The Masters Lookalikes, Volume 2

Well, it's that time of year again. April is an outstanding month for sports: MLB opening day, Final Four, NFL Draft, NCAA spring practice, and of course The Masters. I did this lookalike thing last year, and I enjoyed it, so let's have another go at it, shall we? I will not repeat any from last time, so if think of a good lookalike, check on the previous post and see if it was covered already:




Miguel Angel Jimenez - The Most Interesting Man In The World (Dos Equis TV commercials)

I think this one's more for his smoky voice and accent than it is for his actual looks. They both smoke cigars and travel the world. Stay thirsty, my friends...

Luke Donald - Soren Kjeldsen - actor Neil Patrick Harris
Could there be two golfers who look like Doogie Howser/Barney Stinson? Apparently there are at least two entered in The Masters this week. Each has a forehead that won't quit - more like a "five-head." Hey-o....





Larry Mize - UNC head coach Roy Williams
A former Masters champion, and a current NCAA champion...

Craig Stadler - a walrus

The main difference between these two - one has whiskers and a 6" thick layer of blubber to keep himself warm during the inactive winter months, and the other is a flippered marine mammal.

Soren Hansen - actor Paul Lieberstein (Toby Flenderson from "The Office")



Kevin Sutherland - actor Jack McBrayer (Kenneth from "30 Rock")
They both have an "aw shucks" quality.
"Gee Mr. Donaghy, I think you're the best boss ever."
"Gee Mr. Woods, you sure can putt real good?"




Carl Petterson - actor Larry Joe Campbell from "According to Jim"




Alvaro Quiros - actor Sacha Baron Cohen from "Borat"

Add your suggestions in the comments and I'll try to add as the day progresses.

Mind Games on The Golf Course

We have a big golf outing this weekend, and I thought I'd explore some interesting ways to mess with your golf partners and opponents. I'm not talking about obvious things like coughing in the middle of a backswing, or dropping your club on the green as your opponent is about to putt or yelling "miss it" or throwing things. I'm talking about subtler stuff (some are obviously more subtle than others). This can be done in the name of gambling or simply for the sake of annoyance. They don't always have their intended effect, but they're fun anyway (sorry for the use of the masculine pronoun "he," but it takes too much effort to type "he or she" and "they" just doesn't sound grammatically correct):

1. Come up with an arcane and complicated scoring system. This will throw any player off, as he is thinking about what each shot means to his overall score.
2. Concede putts early, not late. When the round is just getting started, give him the three footers. When you're on the back nine, make him putt them out. Either that, or just randomly decide which putts to concede, so when he approaches the putt, he'll never know whether or not you plan to say, "that's good."
3. Talk about how great his swing looks, and how he must have been taking lessons. This will lull him into feeling that he's good when in fact he sucks. Also, talk about how great he looked on the range and how everything he hit on the range was dead straight. "Hmm, I wonder why you're not hitting 'em like that now."
4. Fart loudly at inopportune moments. On the tee as he's about to hit. When he's standing over a putt. This is not always under your control, but it's useful. "Did somebody step on a duck?"
5. Stand in his field of view for all shots and make small quick movements. Stand right behind the hole while he's putting.
6. Park the golf cart uncomfortably close to his ball. When he asks you to move the cart, back it up and relocate it to a spot directly behind him.
7. Be a stickler for rules. Threaten to dole out penalty shots for violations, even though you have no intention of doing so - "Dude, you grounded your club in the sand trap. You know that's against the rules, right? Next time I'll have to penalize you." His next bunker shot is guaranteed to be a clunker.
8. Talk about how fast (or slow) the greens are today, right as he lines up a putt. "Man, did you see what happened on Steve's putt? The greens sure are quick today."
9. Mention the water hazard in front of him. "Dude, don't even think about the water. It's not even in play. Just put it on the green."
10. Copious amounts of alcohol are always helpful...
11. "Cut the hamstring on the back of his right leg, right at the bottom. He'll never play golf again - because his weight displacement goes back, and all his weight is on his right foot, and he'll push everything off to the right. He'll never come through on anything. He'll quit the game."

