I'm Billy Mumphrey

"You see Elaine, Billy was a simple country boy. You might say a cockeyed optimist, who got himself mixed up in the high stakes game of world diplomacy and international intrigue."

- Kosmo Kramer (The Assman)

Okay, today I'm Billy Mumphrey. But I'm ready to admit that Michigan's football season is a lost cause. Although I am still convinced that this is just a bad season, and not a sign of bad things to come in the future, some others are not so sure. In my season-long quest to convince myself and others that this season is a transitional one, and does not necessarily mean doom for the Michigan football program, I thought I'd explore some other relatively recent transitions to new ways of doing things. Many teams/products have tried new formulas throughout the years, with mixed results. Let's examine some of those, shall we:

New Coke
The geniuses at Coca Cola decided in 1985 that their product was not dominant enough in the cola marketplace - their market share had dipped from 60% just after WWII to 24% because of the emergence of Pepsi. Coke's response was to come up with a new formulation for their cola that tasted more like the sweeter tasting Pepsi Cola. To make a long story short, New Coke (or Coke II) was such a failure that Coca Cola brought back the original formulation as "Classic Coke" just 77 days later and New Coke was ultimately phased out altogether by 1992. This failed marketing ploy is the standard by which all failed marketing ploys are judged - kinda like the "Watergate" of stupid marketing ideas.

Nebraska Football
Obviously this is a closer parallel to the Michigan football situation. Tom Osborne retired after the 1997 season (after sharing the 1997 national championship with Michigan), and his handpicked successor Frank Solich took over the program. In Osborne's 25 seasons at the helm, the Nebraska program had finished the season out of the top ten just four times. Solich coached the team from 1998 thru 2003, when he was fired despite winning nearly 75% of his games. Then, Nebraska inexplicably hired Bill Callahan, who had recently been fired from his position as head coach of the Oakland Raiders. The Huskers changed from a power running I-formation offense to a "west coast" style offense - with disastrous results. The Huskers fired the AD responsible for the hire, then hired Tom Osborne as AD - who then fired Callahan. Nebraska is still recovering from this. This comparison should strike some fear on the hearts of Michigan fans everywhere, but there are as many differences as similarities - so don't panic too much. Because...

Oklahoma Football
Another close parallel to Michigan football. The Sooners broke from the successful Switzer era (successful early, but struggled later) by hiring Bob Stoops in 1999. Stoops previously had been the defensive coordinator at Florida. The season before his arrival, the Sooners were 5-6, despite the superior talent accumulated by head coach John Blake's stellar recruiting. Stoops was 7-5 his first season in Norman - a season in which they used the spread offense for the first time, let by a JC transfer QB. They won the BCS championship in 2000 - just Stoops' second year on the job. Oklahoma has consistently been near the top of the rankings ever since.

Bush Administration
Despite his re-election in 2004, things were not going well with the Bush Administration in 2005 and 2006. During 2005-06, Bush changed out most of his cabinet. Gone were Sec. of State Colin Powell, Sec. of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Attorney General John Ashcroft, Chief of Staff Andrew Card, Interior Sec. Gale Norton, Sec. of Energy Spencer Abraham, and Sec of Homeland Security Tom Ridge (among others). However, the results were largely the same. The President has one of the lowest approval ratings in the history of approval ratings. Whatever it means, the success or failure of this midstream re-structuring of the cabinet will essentially be judged by the voters on a couple weeks. Election of McCain will be an endorsement of Bush policies, and election of Obama will be a repudiation of same. Barring an upset, it looks like it was a failure. Personally, I think the entire 8-year term was a failure, but perhaps that's a post for another day.

American Idol
While the essential format of American Idol has remained constant - marginally talented karaoke singers judged by three panelists of varying degrees of qualifications to judge anyone - the first year of the program featured two hosts: Ryan Seacrest and Brian Dunkleman (nice hair, dude). After the first season, Dunkleman was jettisoned and Seacrest was left as the only remaining host. Whether or not it was because of the newly formatted hosting arrangement, the show's ratings have been consistently high - routinely 50% higher than the ratings in season one - and Seacrest is a ubiquitous presence on television. Regardless of whether you like this show or not - and I do not - this has to be viewed as a good decision. In addition, many of the shows that are rip-offs of American Idol have the same format - single host, three judges: America's Got Talent, Nashville Star, etc.

