The Masters Lookalikes, Volume 2

Well, it's that time of year again. April is an outstanding month for sports: MLB opening day, Final Four, NFL Draft, NCAA spring practice, and of course The Masters. I did this lookalike thing last year, and I enjoyed it, so let's have another go at it, shall we? I will not repeat any from last time, so if think of a good lookalike, check on the previous post and see if it was covered already:




Miguel Angel Jimenez - The Most Interesting Man In The World (Dos Equis TV commercials)

I think this one's more for his smoky voice and accent than it is for his actual looks. They both smoke cigars and travel the world. Stay thirsty, my friends...

Luke Donald - Soren Kjeldsen - actor Neil Patrick Harris
Could there be two golfers who look like Doogie Howser/Barney Stinson? Apparently there are at least two entered in The Masters this week. Each has a forehead that won't quit - more like a "five-head." Hey-o....





Larry Mize - UNC head coach Roy Williams
A former Masters champion, and a current NCAA champion...

Craig Stadler - a walrus

The main difference between these two - one has whiskers and a 6" thick layer of blubber to keep himself warm during the inactive winter months, and the other is a flippered marine mammal.

Soren Hansen - actor Paul Lieberstein (Toby Flenderson from "The Office")



Kevin Sutherland - actor Jack McBrayer (Kenneth from "30 Rock")
They both have an "aw shucks" quality.
"Gee Mr. Donaghy, I think you're the best boss ever."
"Gee Mr. Woods, you sure can putt real good?"




Carl Petterson - actor Larry Joe Campbell from "According to Jim"




Alvaro Quiros - actor Sacha Baron Cohen from "Borat"

Add your suggestions in the comments and I'll try to add as the day progresses.

Michigan Coaching Change

Ann Arbor, MI -- In an unprecedented move, the University of Michigan Athletic Department has announced that they have terminated the contract of head football coach Rich Rodriguez after just one season on the job. Athletic Director Bill Martin stated that "the team was not progressing at a satisfactory pace," and that coach Rod's methods were not "Michigan-like" enough. Martin also cited the high rate of transfers out of the program since coach Rod took over, including presumed starters Sam McGuffie, Ryan Mallett, Steven Threet, Justin Boren, and Toney Clemens. He also noted that he had been contacted earlier this week by coach Bo Schembechler himself, who told him that he needed to find a new coach who didn't run some sort of newfangled fancy offense, and preferably one who is more surly with the media. Martin further explained that the coaching search will begin immediately. Martin is awaiting further instructions from Bo as to the potential candidates, but speculation is running rampant that candidates will include Lloyd Carr, Mike DeBord, Stan Parrish, Gary Moeller, Jerry Hanlon, Les Miles, Corwin Brown, Jim Harbaugh, Mike Trgovac, Jamie Morris, Mark Messner, and Todd Bowles. Bo is expected to re-appear in Martin's dreams in the next few days.

Updates will be reported on this site as news develops.

Random Thoughts and Links

I don't really have a topic today, but I do have some random thoughts about some stuff:

- Steven Threet did the best with what his talent allowed him, but everyone knows he was not a good fit for the spread as RichRod likes to run it. The old style Michigan QB (a 6'-4" 230 lb "pro-style" QB) is a thing of the past. At best, Threet could have expected to start for a few games this coming season, but only until Forcier or Robinson got up to speed. He was a gamer, he played hurt, and despite his rather limited speed, he ran the ball when RichRod called for it. But in this offense, you have to either be a very good passer, a very good runner, or decent at both. He was not an accurate passer, and was too slow to make other teams respect the run. I still can't figure out how Wisco let him run 50 yards untouched near the end of that game. Anyway, I wish him well at his new school. He left without trashing the program, unlike some other ungrateful traitors *cough*Boren*cough*. Anyone out there who is reporting the Threet transfer as another nail in the Michigan coffin is way off base. Threet was a square peg who transferred into a situation where all the holes were square. When Carr resigned, the holes changed shape and became round, and the square Threet no longer fit. He recognized it and decided to move on. End of story.