Okay, so the last one isn't so much of a "mind game," but it would work. Add your suggestions in the comments...

Greg Norman

Believe it or not, Greg Norman is leading the British Open. He's put up two rounds of even par 70, and is the only player in the field that is not over par. Obviously, there are still lots of players out on the course that have not completed their second round, but if this stands up and he is at or near the lead after today, he will be in position to become the oldest major winner ever. The previous oldest was not, as I thought it would be, Jack Nicklaus. Jack was a couple months past his 46th birthday when he won the Masters back in 1986. The oldest major winner was actually Julius Boros, who won the PGA championship in 1968 when he was 48 years old. Greg Norman is 53 years old, so winning here would shatter the old record by five years.

In his younger days, "The Shark" was always known as somewhat of a choker, and was also the victim of two of golf's most amazing major-winning shots (my boy Bob Tway holing out from the bunker in the 1986 PGA, and Larry Mize chipping in the 1987 Masters). In 1986, Norman held the lead in all four majors after the third round of play, but only managed to win the British Open. Norman is one of only two players to have competed in playoffs in all four major championships (the other is someone named Chris Wood, who also lost all of them). He doesn't even really play much anymore (he's only played in 3 Senior Tour events since he turned 50), but he just married Chris Evert, one of my first boyhood crushes (come on, admit it - compared to other female tennis players in her day, she was pretty hot). And she still looks pretty good.

Anyway, here's hoping that The Shark can hang on and make history. The Open has always been his favorite event, and the one in which he's had the greatest success (two wins). Perhaps with Ms. Evert in his corner, he won't choke it away this time. For someone with a fierce nickname like "The Shark," he's never been much of a killer.

UPDATE: John Daly is +14 for the day thru 14 holes. He took a nine on the par 4 13th hole. Ouch. I can't wait to see the highlights of that one on the golf channel tonight.

UPDATE: Daly finished with an 89 today. He shot a 49 on the back nine. Holy crap. Worst round of the championship by four shots. At least he finished his round.

The British Open

Last year's British Open (or "The Open Championship," as Brits smugly refer to it) was like most other British Opens. It featured unlikely leaders, odd bounces, and strange occurances. This year's Open begins tomorrow, and here are my predictions for this week at Royal Birkdale (in case you have not heard, Tiger will not be there):

1. The first round leader will finish ten shots behind the winner and will be an unheralded European Tour or Asian Tour journeyman (Peter Baker, Nick Dougherty, Hideto Tanihara, etc.).
2. Someone unexpected will win. Past winners include Ben Curtis, Todd Hamilton, and Paul Lawrie - and that's just in the last ten years. The Open always has lots of names that we Americans have not heard of because the participants come from all over the world, not just the US PGA tour (Hennie Otto? Who the hell is that?).
3. Ernie Els will finish in the top 5. He's finished fourth or better in six of the past eight years.
4. John Daly will shoot at least one round of 78 or higher (par is 70 this week).
5. John Daly and Angel Cabrera will smoke four packs of cigs between them in the first round.

You didn't expect me to pick a winner without Tiger in the field, did you? Fine. I'll pick Boo Weekley. Happy now?

Fun with Names
In looking thru the names in the field, I thought it might be mildly interesting to come up with some pairings that the BBC announcers, with their dry Brit humour, could have some fun with:

The Adverb Group - Daly, Weekley, and Baddeley
"Daly struck that putt weakly and it turned out very badly."
"Baddeley and Weekley have been working out daily in preparation for The Open."

The Weather Group - Blizard, Storm, and Frost
"Storm has played well, but Blizard has been blinding."
"Frost has icewater in his veins."

The Fruit Group - Appleby and Appleyard
"Wow, that shot by Appleby was delicious."
"Appleyard's shot did not fall far from the tree."

The Barnyard Group - Horsey, and Lamb
"Horsey has a long face after that tragic treble bogey."
"Lamb's got to start cooking if he's going to make the cut."
"That was a baaaaaad putt by Lamb."
"Horsey took a run at the tricky 20-footer, but the golfing gods said 'nay'."

