Thursday, March 13, 2008

Mary Ann and Mary Jane

Well, it all makes sense now. Dawn Wells, who portrayed Mary Ann Summers on the TV series Gilligan's Island, was just recently busted for possession of marijuana. In 1998, Bob Denver, who of course played Gilligan on the same show, was busted for having a parcel of weed sent to his house. He originally said that the package came from none other than Dawn Wells, but did not end up naming her in court. Instead, he blamed it on "some crazy fan." So Denver's original claim about who sent him the package seems like it might have been true.

I like to imagine that both Gilligan and Mary Ann were partaking while on the island. That would explain some of Gilligan's bumbling and forgetfulness. And Mary Ann, being from Kansas, was familiar with farming techniques, so she could have easily had a little garden somewhere over near the lagoon. What would each of the castaways have been using, if they had access to drugs:

The Skipper (Jonas Grumby)
Speed. Just like a truck driver, he would have had to stay alert and awake thru long trips. Sure, it was only a three hour tour, but the luau he attended the previous night went well into the wee hours of the morning. Plus, he couldn't really count on his first mate to do any work, since Gilligan was always sneaking around with his one-hitter below deck. His stash obviously ran out on the island, or he would have lost some weight. He ended up sharing Ginger's cocaine.

Ginger Grant
Cocaine. As a Hollywood starlet, she would have chosen coke. It's just a natural fit. It kept her slim, and she needed the energy while on the island to re-make all of her fabulous gowns from seaweed, fish parts, and sand. Mary Ann's farming expertise helped her grow coca plants in a plot near the cannabis.

The Professor (Roy Hinkley)
This is a tough one, since the professor seems to be so straight laced. But since he was so well versed in chemistry and could somehow manage to make batteries out of seaweed and coconuts, I think the professor would have synthesized his own drug from extracts of the various flora and fauna on the island. It would have been a killer party drug, but mostly he would have laid on the beach and stared at the stars. He was the Owsley of the island.

Thurston Howell III
Mr. Howell would have been an opium smoker. He commissioned the professor to make him a giant hookah out of pieces of the SS Minnow, seashells, and bamboo.

Eunice "Lovey" Wentworth Howell
Prescription drugs - probably oxycontin, Xanax, qualudes, and HGH. Their trunk of cash also included a nice stash of pills concealed in a false bottom. In fact, it's entirely possible that the Howells were on the run from a federal drug investigation. They drugged everyone on the SS Minnow to the point of unconsciousness, then steered the boat onto a reef and beached it on an island that they bought from a arab sultan. When everyone awoke from their hazy stupor, the Howells made up the story about the "storm." That would partially explain the large trunk filled with cash.

And last but not least, I think it's worth a mention that my mother went to Stephens College in Missouri with Dawn Wells. And finally, the age-old question: Ginger or Mary Ann? I say Mary Ann.

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