Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Golf Outings - Revisited

Well, once again our yearly golf trip up north was a rousing success and just about everyone involved had a great time. We even had a near hole-in-one. However, there are many mysteries that become apparent when you get home to your wife and kids. Each and every one of us at this year's golf outing probably faced similar questions upon their return home from the idyllic setting of a Northern Michigan summer. How is John's wife? How old are their kids? What does Dave do for a living? How's Scott's dad? Does Steve still work for Company X? How do they like their new house? What's his wife's name? How is Kraig doing without a spleen? How could you spend four hours on a golf cart with the guy and not know what he does for a living? Don't you guys ever talk?

So, in order to head off the intense cross-examination of the womenfolk after a long golf weekend, I propose that we fill out a questionnaire prior to next year's outing (and really, this could apply to hunting trips, fishing trips, poker nights, etc.) that answers all questions that the wives might have regarding our friends in the golf outing:

Graduating class year:
College degrees (and grad schools attended):
Spouse's name (if applicable):
Nickname in college, with explanation (if necessary):
Current city of residence (state if this is a new location or old one):
Current occupation (state if this is a new employer or an old employer):
Number of kids, with names and ages:
Recent significant accomplishments of kids:
Any recent health scares:
Any recent deaths in family:
Family vacations taken recently:
Family vacations planned in the near future:

Now that we've got that out of the way, as a public service, I've put together some acceptable topics of conversation on golf outings with other dudes:

- The hot beer cart girl, and what you'd like to do to her
- The ugly beer cart girl, and what's she'd probably like to do to you
- The frequency of your golfing activities
- Which of "the old gang" you run into or e-mail on a regular basis
- How much you suck at golf
- How lame Ted is
- Ted's mom
- Caddyshack
- Sexual conquests from the past
- How much better your kids are than their kids
- Sports of any kind
- Beer or hard liquor (and who needs a refill)
- Which way a putt breaks
- Which club you are using

And here are some unacceptable topics of conversation on golf outings with other dudes:
- The cart girl is about the same age as your daughter
- How much you love your wife, even if you do
- What type of product you prefer to use in your hair
- Religion
- How pissed off you are that a certain friend did not hire your firm to represent his client in a civil case
- In general, work related stuff is bad, but it's okay if it ends with something funny
- Wine (that's right, wine snobs - I'm looking at you)
- How you (or your team) are not getting enough strokes ("Who made up these handicaps? There's no way I'm a 15. I shot 105 last time I played.")
- Caddyshack II
- How cool it would be to get a hole-in-one (just like a pitcher who is pitching a no-hitter - you don't talk about it and jinx it)

I was a little disappointed in the general skepticism that many of the guys (100% Michigan alumni) showed regarding the RichRod era. Personally, as I have stated previously on this blog, I am excited and intrigued by the new coaching staff. I was not one of the guys calling for Lloyd's head, but I am genuinely optimistic about this season. Michigan is nowhere in the rankings, and teams may start out taking them lightly - at their own peril. The main strength of the spread offense is it's versatility. It exploits matchups. If the 6'5" TE is lined up against a 5'9" DB, you throw it to him. If the FB is in the flat against a smallish CB, toss the ball his way and let him mow the guy down like a road grader. If the DL is spread across the field, run thru the gaps. If the fancy-pants new offense does not get it done for some reason (the inexperienced offensive line is my biggest concern), the defense should be good enough to keep the Wolverines in most games.

Anyway, more in-depth analysis may come in a couple weeks, but for now, I'm still sticking with 9-3 as my prediction.

Please add more ideas for the questionnaire in the comments. I have almost a full year to come up with something for next year's outing...


Brandman said...

Nicely done!

A blast as usual, I assume.

Great blog post too, and so true.

Since you turned into a discussion about Michigan football, I'll take that bait. I think we're going to be a very formidable team. This is college football, not professional. Think about how each year new players have to come in and get used to playing in big-time game situations. Any team that has lost a significant amount of starters has to re-load. I don't believe that just because there's a new coaching staff that all bets are off. I think Rodriguez will have the team ready to play.

And did you hear his quote from the Big 10 media day? Over/under at number of players who touch the ball as QB this season: 20!

I love it. Keep 'em guessing and that's practically a guaranteed victory over two thirds of the teams in the Big 10 this year.

Plus, never underestimate the Barwis factor. We will be without doubt the best conditioned team in the Big 10 and likely the whole country.

Go Blue!!!

Anonymous said...

Well Assman, I know I'm probably not a typical wife, but those wife questions don't sound anything like mine. Mine tned to be more like this:
Were beer and bananas used in the same game?
Did Elvis nearly make an appearance?
Do we need new carpet?
Was fire involved in any way?
How many photos do you have of Ted's nipples?
Why are men obsessed with nipples of all kinds?
When are you going to take back the $73 in returnables that are in the garage?

Not a complete list, but it's a good start.