Fun with Photos
With apologies to the "men who look like old lesbians" website, these photos from the Open Championship website appear like they could be interchangeable with some pictures of LPGA golfers:

And this guy has the goofiest photo in the bunch - he looks like he's about 12 years old.



And last but not least, there is a golfer in the field by the name of David Smail. If I had a dollar for every time this line will be uttered in his proximity this week, I think I'd be a fairly rich man.

"Fifty bucks the Smail kid picks his nose."

Enjoy the tournament this weekend.

Go Boo!

U.S. Open Preview

I hate to say it*, but this U.S. Open is Phil Mickelson's to lose. He'll never have a better chance to beat Tiger Woods, who's operating with one bad wheel and is bound to be a bit rusty after two months away from competitive golf. And for the first two rounds, he'll be playing head-to-head with Tiger in the same group. If he's ever going to stand up and stare into the eyes of Tiger and beat him, this is as good a chance as he's going to get. Although Phil has won three majors, he has yet to shake the label of being a choker in big tournaments. He has finished second in the US Open four times, and twice he double-bogeyed late to lose the Open (2004 and 2006). This is his chance to finally shed that label and bring home the hardware and and $1+ million winner's check.

TRIVIA: Not only have the last four winners of the U.S. Open have been foreigners (Goosen, Campbell, Ogilvy, Cabrera), but they are all from the southern hemisphere. I have no idea what that signifies.

NOTE: To review my "Masters Lookalikes" post from a couple months ago, click here.

* If you think this is an attempt at a "reverse jinx" in an effort to provide karma for Tiger to win, you are correct. I'd love to see Tiger win. The first five words of this post are not true. I do not hate to say it. When I say it's his to lose, that's exactly what I expect Phil to do - lose.

Golf Outings for Dummies

Charles Barkley is #5 and #8, and maybe #12. Where do you fit in?

Summertime is, of course, a great time for golf. There are casual rounds with friends, company outings, group outings, etc. Often, these outings use the scramble format. Sometimes you know the people you're playing with, and sometimes you get stuck with some interesting characters. We have a fraternity golf outing coming up, and I got to thinking how many different types of guys you could have in your scramble foursome. Do you have an outing coming up? If so, you might find some of these people in your group.

1. The Ultra Serious Golfer
This guy is always talking strategy for the foursome. He may or may not be a good golfer, but he thinks he's smarter than everyone by suggesting that "on this hole, we should try to bomb one out there." Thanks for the advice, Gary McCord. He's obsessed with winning. Even when the team is two over after 16 holes, he insists that we still stick to "our strategy," which is actually "his strategy." Usually an insufferable prick.

2. The Guy Who Thinks He's Good, But He's Not
This guy is always insisting that he go last because he's an "A player." His handicap card, which he takes out of his wallet and shows you three times during the round, says that he's an 8, but his scattershot drives tell you otherwise. He routinely turns in bogus scores so he can brag about his handicap. He's got the best equipment and latest technology (laser range finder, training aids, practice putting rig).

3. Drunk Guy
This guy is most likely not a good golfer. His main goal is to find the beer cart girl, and he will buy a dozen beers at a time when she does eventually show up. He might be useful for the front nine, but by the back nine he's a drooling, slurring mess who can't even manage to tell if he's using a 6 iron or a 9 iron. Usually a fun guy to have on your team unless he's a depressing or violent drunk. Usually buys beer for everyone, but drinks most of it himself. Also, most likely to dive into the lake on the 18th hole to retrieve a club thrown in frustration.

4. The Guy Who Plays Once a Year
This guy only gets out to play when there is an occasion - a supplier freebie, a round with the in-laws, charity scramble. He's just happy to hit a good shot every once in a while, and is usually one of the more interesting guy to play with because he doesn't spend all his time playing golf. Usually plays in tennis shoes and either inappropriately long cargo shorts with lots of pockets, or blue jeans. Sometimes plays with rental clubs, or clubs that were manufactured in the 70s (such as "Golden Bear" or "MacGregor" or "Wilson" clubs). Uses predominantly x-out balls or range balls during his round, unless he finds some in the woods.