Windows Vista
I have Vista on my home computer, and I haven't had any major problems with it, but I am not doing anything fancy on my home computer - Microsoft Office, torrents, internet browsing, blogging, watching porn, downloading pics of celebrity nipple slips, etc. But there are lots of whiners out there are complaining for various reasons. But there are also some positive reviews, mostly from gamers. I'm not computer savvy enough to know what the issues are, but I do know that the switchover from XP to Vista was insignificant from my standpoint. I think the jury's still out on this one.

After forty years of success under the guidance of Bo Schembechler and his former assistants Gary Moeller and Lloyd Carr, AD Bill Martin went "outside the family" to hire Rich Rodriguez from West Virginia. Not only did Martin hire an outsider, but one with an entirely different offensive philosophy. Coach Rodriguez is one of the creators of the spread offense that is used throughout the country with great success (nine of the top ten offenses in the country run a version of the spread). The good news is that West Virginia went 3-8 his first season, and 9-4 his second season. Then he went on a streak of four conference titles in five years. And the year WVU did not win the conference title, they finished second. The bad news is that it was the Big East.

The last time Michigan hired an outsider, they hired a little known assistant coach named Bo. That worked out pretty well. How will this one turn out? I'm hoping it's more like Oklahoma rather than more like Nebraska or Coke II. Stay tuned...

Mumphrey.....out

SEC Preview - Fun with Names

I thought there were some unusual names in the Big Ten, but those are nothing compared to what I found when I was scouting the Southeastern Conference. Just as the Big Ten representative has been thoroughly trounced by the SEC in the last two BCS title games, the SEC again scoffs at the Big Ten's strange names. Last year, we all had fun with the Arkansas Razorbacks team with Dick throwing to his favorite Johnson, and coached by Nutt. I suppose that's where my interest in mocking people's names came from. Again, I did not verify if any of the players listed below has exhausted their eligibility. Many of them might be gone, but I used the ESPN roster listing for each team. So sue me. Anyway, here's the SEC.

M'ore' Un'necesary A'postrophes
- Don'ta Hightower, Alabama LB
- De'Anthony Curtis, Arkansas RB
- D'Antoine Hood, Auburn DB
- Da'Shaun Barnes, Auburn LB
- Sen'Derrick Marks, Auburn DE
- T'Sharvan Bell, Auburn DB
- De'Mon Glanton, Mississippi State DB
- Donte'e Nicholls, South Carolina DT
- Ja'Kouri Williams, Tennessee RB
- Demonte' Bolden, Tennessee DT

Team with the Most Opportunities for Snickering at Their Roster
Arkansas
The Hogs not only have two Dicks (QBs Casey and his little bro Nathan), but they also have a Penix, and lots of Love (see below). Also, this photo always cracks me up. This year, even the Hogs are Nutt-less, they still have a pair of Dicks (if the first one is injured, the other one can just step in and take over). In fact, there are times when they could use both Dicks on the field at once. In addition, their new head coach is kind of a dick too. (Yes, I have the sense of humor of a 12-year-old)

Most Obvious Birth Certificate Spelling Error
Weslye Saunders, South Carolina TE
Don't hospitals have proofreaders?

Best Porn Name - For a Woman
Foxy Foxworth, South Carolina TE
This is strictly a soft-core porn name, since hardcore would be something like "Honey Titsworth."

Sometimes "Y"
Jhyryn Taylor, LSU WR
Are those considered vowels in this circumstance? If not, a vowel intervention is required.

Most Appropriate Name
Mississippi State has a linebacker named Nick Pounder, which is exactly what you want a linebacker to be - a pounder.

Military Names
Major Sosebee, Mississippi State WR
Captain Munnerlyn, South Carolina CB

Destiny's Children
Okay, if it's true that you grow into your name, then the ladies with marriage on their minds should start lining up for Mississippi State TE Jason Husband, but should stay away from South Carolina G Heath Batchelor. What woman in their right mind would want to put up with being called Mrs. Batchelor anyway? That would get old really fast.

