Fun with Names - Super Bowl Edition

Previously I had a good time poking fun at some unusual names in the SEC and the Big Ten, and even the Summer Olympics. It's Super Bowl time, and it's time to make fun of more names. The usual disclaimers apply, and these are meant for entertainment purposes only - even if they are only for my own entertainment...

Arizona Cardinals

- Calais Campbell - "You know what will make us sound sophisticated? Naming our kid after a French town. Paris? Nah, that's overused. How about Calais."
- Karlos Dansby - "Carlos" is just too pedestrian. How about "Karlos?" Ooooh, that's edgy.
- Early Doucet - He has a sister named Timely, and a brother named Tulate.

- Jerheme Urban - Odd spelling for the first name, and he might be the whitest looking man in the NFL.




Pittsburgh Steelers

- Orpheus Roye - Orpheus? Wasn't he in The Matrix. "You are the one, Neo."
- Marvel Smith - Short for Marvelous, I'm sure. And who wouldn't want their kid to be named Marvelous? Oh, you either?
- Limas Sweed - This one looks like an anagram to me. Sawed Limes? Sesame Wild? Sea Mildews? Ass Weed Mil?
- William Gay - You know how I know you're gay? It says "Gay" on your uniform!
- Willie Colon - You combine a Willie and a Colon, and that spells trouble. Hey-O!
- Mewelde Moore - His lesser known brothers are named Uwelde and Hewelde. Dad's name is Iwelde.
- Keyaron Fox - I think she's a sideline reporter on the Versus Network or something.
- Santonio Holmes - "Hey, why don't we name him after where he was conceived - the parking lot of the Alamodome in San Antonio? How about Alamodomelot? Too long? How about Santonio? All right, let's go with it."
- Jared Retkovsky - There's nothing particularly unusual about his name, but it should be noted that he was a furniture mover until he was signed in October to replace injured long snapper Greg Warren. From carrying a piano up to a third floor apartment, to jogging onto the field and throwing a ball between your legs eight times in a game: Upgrade!

Old Guy First Names
- Ralph Brown
- Bertrand Berry
- Clark Haggans
- Victor Hobson
- Lyle Sendlein
- Elliott Vallejo
- Gabe Watson
- Arnold Harrison
- Ike Taylor

Sounds like a fine group of fellows who get together every Tuesday night at the Senior Center for a game of dominoes or canasta: Ralph, Bert, Clark, Victor, Lyle, Elliott, Gabe, Arnie and Ike. Prune juices all around!

I'm sure I missed a few good ones. I am but one man. Leave more ideas in the comments if you'd like.

Tropical Storms and Super Bowls

Tropical Storm Edouard crawls toward Texas

The Assman lives in the Houston area, and Tuesday the big news was Tropical Storm Edouard. It was supposed to hit Galveston and then tear across Houston and destroy property and create havoc. Many businesses downtown (including my employer) told their employees to stay home, just to be safe. You may have read about the storm, but it turned out to be largely unimpressive. We live west of Houston and we got about three inches of rain, but no wind. It was not really any different from a normal spring or summer storm. But what struck me about the storm was the intense media coverage. As you might expect, there was wall-to-wall coverage on all local networks (there's nothing else on daytime TV anyway). All the networks had reporters stationed throughout the area, undoubtedly hoping for some horrific footage and spectacular visuals. Tuesday, however, the field reports were quite lame.

It was not too dissimilar to coverage of the Super Bowl. It can be divided into three categories:

1. Before the storm (The Pre-Game Show)
While waiting for the storm to make landfall, the reporters were standing by at various gulf coast locations. Reporters told us that it was getting windy, but you couldn't really tell until they showed the bushes moving. "Steve, the wind is starting to pick up a bit, and if the cameraman will pan over here you'll be able to see the leaves on this small bush start to move. See that? Now, if you'll pan to the harbor you can see the waves have started to pick up as well. See how the surface is moving? Our wind gauge is now showing about 20 mile-per-hour wind gusts." Granted, a lot of Houston area residents were concerned about the storm, but the constant "pre-game" stuff was unnecessary. The weathermen in the studio with their fancy radar, mega-doppler, and what-have-you was very informative. The on-site reporters? Not so much.

