NCAA Regionals - South and Midwest

Click here for the East and West Regionals.

Here's part 2 of our guide to the NCAA regionals - the South and Midwest Regionals.

South Region - The Wink Martindale Region
This is the toughest region to pick. I think the Longhorns are going to beat the Spartans to reach the final four.

Stanford
The Cardinal are led by twin big men Brook and Robin Lopez. These guys are "actual" twin towers. Really, they're twins. Do you think they'll mention that during the telecast? The Cardinal last made the final four in 1998. They have won one NCAA championship - in 1942. There were 8 teams in the tournament. Since all able-bodied men were off fighting in WWII, the starting lineup consisted of two semi-crippled overweight engineers, two large lesbians, and a golden retriever. Notable Stanford alums include President Herbert Hoover, former Vice Presidential candidate Admiral James Stockdale (Perot's running mate), filmmaker Roger Corman, actor Jack Palance, poet laureate Robert Pinsky, Yahoo! co-founder Jerry Yang, and Vintner Robert Mondavi (but not his son Shawn Mondavi). In fact, there are so many "notable" Stanford alumni, that I could not list all the astronauts, supreme court justices, etc. Suffice to say, Stanford wins just about any argument regarding significant alums.

What you need to know to watch the game: Their mascot is a tree. And the nickname is "Cardinal." Singular. It's cardinal, as in "the color red." As far as I know, they are the only college team with a color as their nickname - or a tree as their mascot. Lots of teams have color in their names (Blue Devils, Red Storm, Golden Hurricanes, etc), but Stanford is the only color as their name. Stanford has won the NACDA Director's Cup, awarded annually to the college or university with the most success in collegiate athletics, for 13 consecutive years (1994-95 to 2006-07). Also, did you know that Stanford has twin brothers on their team?

Texas
The Austin campus has over 33,000 undergrads, placing it behind only Penn State, Texas A&M, and Ohio State in total undergrad enrollment. The basketball team has landed on its feet after Kevin Durant left after just one season in Austin. They lost only six times all year, and three of those were to teams that are still alive in the NCAA tournament. If it's true that guard play is what leads to NCAA tournament success, Texas is in pretty good shape. Their top two scorers are guards. The Longhorns have never won a national title, but they last made the final four in 2003. They've always been known as a football school. Notable UT alums include cartoonist Berkeley Breathed (Bloom County), 70s wank fantasy Farrah Fawcett, singer Janis Joplin, record exec David Geffen, actor Fess Parker (Daniel Boone and Davy Crockett), ugly actor Eli Wallach, cheater Roger Clemens, and Ima Hogg (daughter of former Texas governor).

What you need to know to watch the game: Texas will be playing close to home in Houston. In addition, if they get out of the region, the final four is in San Antonio, which is about the same distance from Austin as Houston is. There is a serious possibility for a Texas advantage here. Also, their burnt orange is not nearly as annoying and retina-scarring as the Tennessee creamsicle orange.

Memphis
This school was known as Memphis State University until 1994, when they changed the name to University of Memphis. Their basketball team has enjoyed a resurgence under head coach John Calipari and since his arrival in 2000, and have made the postseason every year he has been there. The Tigers have made the elite 8 the last two years. In order to do it again, they'll have to deal with a pesky MSU squad. Notable alums include actor and former presidential candidate Fred Thompson, game show host Wink Martindale, and civil rights leader Benjamin Hooks.

What you need to know to watch the game: Since they are playing in Texas on Friday night, I expect that there will be some inane discussion by the broadcast crews in-studio and on-site of the merits of Texas barbecue vs. Memphis barbecue. Prepare to be bored by it.