- Delaware State? Really? Is that the best we could do to fill the schedule? Michigan's out-of-conference schedule is WMU, EMU, Delaware State, and Notre Dame. Ohio State has Navy, USC, Toledo, and New Mexico State. While that's not exactly a fantastic schedule, it's at least all Div. 1. Delaware State, unlike App State, is not even among the best teams in their conference (MEAC). In fact, they are not even the best team in Delaware. That distinction would go to Delaware University, which sports a familiar looking uniform. That would have been a novelty - having these two teams match up in the big house.

- Dear SI.com: you are making it very hard to read the articles about actual sports on your website. I visit the website, and Bar Refaeli is staring at me with that come hither look and those exquisite cans, barely restrained behind the minuscule amount of fabric that passes for a bathing suit. What is a fella to do? I'll tell you what I did. I went and took a gander at the bathing suits. Let me tell you, in case you had not noticed, Brooklyn Decker and Bar Refaeli are quite spongeworthy. How am I supposed to get any work done?

- "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" is one of the best shows on TV. Of course, being on FX, it's hard to find. Anyway, I just downloaded seasons 1-4 and it is absolutely hilarious. Each of the main characters is such a scumbag in his own way that it's almost endearing. It's like watching South Park, but each character is like Eric Cartman. They are completely devoid of any positive character traits. I have begun watching episodes on my Zune on the bus to and from work. Have I mentioned that I love my Zune? Well, I do.

- Buffalo is in the news again. What the hell? A beheading? If reminds me of my time in Trinidad. When I was there back in 1998, I started hearing about people being hacked to death. I thought it might be some sort of a Trini slang term, but it was just what it sounded like - people using machetes to kill people. Sheesh.

- Michael Phelps should get his own bong and smoke whatever he wants in the privacy of his own home, not in public, where practically everyone on earth has a camera phone. I think 8 gold medals is enough to earn him some time to relax. Whatever cretin took that photo and sold it to the British tabloid that published it should definitely watch his back, because Michael Phelps is a pretty big guy and is in pretty good shape and could probably severely punish you for doing what you did. Asshole.

Fun with Names - Super Bowl Edition

Previously I had a good time poking fun at some unusual names in the SEC and the Big Ten, and even the Summer Olympics. It's Super Bowl time, and it's time to make fun of more names. The usual disclaimers apply, and these are meant for entertainment purposes only - even if they are only for my own entertainment...

Arizona Cardinals

- Calais Campbell - "You know what will make us sound sophisticated? Naming our kid after a French town. Paris? Nah, that's overused. How about Calais."
- Karlos Dansby - "Carlos" is just too pedestrian. How about "Karlos?" Ooooh, that's edgy.
- Early Doucet - He has a sister named Timely, and a brother named Tulate.

- Jerheme Urban - Odd spelling for the first name, and he might be the whitest looking man in the NFL.




Pittsburgh Steelers

- Orpheus Roye - Orpheus? Wasn't he in The Matrix. "You are the one, Neo."
- Marvel Smith - Short for Marvelous, I'm sure. And who wouldn't want their kid to be named Marvelous? Oh, you either?
- Limas Sweed - This one looks like an anagram to me. Sawed Limes? Sesame Wild? Sea Mildews? Ass Weed Mil?
- William Gay - You know how I know you're gay? It says "Gay" on your uniform!
- Willie Colon - You combine a Willie and a Colon, and that spells trouble. Hey-O!
- Mewelde Moore - His lesser known brothers are named Uwelde and Hewelde. Dad's name is Iwelde.
- Keyaron Fox - I think she's a sideline reporter on the Versus Network or something.
- Santonio Holmes - "Hey, why don't we name him after where he was conceived - the parking lot of the Alamodome in San Antonio? How about Alamodomelot? Too long? How about Santonio? All right, let's go with it."
- Jared Retkovsky - There's nothing particularly unusual about his name, but it should be noted that he was a furniture mover until he was signed in October to replace injured long snapper Greg Warren. From carrying a piano up to a third floor apartment, to jogging onto the field and throwing a ball between your legs eight times in a game: Upgrade!

Old Guy First Names
- Ralph Brown
- Bertrand Berry
- Clark Haggans
- Victor Hobson
- Lyle Sendlein
- Elliott Vallejo
- Gabe Watson
- Arnold Harrison
- Ike Taylor

Sounds like a fine group of fellows who get together every Tuesday night at the Senior Center for a game of dominoes or canasta: Ralph, Bert, Clark, Victor, Lyle, Elliott, Gabe, Arnie and Ike. Prune juices all around!