Other Cool Names
- Rowdy Francis, Georgia S - I hope he lives up to his name.
- B.J. Wiedemann, Kentucky DE - Heh heh, his last name is a crappy G. Heileman beer - of which we drank copious amounts in college.
- Vanderal Shackleford, South Carolina LB - This sounds like a made-up name from "Fletch."
- Montario Hardesty, Tennessee RB - Another one that's got a rhythmic quality.
- T-Bob Hebert, LSU C - He is the son of former Michigan Panther and USFL Championship QB Bobby Hebert. This has dual Sienfeld significance. First, George claimed to be fascinated with the name "Hebert":

You know what's interesting. The quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons is Bobby Hebert. No "r" - which I find fascinating. You know it's Herbert h-e-r-b-e-r-t, Hebert h-e-b-e-r-t. "Hebert" it's a fun name to pronounce. Try and say it - Hebert.

Also, the name T-Bob reminds me of the episode where George wants to give himself a nickname and decides that T-Bone would be a good one. "But there's no 'T' in your name. What about G-Bone?" "There's no G-Bone."

Other Cool Names - Roman Division
-Quindarius Carr, Auburn WR
-Rodgerigus Smith, Auburn WR
-Octavius Balkcom, Auburn DE
-Omarius Hines, Florida WR
-Dontavius Jackson, Georgia RB
This sounds like a role call from a Roman Empire regiment. "Octavius, Quindarius, and Omarius - you go with Dontavius. The others will run with Mucus."

Mississippi State
This is a special commendation for the Mississippi State Bulldogs. In addition to the names already mentioned above, they have a great looking roster. Sylvester Croom has been very selective in the kinds of names he recruits. Have a look:
- Demario Bobo, DB - Great rhythmic sound for announcers. Go ahead - imagine how the stadium announcer would say it.
- De'Mon Glanton, DB - Is that pronounced like "demon" or is it more like "de-moan" or "de-mahn?" I need to know.
- Co-Eric Riley, WR - He's not the main Eric on the team. He's just a Co-Eric.
- Jasper O'Quinn, DB - Is he a leprechaun?
- Mike Hunt, DB - "Great coverage my Mike Hunt on that play. Mike Hunt was all over him. Mike Hunt is really looking good today. Uh-oh - it looks like Mike Hunt is hurt."
- Trevor Stigers, DL - There must be some mistake. Obviously, this guy is a striker on an EPL soccer team.
- Quinton Saulsberry, OL - I love his steaks.
- D.J. Looney, OL - I think I saw this guy DJ-ing in a club recently. "DJ Looney is in da house!"
- O'Neal Wilder, WR - His parents were fans of American playwrights.
- Cortez McCraney, DL - A clash of cultures - it's Spanish and Irish all in one!
- Dontavious Morrisette, RB - I just like the way this one rolls off the tongue. Another one that's just fun to say.
- Cleveland Tubbs, FB - Wasn't this guy Sonny Crockett's partner on Miami Vice?

"All You Need Is Love"
- Tyler Love, Alabama OL
- Jamar Love, Arkansas CB
- Jermaine Love, Arkansas LB
- DeMarcus Love, Arkansas G
- Omar Love, Ole Miss QB
- Logan Love, Tennessee DB

Mississippi State wins this one hands down, but Auburn also had a strong showing. Kudos to the Bulldogs. It will be the only SEC title they win this year: The First Annual Grateful Blue SEC "Best Names" Competition.

Big Ten Preview - Fun with Names

I wanted to do a Big Ten Preview before the season gets started, but that would require actual work: you know - research, knowledge, etc. So, being a lazy-ass semi-blogger, I thought I would instead try the next best thing. Look at the rosters and pick out funny names. I guess that's "research" in a manner of speaking, since I had to read thru eleven lists of names and try to tenuously connect them. If anyone actually reads this, he or she might discover some of the names referenced herein are no longer on the these teams anymore. Let me preempt that by saying that I really don't care. I got the names from the rosters listed on ESPN.com and I don't intend to do any further research to validate the current enrollment status of any individuals listed. Anyway, here it is - The Big Ten Preview of Strange Names:

Girlie First Name, Badass Last Name
Whitney Mercilus, Illinois DL
If his parents had any sense, Whitney would not have even been a consideration with the last name "Mercilus." First choice should have been Ming D. Of course, the wife may not have liked that one, so at least something like Colossus, or Zeus, or Dontarrius, or Demetrius.