Similarly, the the Super Bowl pre-game shows tell us all what they think is gonna happen, but like the weathermen, they are usually wrong. In addition to telling us what's going to happen during the game, the pre-game team, led by several on-field reporters live from inside and outside the stadium, will tell us what the current mood is: "Well Joe, the mood during warm-ups was quite loose. The defense really was intense and focused," or "The Giants just got off the bus." Like the on-site weather dudes, these guys generally provide no insight. Like the pre-game show for the storm, the football pre-game show is full of hype and hyperbole, and does not really add anything to your enjoyment of the game. They have to throw in the occasional Erin Andrews interview to keep things interesting.

2. During the storm (The Game)
After the storm made landfall, the networks were looking for their money shot. Shots of reporters being pelted with rain drops are not so dramatic when the winds are only 40 mph, as opposed to the hurricane footage where reporters are struggling to stand against the 120 mph winds. The best we got from Tuesday's storm was something like, "Steve, the raindrops are falling diagonally from the sky, and the drops are actually stinging my face." Whoop-de-damn-doo. Just as much information could be gathered by showing footage from the various traffic cameras that are positioned throughout the area.

This is the only important part of the Super Bowl experience - the game itself. Just like with the weather reporting during the storm, what happens in-game is what the audience is looking for - the money shot, if you will. For the storm, it's flying debris, reports of heavy damage, and pictures sent in from camera phones. For the football game, it's hard hits, a beautiful spiral nestling into the arms of a receiver in the back of the end zone, a great block by a pulling guard, gratuitous upskirt shots of cheerleaders, finding the hottest chicks in the crowd, showing the stars of the new Fox sitcom sitting together in the stands.

3. After the storm (The Post-Game Show)
After the storm had mostly passed through the area, the "post-game show" began. Where is there flooding? Who's lost power? How much rain fell. How injured are the on-site reporters? How does it rank with previous storms? And the inane cell phone calls from ordinary citizens. Yesterday's storm, being rather lame, did not yield too many breathless calls from local residents fearing for their lives.

Much like the weather post-game show shows the aftermath of the storm, the football post-game show shows the aftermath of the game: highlights, stats, injury reports, on-site retrospectives/recaps. Usually, they both have the same ultimate result: disappointment. The storm and the Super Bowl rarely live up to the pregame hype. Every storm is going to cause MAJOR DAMAGE, and every Super Bowl is going to be the BEST EVER.

Super Bowl - Fun with Photos

Okay, it's more "fun with photos." These are all "official" team photos. They are from the nfl.com website. I looked thru the photos of all the players on both Super Bowl teams, and found the most interesting ones. So, without further ado, here are my snide remarks about the more remarkable photos:

Smallest head - Dominic Hixon (WR - Giants)
Do they have helmets that small, or do they have to order special.





QB Who Looks Most Like a Lineman - Jared Lorenzen (QB - Giants)
Do they have helmets that big or do they have to order special? He reminds me of David Putty from Seinfeld. "Gotta support the team."




Looks most like a hipster - Kawika Mitchell (LB - Giants)
He looks like he should be ironically drinking a Pabst Blue Ribbon while ironically wearing a Members Only jacket while ironically listening to Hall & Oates and talking about how ironically awesome that "Walker: Texas Ranger" is. Unironically, he's probably a douchebag.








Dreads - Lawrence Maroney (RB), Brandon Meriweather (S), Asante Samuel (CB), Donte Stallworth (WR)
Get up stand up, stand up for your rights. I can only guess that Tom Coughlin does not allow dreads on his players, as all the Giants seem to be neatly shorn.


Looks Like He Just Woke Up - Nick Kaczur (OL - Pats)
"Dude, where's my car? Whaddaya mean, today's picture day?"





Most Pissed Off - Kevin Dockery (CB - Giants), Vince Wilfork (DL - Pats)
I don't want to piss them off more. Let's just say they look mad and move on...



Best Grill - Mike Jennings (WR - Giants)
"Rollin down the street, smokin' indo, sippin on Gin and Juice, laid back - with my mind on my money and my money on my mind."




Gayest Photo - Michael Strahan - (DL - Giants)
Look at that pose. it reminds me of the photo that Deb took of Uncle Rico in Napoleon Dynamite. All the other photos are straight on, look at the camera type photos, but Strahan decided to gay his up a bit. "Okay, now tilt your head a bit - perfect."



Crookedest Head - David Thomas (TE - Pats)
What the hell happened to this guy? His eyes are crooked, his head is assymetrical, his mouth is off-center. What a mess.




Happiest to Be Here - Larry Izzo (LB - Pats)
"Woo-hoo, when does practice start? You guys wanna go out later? Can I have a ride? Okay then, I'll meet you there? Hey, where are you guys going? Wait up!"