5. The Guy Who Looks Good, But Is Not
This guy belongs to a country club. He plays at least twice a week. He goes to the range every weekend. But he can't seem to get the handicap below a 25. He's taken lessons, but he always reverts back to that ungainly loopy swing with the hitch in it that he slices like a banana off the tee every other hole. He dresses impeccably, with his club logo golf shirt tucked into his Nike golf shorts, and wearing shoes that appear to have been polished at the club about an hour ago. He can shoot anything from 88 to 115.

6. The Guy Who Analyzes His Swing After He Gets In The Cart
This guy, after hitting a duck hook into the water for the third time on the front nine, gets in the cart and proceeds to analyze his swing for you. "I think I got caught behind that one and used too much hands. I think my club face was too open at the top and I over-rotated my hips. Maybe next time I'll try to come around quicker so my hands can catch up and I don't come over the top and turn it over." Or something like that. He read all the buzzwords in Golf Digest and has no idea what they mean. But he'll claim that he's been tinkering with his swing all day - and he'll explain that that's why he's been spraying shots into the woods. His swing looks exactly the same to you every time.

7. The Guy Who's Always Quoting Caddyshack
This guy, like most red blooded American men of a certain age, has seen Caddyshack approximately 500 times and knows every line. But this guy insists on using a Caddyshack quote at every opportunity: Cinderella Story, Right in The Lumber Yard, Billy Baroo, On your Deathbed You will Receive Total Consciousness, Big Hitter The Lama, It's a Hybrid, Free Bowl of Soup, License to Kill Gophers, Be The Ball, etc. There is nothing inherently wrong with Caddyshack quotes - in fact, everyone should use at least one per round. But using them constantly throughout a 5 hour round gets a little tiresome. So what? So let's dance...

8. The Gambling Guy
This guy, despite the fact that you are playing on the same scramble team, insists on trying to incorporate some sort of a gambling format so that he can have some "action." He's got his bookie on speed dial, and places several bets during the course of the round - partially because he's trying to impress his team members, and partially because he's simply a degenerate douchebag. Talks incessantly about sports and sporting events he has either won big on, or barely lost because of a last minute backdoor cover. NOTE: Speaking of The Gambling Guy, I would absolutely love to play golf with Charles Barkley. He would want to bet on everything, and he would lose just about every time. His swing is horrifying. You could walk away from a round with Charles with some serious spending money for the evening. And the best thing is, he'd take you out for a steak, and to the best strip joint in town after the round. And he'd probably still pay for everything.

9. The Humble Guy
This guy usually has a handicap of 5 or less. He doesn't brag about how good he is or point out how bad you are. He just hits his typically great shots and even helps out the lesser players with their deficiencies, but only if asked. He helps read putts. He usually is on the winning team because not only is he a good player, but he helps make the other players better.

10. The Cocky Guy
This guy also has a handicap of 5 or less, but he is constantly giving the other players unsolicited advice on their shots, thereby ruining their confidence. Has seven sets of golf clubs and a club assembly jig in his garage. Tells you several times throughout the round that your clubs are a half inch too short for you and that the loft and lie of your pitching wedge need to be adjusted. Also, tells you that he can make you some clubs that would better suit a high-handicapper like yourself. Because of his constant badgering, by the back nine you become "Drunk Guy." It's all you can do to keep from wrapping your 9-iron around his neck.

11. The Guy Who Can't Putt
No matter how much practice this guy gets in before the round, it takes him about 14 holes to figure out the speed of the greens. Every putt is either left four feet short or sails ten feet past the hole. When he does get the right speed, it's offline by 20 degrees. On the 17th hole, he'll drain a 30-footer for birdie. This guy is usually also The Guy Who Plays Once a Year.

12. The Guy With The Bad Temper
This guy gets very upset at missing any shot. Usually, after topping his fifth consecutive drive into the pond in front of the tee and using several curse words, he'll slam his club back into his bag and insist that he "was hitting everything perfect at the range" and that he can't fucking believe how fucking bad he's fucking playing. Shit. Then he'll get behind the wheel of the cart and stomp on the gas and give you whiplash.