Michigan State
As I wrote previously, MSU has enjoyed some serious consistent success lately. This will be their seventh sweet 16 appearance in the last 11 years. Coach Tom Izzo (known as "God" in East Lansing) has built an elite program that is consistently contending not only for Big Ten titles, but for national titles as well. The Spartans have won two national titles (most recently in 2000), and they've been to four final fours in the last 9 years. This year's team was very inconsistent (a loss to Iowa in which the Spartans scored just 36 points, and losses to Illinois and Penn State), but Izzo has them peeking at tournament time yet again. Notable alumni include TV's Robert Urich, actor James Caan, Houston Astros owner Drayton McLane, and ambulance-chasing attorney Geoffrey Fieger.

What you need to know to watch the game: Izzo is known for his fierce rebounding drills, in which players often don football pads. The Spartans are always near the top of the Big Ten in rebounding, despite their somewhat undersized lineup. In fact, this year they led the conference in rebounding, as well as FG% and assists per game.

Midwest Region - The Chris Farley Region
I think Kansas is just too tough. Jayhawks over the Badgers for a trip to San Antonio.

Wisconsin
Badgers head coach Bo Ryan is becoming the Tom Izzo of Wisconsin. The Badgers somehow consistently finish atop the Big Ten standings despite their overall whiteness, and the fact that players have to be convinced to come to school in Wisconsin. The Badgers simply outwork other teams and are surprisingly athletic - and very well coached. Wisconsin last made the final four in 2000, the year MSU took the title. While their plodding style is not always pretty, they know how to win. Not only that, but they've got a nice list of alumni. The list includes actress Joan Cusack, second lady Lynne Cheney, musician Steve Miller, actor Tom Wopat (Dukes of Hazzard), filmmakers David and Larry Zucker (Airplane!), actor Chris Farley, naturalist John Muir (founder of the Sierra Club).

What you need to know to watch the game: The Badgers' defensive stopper, Michael Flowers, will undoubtedly be assigned to Davidson leading scorer Curry. If anyone can stop Curry, Flowers is the guy. He held MSU's Drew Neitzel to a 1-for-10 shooting performance in their meeting earlier this year.

Davidson
Davidson is a small private college in Davidson, NC. When I say "small," I mean small. The undergraduate enrollment is 1700. They won their conference title this year, and their best player (Stephen Curry) could probably start for any team in the country, including some NBA teams. His dad is longtime NBA sharpshooter Dell Curry. Their alumni list is surprisingly interesting, and it includes President Woodrow Wilson, former secretary of state Dean Rusk (1960s), former Clinton white house counsel Vince Foster, and former Fox News republican shill (sorry - redundancy alert) White House Press Secretary Tony Snow.

What you need to know to watch the game: If the Badgers can stop Stephen Curry - say, hold him to 20 points or less - they have a good chance of advancing. If Curry is able to get Flowers off the floor with foul trouble, or is able to get open and score 30+, look out Badgers.

Kansas
Rock-chalk-Jayhawk! What the hell does that mean? I don't know what it means. I'm just a caveman. But there's one thing I do know: Kansas is good. They're making their sixth sweet sixteen appearance in eight years. They last made the final four in 2003, and they won the most recent of their two national titles in 1988, led by Danny Manning. In fact, I attended the regional final game that year in the Pontiac Silverdome. They played Mitch Richmond and the KSU Wildcats. Bill Self has been widely criticized for failing to get Kansas into the final four. He's trying to fill some mighty big shoes. The Jayhawks first coach was none other than the inventor of the game, James Naismith. Notable alumni include senator Bob Dole, actor Don Johnson, actor Paul Rudd, and baseball stat guru Bill James.

What you need to know to watch the game: Kansas has a very balance attack, with five players averaging between 9.5 and 13.1 ppg. Kansas leads the nation in scoring margin at 21 ppg.

Villanova
Villanova is a catholic university located in Philadelphia. They may have been the last team invited to the tournament to fill out the field. A midseason five-game losing streak (including an embarrassing 22 point loss at St. Johns and a loss to Rutgers) almost doomed them. They have taken advantage of the opportunity with two tourney wins to make it to the sweet 16 for the third time in four years. They last made the final four in 1985, the same year that they upset Georgetown for their only national championship. Notable Villanova alumni include singer Jim Croce and Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell.