Super Bowl - Jeff Feagles

Football is clearly a young man's game. The average length of a career in the NFL is three and a half years. That's right - 3-1/2 years. So basically, your chosen career is over before you hit your late twenties - and that's if you are an average player. Clearly Jeff Feagles is above average. He is playing in his 20th NFL season. Of course, the main reason for this is that he is a punter. Even so, he has been at it for a long time. He has played for five teams in his career after playing at Miami and winning a national championship in 1987. This week, he'll be punting for the Giants in Super Bowl XLII - and he'll be doing it near his hometown, Phoenix.

Feagles was born March 7, 1966. He is almost as old as I am. Like me, he graduated from college in 1988. Due to his longevity, he holds just about every punting record in the NFL, including most punts and punting yardage. He is also a skilled negotiator. For most of his career, he wore number 10. When the Giants traded for Eli Manning on draft day in 2004, he agreed to let Eli have number 10 in exchange for Manning funding the Feagles family vacation. So he switched to number 17. When the Giants signed Plaxico Burress as a free agent the following year, he agreed to let Plax have 17 in exchange for a new outdoor barbecue addition to his house. He now wears 18. Well played. Here are some of his more obscure stats from his career:

• He's made a total of 7 tackles in his career. He did not make a single tackle until 2002, his 15th season. I think I found the key to his longevity.
• He's 0-for-8 passing in his career. His career passer rating of 39.6 is only slightly lower than Ryan Leaf's (50.0).
• He's lost three fumbles in his career, but he's recovered five fumbles. He's +2!
• Career rushing stats - 18 carries for -3 yards. He had a 12 yard gain for a first down in 1994.
• He holds the NFL record for consecutive games played, although it's a bit easier to punt for 320 games in a row rather than do what Jim Marshall did - play defensive tackle for 282 consecutive games.

Anyway, why would I write a post about a player that I have no previous connection to, and who plays the least demanding position on the field? Because he is my age and he's still playing professional football. Good on you, Jeff.

Super Bowl - Worst QB Performances

In honor of Super Bowl week, I thought I'd start out with a list of the worst QB performances in the history of the big game. After minutes of exhaustive research, I was able to come up with seven really atrocious games, but there were others that just missed the cut.

1. SB XX (Bears 46, Pats 10) - Tony Eason 0-6, 0 yds, 3 sacks
Eason was shell shocked by the Bears' intimidating defense (note the four Bears defenders on top of him in the picture above). He did not even make it to halftime. He remains the only starting QB in Super Bowl history to fail to complete a pass in the big game. In fairness, that Bears' defense may have been the best ever. Eason probably would have been stomped by a team full of mini-Ditkas too. Reportedly, Eason still wakes up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat with visions of Richard Dent and Dan Hampton rushing at him like they're starving lions and he's a limping baby zebra. He was treated at the Bethesda Naval Hospital for post-traumatic stress disorder, and is not allowed by his doctors to watch any football ever, for fear he'll have flashbacks and poop all over himself again.

2. SB XII (Cowboys 27, Broncos 10) - Craig Morton 4-15, 4 INT, 39 yards
Morton was totally outplayed by his former Dallas protege Roger Staubach. It got so bad that he was replaced by backup QB Norris Weese, who guided the Broncos to their lone TD of the game after the Cowboys went ahead 20-3. Morton is the only QB on this list twice. Sorry Craig, it's nothing personal. Uninterestingly enough, Craig Morton is a native of Flint, MI ("Flintian?").

3. SB XXXVII (Buccaneers 48, Raiders 21) - Rich Gannon 24-44, 5 INT
The attempts and completions don't look too terrible, but Gannon threw 5 INTs, and three of those were returned for Tampa touchdowns. Raiders coach Bill Callahan apparently did not feel that it was necessary to change their signals or plays or formations, despite the fact that Jon Gruden, the Bucs head coach, had been the Raiders head coach the previous season. Buccaneer defenders were quoted as saying they knew what each play was going to be before the snap. Not coincidentally, Bill Callahan is currently unemployed after taking the once glorious football program of the Nebraska Cornhuskers and turning it into something resembling Iowa State.

4. SB XVII (Skins 27,Phins 17) - David Woodley 4-14, 1 INT, 97 yards
Okay, granted the Skins offense kept the ball for over 36 minutes behind John Riggins. But Woodley was brutal. The Dolphins opened the scoring with a 76 yard TD pass from Woodley to Jimmy Cefalo, but after that they were shut down. Their other TD came on a kickoff return (Fulton Walker, woohoo). If you take away that long scoring pass, Woodley was 3-for-13 for 24 yards. He was replaced late in the game by Don Strock, who was 0-for-3 himself. On the bright side for Dolphins fans, Dan Marino was drafted the following year. On the not-so-bright-side, he couldn't manage to win a Super Bowl either.