13. The Bad Etiquette Guy
This guy does everything wrong. He'll drive the cart onto the tees and the greens. He'll walk right through the line of your putt. He'll leave the cart right in front of the green. He'll constantly talk on his phone throughout the round. He will fart in the middle of your backswing. He'll yell across three fairways to get the attention of the beer cart girl. He doesn't mean to do it. He just is oblivious. Might also be Guy Who Plays Once a Year or Drunk Guy.

14. The Fart Guy
This guy will fart audibly at least twice per hole. I don't think much more needs to be said about this guy. He could be, and has been, just about everyone who has ever played a round of golf after a night of drinking. If you don't know the guy you are playing with, and he's the Fart Guy, something very strange is afoot. This behavior is generally only accepted if the players in the foursome know each other. Fart Guy is differentiated from Bad Etiquette Guy in that he farts at appropriate times and not in the middle of your backswing. He'll fart in the middle of his own backswing, but not yours.

15. The Hungover Guy
This guy will spend the front nine barely able to speak and downing Gatorade like he's just spent a month in the desert. He'll puke in the bushes while you're waiting on the third tee. At the turn, he'll get a sandwich and take a crap - and he might turn out to be your best player on the back nine. Hungover Guy might also be Fart Guy.

16. The Complicated Scoring Guy
This guy wants to implement a scoring system so needlessly complex that none of the participants have any idea while they are playing whether they are scoring well or not. System usually involves much more math than is necessary. Person implementing this scoring system is typically a control freak who can't understand why no one can understand his "simple" system. "So you got a par there, but because it an even numbered hole, you get to take one off your score. But then you add one back to the total because you three putted. So it's still a par." What?

17. The Obnoxious Guy
This guy is obnoxious in every way. He rolls golf carts on steep inclines. He drops his pants in front of the beer cart girls. He hides the golf balls of groups following behind him. He hits into groups in front of him, just for fun. He jams the flagstick into the ground twenty yards off the green. He'll fart on purpose in the middle of your backswing. Obnoxious Guy is differentiated from Bad Etiquette Guy in that he knows the rules and chooses not to follow them.

I have either been or played with every single one of these people at one time or another. You could say that each of these Guys is based on a specific person but, in actuality, most people are probably a combination of two or more of these, depending on mood, alcohol consumption, playing partners, etc. I can say for sure that I have been at various times These Guys: 2, 3, 6, 7, 11, 12, 14, and 15. Add your suggestions in the comments, and/or lay claim to these identities yourself. Specific stories are welcome as well. If good ideas are submitted, I'll even add to the list.

Ace In The Hole

Jesus, not another one.

Blind Golfer, 85 Gets Ace

If I'm not mistaken, this is at least two blind golfers who have gotten a hole-in-one in the last year. There was this one last year. Then, after searching a bit more for "blind hole in one" I found this one. So there are at least three blind golfers that have one more hole-in-one than I do (talk about "blind luck"). I have seen the odds for making a hole-in-one. The vary from 1-in-12,750 to 1-in-45,000. Here is what Golf Digest has to say:

• Tour player making an ace: 3,000 to 1

• Low-handicapper making an ace: 5,000 to 1

• Average player making an ace: 12,000 to 1

Okay, I'm probably considered an average player. I have never scored a hole-in-one. If you assume 4 par three holes per round, the odds say that you should make a hole in one if you play 2667 rounds of golf. That's a lot of golf. If you play 50 rounds a year, that would take you fifty years. No wonder I don't have one.

Wait, what was my point again? Oh yeah, that all these blind SOBs are getting holes-in-one and I'm not. I don't like it one bit. I've got nothing against blind people. Heck, I might even be one myself eventually. But I would like to get a hole-in-one while I'm still able to enjoy it, not when I'm a blind 85 year old. I guess I should start playing more. Maybe the financial windfall from this highly lucrative blogging venture will allow me to quit my job and become a full-time blogger/hole-in-one-pursuer. However, at our current rate, this blog will earn me enough for a sleeve of Top Flite x-out balls and a box of naked lady tees.

