Well, the Summer Olympics are coming up (opening ceremonies are on Friday) and for the most part, I have no particular insight into who's going to win. Most of the events in the Summer Olympics are pretty obscure. I can't even begin to tell anyone with any degree of certainty who's going to win the fencing medals (or what the rules of fencing are, or the names of anyone participating, or...). I can, however, make fun of names. Here are some of the more interesting names on the US team:
The US has two competitors named Gay and Dix. People ask me all the time, "Who do you like in this race?" And I'll tell you what I tell them: "A lot of people like Dix here, but not me - I'm a Gay man*. Go Gay!"
*I'm not actually gay (not that there's anything wrong with that).
Hyleas Fountain is one of the US competitors in the heptathlon. Her name sounds like a landmark, not an athlete. "You're looking for directions to the park? Okay, turn right at the next light. Then, take a left at Hyleas Fountain. You can't miss it..."
DeeDee Trotter is in this event, but something tells me she would be better suited for distance running. Where is BeeBee Sprinthoff? Or GiGi Fasterton?
Marshevet Hooker is running this race, and I for one find it shocking to find a Hooker anywhere near an Olympic venue. If the Chinese government gets wind of this, she'll be detained until the games have been completed, at which time she can resume her hooker-esque behavior.
Women's 400m Hurdles
Queen Harrison's parents must have had some high aspirations for their daughter. She's not a queen yet, but she did make the Olympic team. The announcers and writers are just salivating at the possibility of the puns they could potentially use if she wins. "Queen rules the hurdles," is but one lame example of the pain we may have to endure.
The women's soccer team has not only has Mitts, but also Cox and a Boxx. "Do I like green eggs and ham? I do not like them Sam I Am. I will not eat them with Stephanie Cox, I will not eat them with Shannon Boxx. But I would like to eat them with Heather Mitts, but only if she shows her..."
The men's soccer team has Maurice Edu and Freddy Adu. I'm not sure if that's funny or not, but it is strange.
There are several permutations of the name Shawn on the US Olympic team. For the men, Shawn Crawford will be running the 200m. LaShawn Merritt will be running the 400m. Bershawn Jackson will be running the 400 meter hurdles. Tayshaun Prince will be lacing up the sneakers for the hoops team. Shawn Estrada will be boxing in the middleweight division. Sean Rooney is an outside hitter on the volleyball squad. Sean McLelland is a skeet shooter.
On the women's side, Chaunte Howard will be competing in the high jump. LaShaunte'a Moore will be available to help out on the 4x100m relay team. Shawn Johnson will be leading the gymnastics team. Shani Marks is a triple jumper.
Most Melanin-Deficient Sounding Teams
The USA Baseball team sounds more like a fraternity pledge class and less like a team of world class athletes: Jake, Trevor, Jeremy, Brandon, Blaine, Casey, Taylor, Jason, Jayson.
Similarly, the USA Women's Field Hockey team sounds like roll call at my daughter's preschool: Lauren, Katelyn, Lauren, Jesse, Tiffany, Kayla, Rachel, Kate.
Team with Most Soap Opera Names
The Men's Volleyball team has several members whose parents got their names right off the "Soap Opera Names" website, if such a thing exists: Reid Priddy, Clay Stanley, Riley Salmon, Gabe Gardner, Hugh McCutcheon. All that's missing is someone named Frisco, Steele or Ridge.
Most Obvious Use of Foreign Ringers
Table Tennis: David Zhuang, Wang Chen, Gao Jun, Chrystal Huang. What has happened to American dominance in ping pong? Have we fallen so far behind in table tennis that we have to outsource to Asia, even for the Olympics? Why doesn't the USOC have any funding set aside for inner city table tennis training? I want my tax dollars spent on American table tennis development, not on outsourcing. We have the resources here in this country. There are ping pong tables in millions of American basements and fraternities. Who's with me? Anyone?