I'm sure I missed a few good ones. I am but one man. Leave more ideas in the comments if you'd like.

Inauguration Day Is Finally Here

In case you haven't heard about it, today is inauguration day. The constitution says that the new President is to be sworn in by noon today. There are so many thoughts going through my head about the significance of this day. I thought I would just start writing a "stream of consciousness" type of a post, with my various thoughts, as if anyone cares. Some of this is gonna sound sappy, but whatever. It's a historic day:

• - I have not seen so much national pride on display on a single day since 9-11-01. Obviously, the nation came together on 9-11 as a reaction to several despicable acts of cowardly terrorism, but today is much different. Today, it's because there is a genuine feeling of hope and brotherhood. Despite the fact that the global economy is in the crapper, Barack Obama obviously has the ability to inspire hope in people. Just look at the above picture of the National Mall in Washington, DC. Amazing. There are supposedly about 2 million people gathered on the Mall to witness this historic event.



• - Even the most cynical among us must acknowledge that Obama has a unique ability to inspire people of all types. It's telling that there people traveling from foreign countries to attend the historic inauguration festivities.



• - I acknowledge that the hope that Obama has inspired could partially be due to a feeling of desperation - a need to cling to something new and positive. Nevertheless, if desperation can lead to positive action, then I'm all for it. If desperation can lead to making the right decision, then embrace that desperation. If desperation can make you proud to be an American, gimme some of that desperation. I'm tired of being thought of as a smug, arrogant country due to the public image of our smug, arrogant President and Vice President. I want America to be great again, and not because we can lob bombs at people - but because people aspire to something more. I want to be a peacemaker, not a war-maker.



• - During the election, and since the election, I have been considering why people would vote for a black man for President when they would not in the past. In addition to Obama's aforementioned ability to inspire, I think it's also partially due to the fact that he seems to be someone who is very different from past black candidates (of which there was only one of significance - Jesse Jackson). Jesse was from the older generation that was closely tied to the civil rights movement, and many people still associated him with that movement. Many older white people were still suspicious of that era of what they considered "black militants." Obama was born in 1961, so while he grew up during the sixties, he was not a participant in any of what suspicious white people might call militant activities.



• - I can't remember what bands played at Bush's inaugural celebrations, but I'm guessing that the bands that are playing for Obama's inaugural parties are much better: Bruce Springsteen, Stevie Wonder, Usher, U2, James Taylor, Beyonce, will.i.am, etc.



• - We have finally broken from the pattern of electing an endless stream of old white guys to be president, despite the fact our country is one of the most multi-cultural and diverse in the world. What took us so long? It just took the right candidate. In fact, you could argue that Obama is the true picture of America. He's multi-ethnic (white mother, black father). He was raised by a divorced mother (around 50% of marriages end in divorce, according to some experts). He's admitted to using drugs in his younger years (like most of us, and unlike the last two Presidents, who danced around the subject).



• - Does anyone else think it's curious how Israel and the Palestinians took the opportunity to escalate the situation in Gaza during the time after the election, but before the inauguration? They knew that they could pretty much do whatever they wanted during Bush's "lame duck" time. Not that he would have necessarily done anything anyway, but it just seemed like a fortuitous bit of timing. And now Israel has said that they will be out of Gaza by the time Obama is inaugurated. Hmmm.



• - Despite the fawning coverage by the news media, not everyone is happy about the results of the election. Some of the quotes in that article are startling to me. Here's one that is particularly disturbing:
  
  "I don't want the federal government to give away our individual rights. I don't want them to take over our business. I don't want them to take over our religion."
  
  Are you kidding me? They are worried about the government giving away our individual rights after what Bush did with the Patriot Act? And this person somehow has gotten it into his head that the government will "take over our religion," despite the fact that Obama has never expressed any desire to do so, and the fact that the constitution expressly forbids it? You know - the First Amendment. Stuff like this just baffles me. I get the feeling that they're just worried about their guns.

• - For the first time in a long time, I feel obligated to capitalize the word "President." Take that for what it's worth.

So there you have it. My thoughts. Leave yours in the comments it you choose. Or you can grumble to yourself about what an idiot I am, or nod your head in agreement. Either way, in the immortal words of Grace Slick at Woodstock:

It's a New Dawn...

