Super Bowl - Fun with Photos

Okay, it's more "fun with photos." These are all "official" team photos. They are from the nfl.com website. I looked thru the photos of all the players on both Super Bowl teams, and found the most interesting ones. So, without further ado, here are my snide remarks about the more remarkable photos:

Smallest head - Dominic Hixon (WR - Giants)
Do they have helmets that small, or do they have to order special.





QB Who Looks Most Like a Lineman - Jared Lorenzen (QB - Giants)
Do they have helmets that big or do they have to order special? He reminds me of David Putty from Seinfeld. "Gotta support the team."




Looks most like a hipster - Kawika Mitchell (LB - Giants)
He looks like he should be ironically drinking a Pabst Blue Ribbon while ironically wearing a Members Only jacket while ironically listening to Hall & Oates and talking about how ironically awesome that "Walker: Texas Ranger" is. Unironically, he's probably a douchebag.








Dreads - Lawrence Maroney (RB), Brandon Meriweather (S), Asante Samuel (CB), Donte Stallworth (WR)
Get up stand up, stand up for your rights. I can only guess that Tom Coughlin does not allow dreads on his players, as all the Giants seem to be neatly shorn.


Looks Like He Just Woke Up - Nick Kaczur (OL - Pats)
"Dude, where's my car? Whaddaya mean, today's picture day?"





Most Pissed Off - Kevin Dockery (CB - Giants), Vince Wilfork (DL - Pats)
I don't want to piss them off more. Let's just say they look mad and move on...



Best Grill - Mike Jennings (WR - Giants)
"Rollin down the street, smokin' indo, sippin on Gin and Juice, laid back - with my mind on my money and my money on my mind."




Gayest Photo - Michael Strahan - (DL - Giants)
Look at that pose. it reminds me of the photo that Deb took of Uncle Rico in Napoleon Dynamite. All the other photos are straight on, look at the camera type photos, but Strahan decided to gay his up a bit. "Okay, now tilt your head a bit - perfect."



Crookedest Head - David Thomas (TE - Pats)
What the hell happened to this guy? His eyes are crooked, his head is assymetrical, his mouth is off-center. What a mess.




Happiest to Be Here - Larry Izzo (LB - Pats)
"Woo-hoo, when does practice start? You guys wanna go out later? Can I have a ride? Okay then, I'll meet you there? Hey, where are you guys going? Wait up!"

Super Bowl - Jeff Feagles

Football is clearly a young man's game. The average length of a career in the NFL is three and a half years. That's right - 3-1/2 years. So basically, your chosen career is over before you hit your late twenties - and that's if you are an average player. Clearly Jeff Feagles is above average. He is playing in his 20th NFL season. Of course, the main reason for this is that he is a punter. Even so, he has been at it for a long time. He has played for five teams in his career after playing at Miami and winning a national championship in 1987. This week, he'll be punting for the Giants in Super Bowl XLII - and he'll be doing it near his hometown, Phoenix.

Feagles was born March 7, 1966. He is almost as old as I am. Like me, he graduated from college in 1988. Due to his longevity, he holds just about every punting record in the NFL, including most punts and punting yardage. He is also a skilled negotiator. For most of his career, he wore number 10. When the Giants traded for Eli Manning on draft day in 2004, he agreed to let Eli have number 10 in exchange for Manning funding the Feagles family vacation. So he switched to number 17. When the Giants signed Plaxico Burress as a free agent the following year, he agreed to let Plax have 17 in exchange for a new outdoor barbecue addition to his house. He now wears 18. Well played. Here are some of his more obscure stats from his career:

• He's made a total of 7 tackles in his career. He did not make a single tackle until 2002, his 15th season. I think I found the key to his longevity.
• He's 0-for-8 passing in his career. His career passer rating of 39.6 is only slightly lower than Ryan Leaf's (50.0).
• He's lost three fumbles in his career, but he's recovered five fumbles. He's +2!
• Career rushing stats - 18 carries for -3 yards. He had a 12 yard gain for a first down in 1994.
• He holds the NFL record for consecutive games played, although it's a bit easier to punt for 320 games in a row rather than do what Jim Marshall did - play defensive tackle for 282 consecutive games.

Anyway, why would I write a post about a player that I have no previous connection to, and who plays the least demanding position on the field? Because he is my age and he's still playing professional football. Good on you, Jeff.