5. SB IX (Steelers 16, Vikings 6) - Fran Tarkenton 11-26, 3 INT, 102 yards
Much like some of the others on this list, Fran was facing an awesome defense. The Steel Curtain only gave up 9 first downs for the game, and a total of 119 total yards. The Vikings only TD was a blocked punt recovered in the end zone - and they couldn't even manage to make the PAT. Fran had a miserable day, throwing 3 INTs and netting only 102 yards, as well as being tackled in the end zone for a safety for the first points of the game. The Steelers offense had the ball for over 38 minutes, behind MVP Franco Harris' 158 yards rushing. Tarkenton later went on to co-host "That's Incredible," which, after Super Bowl IX, was probably the second most embarrassing thing to happen to him (on TV).

6. SB V (Colts 16, Cowboys 13) - Craig Morton 12-26, 3 INT, 127 yards
Here's Morton again. I was a youngster when this was played, and it's a good thing I don't remember it. Based on looking at the box score and accounts of the game, it was a very sloppy contest. So sloppy, in fact, that at linebacker for the losing team was awarded the MVP (Chuck Howley). Despite Morton's crappiness, the Cowboys were still leading halfway thru the fourth quarter. But he threw two fourth quarter INTs that the Colts turned into the winning points. Fortunately for the Colts, their QBs (Unitas and Morrall) sucked a little less (combined 10-24, 3 INT, 235 yards).

7. SB III (Jets 16, Colts 7) - Johnny Unitas 11-24 1 INT / Earl Morrall 6-17 3 INT
The Colts were favored by 19 points in this game. Joe Namath famously guaranteed a Jets victory anyway. The QB play was the difference in this game. Namath played turnover-free football, and Unitas and Morrall stunk up the Orange Bowl. Morrall started and threw 3 INTs in the first half. Unitas came on in relief in the second half and led the Colts to their only TD late in the fourth quarter, but it was too late. This game was the catalyst for Joe Namath becoming the most overrated QB of all time.

In conclusion, some very good QBs had some very bad games at the very worst times against some very good defenses.

Tom Brady's Injury

Tom Brady's fake injury stunt has left me wanting more. A fake ankle injury? Why stop there? Why not be seen in public every day from now until the Super Bowl with a different fake injury, with the injury getting progressively worse each day? Starting tomorrow, here are my suggestions:

• Thursday, Jan. 24 - a band-aid on his chin


• Friday, Jan 25 - an eye patch





• Saturday, Jan. 26 - a wrist brace on his non-throwing hand


• Sunday, Jan 27 - a big obvious knee brace over the pants


• Monday, Jan 28 - a white gauze bandage around his entire head, with a bloody spot near one temple


• Tuesday, Jan 29 - his throwing arm in a sling


• Wednesday, Jan 30 - a vestigial parasitic twin attached to the side of his head




• Thursday, Jan 31 - a fake spear thru his chest


• Friday, Feb. 1 - neck brace with halo





• Saturday, Feb. 2 - undisclosed injury, being pushed around in wheelchair by cranky uncooperative nurse (think Nurse Ratched without the compassion) to fend off aggressive photogs

I think this would be a great way to ease the tension before the big game and break up the tedium of the two week layoff. Plus, it would be hilarious. Please leave your own suggestions in the comments.

Super Bowl

I had a couple thoughts when I saw this photo on espn.com this morning:

• First of all, the walking boot he's wearing on his right foot is all part of Belichick's plan. He's not hurt, but the coach is playing with the Giants' heads. You think it's a coincidence that this photo was snapped in NYC?
• That small bouquet of flowers is the best you can do on a $8 million salary? For your supermodel girlfriend? Really? She is accustomed to flying all over the world to exotic locations for glamorous photo shoots and this little $25 bouquet is all you got? If he wants to make good use of the two weeks before the Super Bowl, he really should start it off with a little more flash and pizazz. For his sake, I'm hoping that the bag in his right hand contains some more interesting - no, make that mind-blowing - items, and that he does not leave Gisele's apartment until early next week. Contrary to popular belief, laughter is not in fact the best medicine. Sex with a supermodel is the best medicine. I think I read that somewhere.