Michigan - The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Well, I figured it's time for a "year in review" post focused on the state of Michigan. Needless to say, it has not been a great year for the state (full disclosure: I used to live in Michigan, but now live in Texas). Let's have a look a the good, the bad, and the ugly.

The Good

College Football
The Wolverines obviously didn't have a good year, but three teams from the state got bowl invitations this year. WMU and CMU have already lost their bowl games, and MSU plays tomorrow. CMU, behind Rich Rodriguez protege Butch Jones, continues to have success in the MAC with Dan Lefevour at QB. In Kalamazoo, WMU coach Bill Cubit just signed a new 5-year extension after taking the Broncos to their second bowl game in four years. The Spartans continue their resurgence behind former Buckeye assistant Mark Dantonio, and will try to knock off the preseason number 1 team in the country, Georgia.

Medical Marijuana
In November, voters in Michigan approved a medical marijuana ballot measure. This is wonderful progress against the stigma of using whatever means necessary to help people with chronic illness and chronic pain deal with their maladies. It has proven medical value to relieve pain, nausea, and other symptoms caused by cancer, MS, AIDS and other diseases (or the drugs used to treat those diseases). If morphine and codeine, essentially medicinal forms of heroin, can be used to help alleviate pain and suffering, why not cannabis as well? As Peter Tosh says, "Legalize it, don't criticize it."

Calvin Johnson
Lions wide receiver Johnson was the only good thing in an otherwise dismal season. If he were playing on a team that had any semblance of an offense, he would have had well over 100 catches.

Red Wings
Oh yeah, the Red Wings won the Stanley Cup.

The Bad

Kwame Kilpatrick
The Mayor of Detroit finally bowed to pressure and resigned from office in September after years of scandal in his administration. Just look at that wikipedia page. There are eleven items under "controversies" and the majority of the article is related to them. I guess Kwame could fall under "good" since he's no longer the mayor, but his whole administration was in constant turmoil, so I'm filing it under "bad."

Michigan Football
After going to a bowl game for 33 consecutive years, Michigan slumped to a 3-9 record this year despite hiring a new coaching staff headed by Rich Rodriguez. The team was plagued by many problems, including the adjustment to the aforementioned new coaching staff, the installation of new offensive and defensive systems, the loss of ten of eleven starters on offense (including the top pick in the NFL draft and two other four year starters), way too many turnovers, and incompetent play at several positions - QB, Safety, Linebacker, O-Line. At this point, Michigan fans are divided in their feelings about the new administration. I am optimistic about the future of the program, as Coach Rodriguez has continued to recruit very good talent, and he is a proven winner in a BCS conference. But make no mistake about it - this was a very bad season. But at least the hoops team is ranked now.

The Ugly

The Detroit Lions
The Lions became the first team in NFL history to lose 16 games in a season. They were monumentally bad. They lost by an average score of 32-17. They lost only three of their games by less than a touchdown. Five different QBs took snaps during the season (Drew Henson had the distinction of being sacked more often than he threw a pass - three sacks, two pass attempts). They finished 30th in offense, and 32nd in defense. The defense intercepted four passes for the entire season. I could go on (and on and on...), but I think I'll just take a knee and head to the locker room. NOTE: The Lions were 4-0 in the preseason though.

The Detroit Tigers
Despite spending lavishly in the offseason, acquiring Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis, the Tigers sunk to last place in the AL Central - behind even the lowly Royals. They traded Pudge Rodriguez to the Yankees. Joel Zumaya got hurt again. Curtis Granderson was out for the first couple weeks of the year. They started 0-7 and never recovered.

The Economy
The unemployment rate in the state of Michigan in November was 9.6% - which is a 0.3% increase over the previous month, and a 2.2% increase over the previous year. The auto industry is begging Washington for a bailout. The big three are cutting production across the board. Chrysler is shutting down production at all of its North American plants for an entire month. The slowdown has affected all tiers of the supply chain as well. And that trickles down to all the people who provide goods and services to those people. Also, due to the mortgage crisis, Michigan is near the top in foreclosure rates. Like the section above about the Lions, I could probably go on, but I'll just take a knee again.

Keep your chin up, Michigan - 2009 has to be better, right?