I'm playing in a scramble this weekend, and I will let you guys know if I break my streak of consecutive holes without a hole-in-one. If I do, this is what I'll do.

The Masters Lookalikes

In honor of the Masters tournament, I humbly give to you some Masters participants, as well as their celebrity lookalikes. As always, your opinions may vary. If you think of an obvious one I missed, suggest it in the comments. If you disagree with any of these and have a better selection, by all means point it out.



Jose-Maria Olazabal - actor Jason Biggs

They definitely look like they could be related. Large nose, same hair. I wonder if Jose Maria has ever had relations with a pie?

Tiger Woods - Ruthie Alcaide from MTV's The Real World

The alcoholic-lesbian former Real World cast member looks like she could be his sister.



Ian Woosnam - actor/producer Ricky Gervais

Their both Brits. They're both short. However, I'd wager that Gervais is funnier, and Woosnam can drink more. I believe they both belong on this website.



Mark Calcevecchia - actor Mike Starr

I had no idea who Mike Starr was, but I thought of him in Dumb and Dumber when I saw Calc's photo. He was the guy in the car with them when Lloyd asked if he wanted to hear the most annoying sound in the world.



Bubba Watson - Mose from The Office and Lloyd Christmas from Dumb and Dumber

Mose is Dwight's cousin that lives with him on their beet farm. Has an awesome Abraham Lincoln neckbeard. Slap that neckbeard on Bubba, and you've got a match. Mose is played by one of the show's writers Michael Schur, who's also one of the guys responsible for this great website. EDITED TO ADD: Bubba's haircut is straight from the "Lloyd Christmas Hair Salon" except that it's crooked. Apparently the bowl was cocked when they started cutting his bangs.



Brandt Snedeker - Ron Howard (actor), Alfred E. Newman

Snedeker resembles the "Richie Cunningham"-era Ron Howard - pre-baldness. Unfortunately, I was unable to find a Fonzie or a Potsy in the Masters field. EDITED TO ADD: commenter suggested Alfred E. Newman. Beautiful...

Jim Furyk - Ron Howard (director), singer James Taylor

Furyk resembles the Director Ron Howard - post-baldness and normally wearing a hat. EDITED TO ADD: Commenter suggested James Taylor. Well done...

Charles Howell III - Thurston Howell III

The only resemblance is their names. Little known fact: Charles is Thurston's nephew, and is heir to the Howell fortune, since Thurston and Lovey were lost at sea. He has never been able to colllect his inheritance because they were never confirmed dead. I would love it if Charles were to wear an ascot out on the links.



Zach Johnson - actors Joaquin Phoenix, Chris O'Donnell

Defending Masters champ will try to Walk The Line this weekend and repeat as winner. EDITED TO ADD: From anonymous commenter - Chris O'Donnell. Nice call.




Sean O'Hair - The Wiz from Seinfeld

Sean O'Hair is The Wiz. And nobody beats him.



Nick Faldo - actor Harrison Ford

I added this one at the request of a commenter. Nice call. Although Faldo was not a participant, he is an announcer and former 3-time Masters champ, and that's close enough for me.



Stuart Appleby - Wisconsin Deity Brett Favre

Thanks to another anonymous commenter for the suggestion.



Bernhard Langer - singer and writer of songs Barry Manilow, Big Bird

Another commenter suggestion. Is the commenter implying that both Langer and Big Bird are gay, or that Langer and Manilow look like birds?




New Champ Trevor Immelman - baseball player Johnny Damon, Team America Dude

We've found our Immelman! It's Immelmania! Nicely done by commenter GMoney. EDITED TO ADD: Main character from Team America: World Police - thanks to commenter Freezelle for the perfect match. I must admit I love cartoon character matches.

Colin Montgomery - Dolphins savior Bill Parcells

Okay, so Monty was not in the field at the Masters. I'm making the rules here. This one's too good to leave out. I'm told that their mansierre cup sizes are the same too - I think they're both C-cups. Thanks to anonymous commenter for this one. "Anonymous" sure has been helpful today. Keep em coming...