You May Have Knowledge, But We Have Wisdom
Wisdom Onyegbule, Illinois DL
Knowledge Timmons, PSU CB
Judging by their positions, I would say that Wisdom is much stronger than Knowledge, but Knowledge is a lot faster than Wisdom.

M'ost Unnecessary Use of an Apostro'phe
Brand'on Riggins, Purdue LB
J'Michael Deane, MSU OL
Da'Jon McKnight, Minnesota WR

Worst Case of Indecision by Parents
Stephfon Green, PSU RB
"I like the name Ste-fon. How do you think we should spell it? With a 'ph' or an 'f'?"
"I don't know. Fuck it. Let's do both. S-T-E-P-H-F-O-N."

Scrabble
Xzavian Brandon, Minnesota WR
"Wouldn't it be cool to have our baby's name be the highest possible scrabble score? We should put an X and a Z in the name. That's 20 points right there. Oh yeah, V's are worth four points too. Let's add one of those. Can I have another hit?"

Most Cartoonish Name
Will Suess, Indiana QB
"I will not throw up INTs
I will not flinch when they dive into my knees
I will not wait for Lewis to leave
I want to start now, if you please
I'd like to throw to Andrew Means
To either sideline or in between
I wish I wasn't such a loser
But I'm the one who chose the Hoosiers"

New Members of The Reggie Cleveland All-Stars
Wisconsin DL O'Brien Schofield
This dude sounds like a white lacrosse player from a prep school somewhere in New England. Apparently, he's a black guy from Chicago.

Purdue WR Joe Whitest
Indiana has a guy named Larry Black. Minnesota has a guy named Damien White. But only Purdue has the Whitest. Wide Receiver Joe Whitest, that is. Oddly enough, Joe Whitest is a black man, as pictured at right.

Buy a Vowel? Donate a Consonant?
Wisconsin offensive lineman Jake Bscherer's name seems to either be missing at least one vowel, or has too many consonants. Perhaps you could donate one of your consonants to Minnesota LB Logan U'u (I'm not even sure how you pronounce that one). Jake, if you donate your B, the two of you would be "Scherer" and "Ubu."

Most Appropriate Name
The Illini have an offensive lineman named Eric Block. It seems quite appropriate - like a library cop named Bookman, or an ice cream man named Cone.

Other Cool Names
-Michigan WR Martavious Odoms - It just flows off the tongue. "Back to receive the punt - Martavious Odoms. Punt fumbled by Martavious Odoms."
-Minnesota RB Shady Salamon - If his nickname is not "Slim," someone is not doing their job.
-Purdue WR Desmond Tardy - He's always late for practice.
-Illinois DL Clay Nurse - Is that a nurse that is made out of clay, or a nurse who helps treat clay objects?
-Wisconsin WR Nick Toon - Isn't that a show on Nickelodeon late at nite? Nicktoons?
-Minnesota DT Jewhan Edwards - I'm not sure how to make a joke out of this one, but there is definitely something funny about it.
-Illinois QB Juice Williams - I could not leave this one off the list. Announcers no doubt have fun with using "Juice got squeezed" at every opportunity.
-Indiana has two different guys with the first name "Keegan." There oughta be a one-Keegan-per-team quota. Get to work on this, NCAA.
-There are several instances of the names Deon and Dante being combined to form some strange hybrid name. But none are spelled quite the same: Deante, Diauntae, Dionte, Deon, Deandre, Diondrae, Donsay, and Deonte.

Corporate Sell-Out
Purdue FB Frank Halliburton used to be Frank Enron before Enron went belly up. He got new sponsorship deal and has a job lined up with Halliburton after he graduates. This is all legal under NCAA rules, but Frank cannot accept a free pizza or oilfield services from Halliburton until his eligibility is used up.

