Isaiah Thomas - FIU Coach

There is no way this turns out badly. After all, Isiah has been successful everywhere he's been...

I'm not sure how the interview went at Florida International for Isiah to actually land this job. Maybe something like this...

FIU: So, Mr. Thompson...
IT: Please, call me Isiah.
FIU: Okay, Isiah. So I've looked at your resume and I find it very interesting. You claim to have been the commissioner of a minor league professional basketball organization called the CBA, but I can't find any record of it's existence. Can you please explain?
IT: Well, it went bankrupt shortly after I left. Of course it was not because of anything I did during my tenure as league commissioner. I actually turned down an offer of $11 million from the NBA to buy the league and essentially be its minor league affiliate. It didn't seem like a fair price.
FIU: I see (scratches head, writes note). So tell me about your experience as a head coach with the Indiana Pacers.
IT: Well, I took my team to the playoffs for three straight years.
FIU: That's right, I remember that. Didn't you go to the conference finals or something like that?
IT: Well, actually Larry Bird took them to the conference finals the year before I got there. We lost in the first round in each of the seasons I was the head coach.
FIU: I see (scribbles note). So, you then became President of Basketball Operations for the Knicks. Tell me about some of your most successful contribution in that position.
IT: Let's see. I was able to parlay two high first round draft picks and get talented young big man Eddy Curry from the Bulls. I hired Larry Brown. I signed Jerome James...
FIU: Okay, I get it. Let's move on. After you fired your hand picked head coach, Larry Brown, after just one year and replaced him with yourself, how would you assess your performance as head coach of the Knicks?
IT: I feel we performed up to the talent level that the GM gave me.
FIU: Um, but weren't you the GM?
IT: Technically, but Mr. Dolan signs the checks.
FIU: Okay. Well, Mr. Thompson, I don't see anything here that would make this look like a good hire. I'm gonna have a hard time selling this to the board of regents. You seem to have failed at every job you've had since your playing career ended. In addition, I seem to remember some sort of a sexual harassment lawsuit against you and the Knicks. Convince me that you are the right coach to usher in a new era of basketball for Florida International.
IT: Well, the Knicks are still paying me. I'll work for free.
FIU: You're hired. I'll set up a press conference...

FIU = Failure Is Unavoidable

Isiah Thomas and Napoleon Bonaparte

Today is the 205th anniversary of the Louisiana Purchase. In 1803, we acquired 828,000 square miles of territory from the French. Thomas Jefferson was the President at the time, and it was Napoleon Bonaparte that negotiated the sale of the land to the US. We got it for the low low bargain basement price of $11,250,000. Including interest, the US ultimately paid just over $23 million for the territory, which now comprises 23% of the territory of the US today. We doubled the size of the country at a price of about three cents per acre. Not a bad deal. Basically, we fleeced the French government. Apparently we were prepared to pay $10 million just for New Orleans.

It's probably not a coincidence that today is also the birthday of Isiah Thomas (born in 1961). He is obviously the "Napoleon" of NBA executives. Like Napoleon, he was great on the battlefield. As a military leader, Napoleon was a General during the French Revolution, which obviously was a very successful endeavor. However, once he became the ruler of France, he made some ill-advised moves - invasion of Russia (which led to his exile and death) and the Louisiana Purchase.

Similarly, Isiah was a great leader as a player on the floor. He was arguably the best point guard of all time - certainly among the top five. He led his teams to one NCAA championship and two NBA championships, and his teams were perpetually competitive. He played injured (scored 25 points in the fourth quarter on a broken ankle against the Lakers in the NBA finals). He scored in bunches (scored 16 points in 1:33 against the Knicks in a 1984 playoff game). He continues to be one of my favorite players ever. However, like Napoleon, things went horribly wrong once he became the head honcho. He bankrupted an entire basketball league (the CBA) when he turned down the NBA's offer of $11 million to make it the official minor league. This led to the formation of the NBDL. As a coach, he has never taken a team past the first round of the playoffs. As an executive, he was an absolute train wreck, particularly his most recent stint with the Knicks. He signed mediocre players to huge contracts (Jerome James, Jared Jeffries). He made ill-advised trades (Steve Francis, Stephon Marbury, Zach Randolph, Eddy Curry). The Knicks and Isiah were sued by an MSG employee for sexual harassment, which ended up costing the Knicks $11.6 million dollars.

Here is a quick "Tale of The Tape" between Napoleon and Isiah - some striking similarities:

	Napoleon Bonaparte	Isiah Thomas
height	Disputed (5'-2" to 5'-7")	6'-0"
battlefield glory	French Revolution	Back-to-back NBA titles
worst trade	Louisiana Purchase - doomed France to second-tier nation status	Acquiring Stephon Marbury - doomed Knicks to years of ineptitude
worst tactical move	Invasion of Russia	turning down $11M from NBA for CBA
termination	Exiled to Elba	Fired as Pacers coach
resurgence	Escaped from exile, governed for 100 days	Hired by Knicks
disgraced	re-exiled to St. Helena	Fired by Knicks
humiliated	chronic hemorrhoids	Sexual harassment lawsuit
cause of death	disputed (poison or stomach cancer?)	Shot by deranged Knick fan in 2012

Anyone else see the similarities? Just me? Okay, I can live with that. Any other suggestions are welcome.