Are those considered vowels in this circumstance? If not, a vowel intervention is required.

Most Appropriate Name
Mississippi State has a linebacker named Nick Pounder, which is exactly what you want a linebacker to be - a pounder.

Military Names
Major Sosebee, Mississippi State WR
Captain Munnerlyn, South Carolina CB

Destiny's Children
Okay, if it's true that you grow into your name, then the ladies with marriage on their minds should start lining up for Mississippi State TE Jason Husband, but should stay away from South Carolina G Heath Batchelor. What woman in their right mind would want to put up with being called Mrs. Batchelor anyway? That would get old really fast.

Other Cool Names
- Rowdy Francis, Georgia S - I hope he lives up to his name.
- B.J. Wiedemann, Kentucky DE - Heh heh, his last name is a crappy G. Heileman beer - of which we drank copious amounts in college.
- Vanderal Shackleford, South Carolina LB - This sounds like a made-up name from "Fletch."
- Montario Hardesty, Tennessee RB - Another one that's got a rhythmic quality.
- T-Bob Hebert, LSU C - He is the son of former Michigan Panther and USFL Championship QB Bobby Hebert. This has dual Sienfeld significance. First, George claimed to be fascinated with the name "Hebert":

You know what's interesting. The quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons is Bobby Hebert. No "r" - which I find fascinating. You know it's Herbert h-e-r-b-e-r-t, Hebert h-e-b-e-r-t. "Hebert" it's a fun name to pronounce. Try and say it - Hebert.

Also, the name T-Bob reminds me of the episode where George wants to give himself a nickname and decides that T-Bone would be a good one. "But there's no 'T' in your name. What about G-Bone?" "There's no G-Bone."

Other Cool Names - Roman Division
-Quindarius Carr, Auburn WR
-Rodgerigus Smith, Auburn WR
-Octavius Balkcom, Auburn DE
-Omarius Hines, Florida WR
-Dontavius Jackson, Georgia RB
This sounds like a role call from a Roman Empire regiment. "Octavius, Quindarius, and Omarius - you go with Dontavius. The others will run with Mucus."

Mississippi State
This is a special commendation for the Mississippi State Bulldogs. In addition to the names already mentioned above, they have a great looking roster. Sylvester Croom has been very selective in the kinds of names he recruits. Have a look:
- Demario Bobo, DB - Great rhythmic sound for announcers. Go ahead - imagine how the stadium announcer would say it.
- De'Mon Glanton, DB - Is that pronounced like "demon" or is it more like "de-moan" or "de-mahn?" I need to know.
- Co-Eric Riley, WR - He's not the main Eric on the team. He's just a Co-Eric.
- Jasper O'Quinn, DB - Is he a leprechaun?
- Mike Hunt, DB - "Great coverage my Mike Hunt on that play. Mike Hunt was all over him. Mike Hunt is really looking good today. Uh-oh - it looks like Mike Hunt is hurt."
- Trevor Stigers, DL - There must be some mistake. Obviously, this guy is a striker on an EPL soccer team.
- Quinton Saulsberry, OL - I love his steaks.
- D.J. Looney, OL - I think I saw this guy DJ-ing in a club recently. "DJ Looney is in da house!"
- O'Neal Wilder, WR - His parents were fans of American playwrights.
- Cortez McCraney, DL - A clash of cultures - it's Spanish and Irish all in one!
- Dontavious Morrisette, RB - I just like the way this one rolls off the tongue. Another one that's just fun to say.
- Cleveland Tubbs, FB - Wasn't this guy Sonny Crockett's partner on Miami Vice?

"All You Need Is Love"
- Tyler Love, Alabama OL
- Jamar Love, Arkansas CB
- Jermaine Love, Arkansas LB
- DeMarcus Love, Arkansas G
- Omar Love, Ole Miss QB
- Logan Love, Tennessee DB

Mississippi State wins this one hands down, but Auburn also had a strong showing. Kudos to the Bulldogs. It will be the only SEC title they win this year: The First Annual Grateful Blue SEC "Best Names" Competition.


Brakeman said...

That Wiedemann guy is a machine!

NCT said...

Um, "Nick Pounder" also has a certain adult-film-star quality.

Assman said...

I agree, but I was thinking "Dick Pounder" would be a bit more porn-y.

Rob said...

Great post. But how could you not pay homage to South Carolina starting QB Chris Smelley?

(Not that anyone ever wants to think of a Smelley 'Cock...)

Assman said...

Good point. Smelley should have been in there. The Smelley vs. Dick matchup should be epic this year. It will be Smelley's Cocks against a pair of Hogs' Dicks.

MikeHunt said...

Mike Hunt is bleeding profusely, and its only the 3rd week

Assman said...

The Hogs' Dick has been sacked by Mike Hunt...

Anonymous said...

Florida used to have a guy with the last name Fagg on their team. He's lucky he played football because otherwise he would have been a beatdown magnet.

Anonymous said...

Mike Hunt really got pounded today. I mean, they just knocked the slobber out of Mike Hunt. Down on the sideline now, you can see Mike Hunt stretching out, just trying to keep loose. That line just couldn't block anybody, and now Mike Hunt is a bloody mess.

Assman said...

I had a sneaking suspicion that this might devolve into a Mike Hunt pun-a-thon. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Anonymous said...

Just to set the record straight DeCody Fagg played at FSU and not at Florida.

Anonymous said...

Baccari Rambo from UGA deserves note.

Anonymous said...

Bobby Hebert. pronounced "a-bear" It is french/cajun. It is not h-e-r-b-e-r-t. That would be "her-bert". The name is not mispelled. You just don't know any better, idiot!

Assman said...

To the last anonymous commenter, there is no need for name calling. I am well aware of how Hebert is pronounced (I lived in Michigan while he was QB for the Panthers), and I did not claim that it was misspelled. I was noting the unique-ness of the first name "T-Bob" and quoting Seinfeld. Chill out, dude.

Anonymous said...

For De'Mon Glanton, it's pronounced Da-mahn, rhymes with Khan.

Anonymous said...

Nick Pounder really got some deep penetration and laid the wood to Mike Hunt on that exchange.

Anonymous said...

My last name is Hebert and Hebert is pronounced "a-bear" It is french/cajun. It is not h-e-r-b-e-r-t. That would be "her-bert" If any one effen could read no one would say Mrs.her-bert there is NO R IN OUR LAST NAME!!!! The name is not mispelled. You just don't know how to read. D~A

Assman said...

To the last anon commenter: I'm not sure why you thought it was necessary to send me the same comment twice (and the second one was two months after the original post), but you obviously have a reading comprehension problem. I did not claim anywhere that the name "Hebert" was misspelled. I commented on the first name T-Bob, and quoted a Seinfeld episode. You've now commented twice (that I know of) and called me idiot and D-A (dumbass, maybe?). I repeat my comment from earlier - chill out, dude. And learn to read.

Anonymous said...

Dick Pounder announces Roller Derby in Calgary, Alberta, Canada

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