A Whole Lotta Love
Indiana has WR Charles Love and OL Kenny Love. Michigan State has WR Terry Love. Minnesota has CB Daron Love.

The Illini have Juice, Wisdom, Mercilus, Block, and Nurse. The Gophers have Xzavian, Jewhan, Shady, U'u, Da'Jon, and one Love. It's too close to call...

Go Blue!

Tebow the Mohel

Tebow: So, what did you guys do for spring break?

Teammate: We went to Cancun. Did some body shots off some hot chicks from Georgia. Drank until daylight a couple times. Laid in the sun all hungover. Slept with eight other dudes in a small hotel room. Puked off the balcony. Typical spring break stuff. How about you?

Tebow: I circumcised some Filipino babies.

Awkward silence...

Hogs, Mallett, and the NCAA

Arkansas is petitioning the NCAA on behalf of former Michigan quarterback Ryan Mallett to waive the requirement that players transferring have to sit out one year before they are eligible to play. They are arguing "extenuating circumstances." The extenuating circumstance in this case is that Michigan got a new coach that runs an offense he feels he is not suited for. If this waiver is granted, and Mallett is allowed to play this year, it could open the floodgates and force the NCAA to review each and every transfer for "extenuating circumstances." If "the new coach runs an offense I don't like" is an extenuating circumstance, then I can see TONS of players try this type of tactic to get the NCAA to waive their one-year waiting period:

• New running back coach wants me to run faster. I want to transfer.
• New secondary coach insists that I cover faster players. I object to this.
• Old coach said I would start this year. New coach says I have to earn it. I want out.
• I thought I was going to play linebacker, but they want to move me to defensive end. No way.

I suspect the "extenuating circumstances" wording, when written into the rules by the NCAA, was probably meant for family hardships, unexpected deaths, etc. (QB's mother died, he needs to be closer to home to help his family deal with it; brother has leukemia, needs bone marrow).

If they grant this waiver it would be a travesty. Unless they want to change the rules, which is fine by me. But if they change the rule to "if a coach leaves, you can transfer and play immediately," then coaches would be stabbing each other in the back and circling like vultures whenever a fellow coach is fired. It would be like a college version of free agency. For example, it was pretty well known that 2007 was going to be Lloyd's last year. Would it have been fair if 40 guys decided they were going to transfer out to play immediately next year at ND, or Purdue, or Cincinnati? Michigan's squad would have been decimated.

I've got nothing against Ryan Mallett. I hope he has success at Arkansas. But if he is allowed to play this year, the NCAA becomes a bigger joke than it already is.

College Football 2007

Okay, I'm not here to do an exhaustive review of the college football season, but I do want to illustrate how wacky of a season this was in terms of the rankings at the top of the polls. I'm just using the AP poll for simplicity's sake.

• In 2007, there were a total of four different teams ranked number one in the AP poll - USC, LSU, Ohio State, and Missouri. In 2006, OSU was ranked number 1 all season until they lost to Florida in the BCS championship game. In 2005, USC was ranked number 1 all season until they lost to Texas in the BCS championship game. In 2004, USC was ranked number 1 all season. Anyway, you get the picture: compared to the past few seasons, there was lots of upheaval in the top spot.


• In 2007, there were a total of 8 different teams ranked number two in the AP poll - LSU, USC, California, South Florida, Boston College, Oregon, Kansas, and West Virginia. Of all those teams, only one (LSU) jumped up to number one after being number 2. And LSU did it twice. Also, of all those teams, only three (LSU obviously, Kansas, and WVU) are playing in New Years bowl games.


• In 2005, the top 2 in the rankings were USC-Texas (in that order) for the entire season - until Texas beat USC in the champioship game. In 2004, the top 2 in the rankings were USC-Oklahoma (in that order) for the entire season - until USC beat the Sooners in the championship game and undefeated Auburn took over the number 2 spot.

All in all, I thought this was a great college football season. I think it's much more interesting when more teams are jockeying for position at the top rather than a couple powerhouse teams just mowing everyone down and cruising to the BCS championship. Here's to my favorite season of the year - Bowl Season.

Cheers!

Go Blue!