What you need to know to watch the game: Suggested drinking game - drink whenever reference is made to the 1985 national championship team. You'll be flat on your ass by the time the pregame show is over.

So, there you have it. My completely uninformed opinion about this weekend's games. Good luck with your brackets.

NCAA Regionals - East and West

Click here for the South and Midwest Regionals.

What I know about college basketball this year could fit on an old style 8-inch floppy disc. In other words, it's not much. Prior to the start of conference tournaments, I had not sat down and watched an entire game all season. But why should that stop me from posting a guide to the NCAA regionals? This is not original stuff, but I just gathered and assembled the info from around the internet into a concise package for your edumaction.

East Region - The Andy Griffith Region
This is the only region in which three of the four teams are actually located in relatively close proximity to the regional site (Charlotte, NC). I think Louisville is going to beat UNC for the spot in the final four.

UNC
For all the blather about UNC and tradition and Dean Smith and Michael Jordan and yadda yadda yadda, you would think they'd won like a hundred national titles. Nope. Just four. By the way, a "Tar Heel" is an inhabitant of North Carolina. Its origins are uncertain, but it probably has something to do with tar. And heels. Most famous alumni are basketball players, but some more notable non-basketball alums include novelist Russell Banks (The Sweet Hereafter, Cloudsplitter, Rule of The Bone), baseball guru Peter Gammons, comedian Lewis Black, actor Andy Griffith, President James K. Polk, Senator John Edwards, Caleb Bradham (inventor of Pepsi Cola), and Rick Dees (of "Disco Duck" fame).

What you need to know to watch the game: Rotation goes 9 or 10 players deep, and team averages just under 90 pts per game. "Carolina Blue" is only the second gayest color in the region.

Washington State
Washington State does not have much of a basketball tradition. They have one national title, and that came back in 1917, when they were still using peach baskets, there were only four teams competing, and all the players were 5'8" and had handlebar mustaches. And I think they used an inflated sheeps bladder for a ball. They last reached the final 4 in 1941. The Bennett family has brought basketball back to respectibility in Pullman, WA. Dick Bennett was followed by his son Tony as head coach. Last year, they lost in the second round of the NCAA tourney to Vanderbilt. Their most famous alumni are Microsoft co-founder and owner of the Portland Trail Blazers and Seattle Seahawks Paul Allen and Bill Nye The Science Guy.

What you need to know to watch the game: Bennett coached teams are known for their tough defense. There is nothing else interesting about this team. Nothing.

Louisville
The Cardinals have two national titles to their credit (1980, 1986). Head coach Rick Pitino has one title of his own from his years at Kentucky. They last reached the final four in 2005. Since 2000 the Cardinals are the only NCAA team to win a BCS bowl game, appear in the men's basketball Final Four, College Baseball World Series, and win a national championship in Track and Field. I've always wondered why their mascot is not horse-related, since the most famous horse race in the world, The Kentucky Derby, is held in Louisville. Their most famous alumni are senator Mitch McConnell, NPR host Bob Edwards, and celebfucker Larry Birkhead.

What you need to know to watch the game: Head coach Rick Pitino is short and wears nice suits. Team playes frenetic defense - often with a full-court press.

Tennessee
The Volunteers are not known for their basketball program. Their most accomplished era, prior to this one, was when they featured the "Ernie and Bernie" show, starring Ernie Grunfeld and Bernard King, and that was back in the 70s. Now, with Bruce Pearl at the helm, they are becoming a perennial NCAA tournament team. They also made it to the sweet 16 last year. Their women's team probably out-draws their men's team. The women have 7 NCAA titles. The men have never won a national title, and have never been to a final four. Their most famous alums include authors Kurt Vonnegut (Slaughterhouse 5), Alex Haley (Roots), and Cormac McCarthy (No Country for Old Men), as well as noted poker player Chris Moneymaker, and former Jordanian Prime Minister Ali Abu al-Ragheb.

What you need to know to watch the game: Head coach Bruce Pearl wears a loud orange sport coats on the sidelines, and sometimes does a good imitation of David Puddy. Volunteers "creamsicle orange" is the gayest team color left in the sweet 16.

West - The Don Knotts Region
I'm picking UCLA to beat Xavier for a trip to the final four.

Xavier
The Musketeers have become virtually a perennial participant in the NCAA tournament, despite the fact that their coaches often leave for more lucrative jobs elsewhere - Thad Matta to OSU, Skip Prosser to Wake Forest, Pete Gillen to Providence. They've made the field in 7 of the last 8 years. In that period, they have only lost in the first round twice. Not bad for a small private school (4000 undergrads). Notable alums include hall of fame pitcher and current senator Jim Bunning, and actor Robert Romanus, who played Mike Damone in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

What you need to know to watch the game: Xavier has six players averaging between 9.8 and 12.1 points per game.

West Virginia
The Mountaineers have recently encountered some prosperity, thanks in part to the coaching and recruiting of John Beilein, who's now Michigan's head coach. They've never made the final 4, but they made a run to the elite 8 in 2005, and the sweet 16 in 2006, behind the sweet shooting and multiple tatoos of Kevin Pittsnogle. They also won an NIT championship in 2007. So Bob Huggins (a WVU alum) inherited a tourney-tested squad this year. It's no surprise that he has them in the sweet 16 again. Notable alumni include actor Don Knotts, coaches Terry and Tommy Bowden, logo Jerry West, accused felon Pacman Jones.

What you need to know to watch the game: Bitter WVU fans are still threatening to kill Rich Rodriguez. Perhaps a trip to the final four will help them move on. Well, that and some moonshine from cousin Cleetus' still.

UCLA
The Bruins have 11 national titles to their credit, and current coach Ben Howland has had them back into the final four the last two years. It's hard to top the tradition of UCLA basketball. Like UNC, their list of alumni is also basketball-intensive. As you might expect, it's pretty entertainer-heavy as well. Notable non-hoops alums include astronaut Story Musgrave (missions on all five space shuttles), overactor Jack Black, actor James Dean, MILF Heather Locklear, Spinal Tap's Harry Shearer, The Doors' Ray Manzarek and Jim Morrison, former LA mayor Tom Bradley, and writer Carlo Castaneda.

What you need to know to watch the game: PAC-10 player of the year and freshman of the year Kevin Love is the nephew of Beach Boys singer Mike Love.

Western Kentucky
Located in Bowling Green, KY, the Hilltoppers made it to the NCAA tourney by virtue of their upset victory in the Sun Belt Conference tournament. WKU has previously made it to one final four - in 1971. Notable alums include filmmaker John Carpenter, PGA pro Kenny Perry, journalist Duncan Hines. Now, I'm not an expert, but when I looked up "hilltopper" in urbandictionary.com, this is what I got. Instead of putting it here for all to be disgusted by, I'll just link to it, and you can be disgusted by choice. "I'm a Hilltopper!"

What you need to know to watch the game: The Hilltoppers rely on two players to do most of their scoring. Lee and Brazleton average more than 34 ppg between them, and no one else on the team averages more than 8 ppg. Also, they have one of the most inexplicable mascots in all of sports. His/her/its name is Big Red, and that's him/her/it on the right.

Check back later to see the midwest and south regions.

Athletes as Actors, part 2: NBA Basketball

Here's part 1.
Here's part 3.

Athletes want to be actors, and actors want to be athletes. Basketball players, because of their freakish height, seem to get lots of roles that are, well, "basketball players." Either that or humongous villians or gigantic genies. Here are some of the most notable (not necessarily the best) NBA basketball players who tried their hand at acting:

Shaquille O'Neal
The thing I like best about Shaq is that he doesn't take himself too seriously. He's appeared in four movies, two of which (Kazaam and Steel) he also got executive producer credits for, meaning he basically hired himself to be in his own movie. And he played a basketball player in Blue Chips. He also hosted SNL in 1998. This appearance featured a hilarious scene in which Shaq was Tracy Morgan's son and was attempting to sit on his lap. Shaq's monotone voice does not lend itself to expressing anything other than, well, nothing.

Kareem Abdul Jabbar
Kareem not only played Roger Murdock the co-pilot in Airplane!, but he also appeared in a Bruce Lee movie, Game of Death. Played himself in guest appearances in movies and on TV shows, including Fletch, Full House, Diff'rent Strokes, Scrubs. His role in Airplane featured this classic line: "Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes." Oh, and Kareem has a pretty cool blog right now. Check it out.

Bill Laimbeer
Laimbeer was perhaps the most hated player of his era. He played a sleestack in the 70s on Saturday morning kids TV show Land of The Lost. Perfect role for a ugly, lanky teenage doofus - put a green lizard suit on him and have him lurch around for a few minutes. Although his professional acting career is unremarkable, his entire NBA career consisted of pretending to be fouled and claiming innocence whenever a foul was called on him. Some might call that "acting" too...

Wilt Chamberlain
Not only did he claim to have bagged over 20,000 women, but he appeared on lots of shows in the 60s and 70s (Laugh-In, What's My Line?). But he was not really "acting" but "appearing." He did play a gigantic menacing villian in Conan The Destroyer. He was a model of physical fitness even into his later years, as he toyed with NBA comebacks up until he was in his 50s - mainly because of his jealousy of how much money was being made by everyone but him. Also, for a while he was a partner in a film production company.

Ray Allen
Allen, a former star at UConn, played Jesus Shuttlesworth in He Got Game. His other notable role was in Harvard Man, in which he played - you guessed it - a basketball player. Has perhaps the most boring wikipedia bio of any NBA player. The Onion had it right.

Alex English
The former Denver Nuggets star played "Amazing Grace Smith" in Amazing Grace and Chuck, in which English's character takes up the cause of a kid who refuses to play little league baseball until nuclear weapons are disarmed. He also played himself in Eddie. During his playing career, he was known as being "smoove." I think this means that he scored a lot and played no defense.

Julius Erving
NBA hall-of-famer Dr. J was in The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh. Since this was a basketball movie, lots of players from that era (1979) were in this movie, including such players as Leon Douglas, Eric Money, Bob Lanier, Chris Ford, John Shumate, and Curtis Rowe. Hmm - seems to include a lot of ex-Pistons. Trivia - averaged 26 points and 20 rebounds per game in his two years of varsity basketball at UMass.

Rick Fox
Of all the NBA basketball players on this list, Fox is the most accomplished actor. In addition to the obligatory basketball movies he appeared in (Blue Chips, He Got Game, Eddie), he also was a regular on the HBO series Oz, and appeared in many TV shows over the last several years (Ugly Betty, One Tree Hill, Dirt). While he may be the most accomplished actor on this list, he's also the worst basketball player on this list. So I guess everything balances out.

Only a couple of these guys played anything except basketball players. Fox, whose good looks and relatively reasonable 6'7" stature allows him to play more "regular" roles; Shaq, who hired himself to play a genie and a superhero; Kareem, who was a karate black belt; and Wilt, who played a gargantuan prehistoric villian. So, if you're an NBA player and you want to get into acting, here are the possible career paths to explore:

1. Portray basketball players. To do this, you need to wait for a basketball movie to be made. Anyone, including Leon Douglas, can do this.
2. Portray freakishly tall villians/superheroes. See Shaq, Wilt, Kareem.
3. Finance your own movie, hire yourself as star. See Shaq.
4. Be handsome and not be freakishly tall. See Rick Fox.

I must have missed some. Send me your suggestions in the comments and I'll add more if I have time. Stay tuned for part 3 next week.