Super Bowl - Worst QB Performances

In honor of Super Bowl week, I thought I'd start out with a list of the worst QB performances in the history of the big game. After minutes of exhaustive research, I was able to come up with seven really atrocious games, but there were others that just missed the cut.

1. SB XX (Bears 46, Pats 10) - Tony Eason 0-6, 0 yds, 3 sacks
Eason was shell shocked by the Bears' intimidating defense (note the four Bears defenders on top of him in the picture above). He did not even make it to halftime. He remains the only starting QB in Super Bowl history to fail to complete a pass in the big game. In fairness, that Bears' defense may have been the best ever. Eason probably would have been stomped by a team full of mini-Ditkas too. Reportedly, Eason still wakes up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat with visions of Richard Dent and Dan Hampton rushing at him like they're starving lions and he's a limping baby zebra. He was treated at the Bethesda Naval Hospital for post-traumatic stress disorder, and is not allowed by his doctors to watch any football ever, for fear he'll have flashbacks and poop all over himself again.

2. SB XII (Cowboys 27, Broncos 10) - Craig Morton 4-15, 4 INT, 39 yards
Morton was totally outplayed by his former Dallas protege Roger Staubach. It got so bad that he was replaced by backup QB Norris Weese, who guided the Broncos to their lone TD of the game after the Cowboys went ahead 20-3. Morton is the only QB on this list twice. Sorry Craig, it's nothing personal. Uninterestingly enough, Craig Morton is a native of Flint, MI ("Flintian?").

3. SB XXXVII (Buccaneers 48, Raiders 21) - Rich Gannon 24-44, 5 INT
The attempts and completions don't look too terrible, but Gannon threw 5 INTs, and three of those were returned for Tampa touchdowns. Raiders coach Bill Callahan apparently did not feel that it was necessary to change their signals or plays or formations, despite the fact that Jon Gruden, the Bucs head coach, had been the Raiders head coach the previous season. Buccaneer defenders were quoted as saying they knew what each play was going to be before the snap. Not coincidentally, Bill Callahan is currently unemployed after taking the once glorious football program of the Nebraska Cornhuskers and turning it into something resembling Iowa State.

4. SB XVII (Skins 27,Phins 17) - David Woodley 4-14, 1 INT, 97 yards
Okay, granted the Skins offense kept the ball for over 36 minutes behind John Riggins. But Woodley was brutal. The Dolphins opened the scoring with a 76 yard TD pass from Woodley to Jimmy Cefalo, but after that they were shut down. Their other TD came on a kickoff return (Fulton Walker, woohoo). If you take away that long scoring pass, Woodley was 3-for-13 for 24 yards. He was replaced late in the game by Don Strock, who was 0-for-3 himself. On the bright side for Dolphins fans, Dan Marino was drafted the following year. On the not-so-bright-side, he couldn't manage to win a Super Bowl either.

5. SB IX (Steelers 16, Vikings 6) - Fran Tarkenton 11-26, 3 INT, 102 yards
Much like some of the others on this list, Fran was facing an awesome defense. The Steel Curtain only gave up 9 first downs for the game, and a total of 119 total yards. The Vikings only TD was a blocked punt recovered in the end zone - and they couldn't even manage to make the PAT. Fran had a miserable day, throwing 3 INTs and netting only 102 yards, as well as being tackled in the end zone for a safety for the first points of the game. The Steelers offense had the ball for over 38 minutes, behind MVP Franco Harris' 158 yards rushing. Tarkenton later went on to co-host "That's Incredible," which, after Super Bowl IX, was probably the second most embarrassing thing to happen to him (on TV).

6. SB V (Colts 16, Cowboys 13) - Craig Morton 12-26, 3 INT, 127 yards
Here's Morton again. I was a youngster when this was played, and it's a good thing I don't remember it. Based on looking at the box score and accounts of the game, it was a very sloppy contest. So sloppy, in fact, that at linebacker for the losing team was awarded the MVP (Chuck Howley). Despite Morton's crappiness, the Cowboys were still leading halfway thru the fourth quarter. But he threw two fourth quarter INTs that the Colts turned into the winning points. Fortunately for the Colts, their QBs (Unitas and Morrall) sucked a little less (combined 10-24, 3 INT, 235 yards).

7. SB III (Jets 16, Colts 7) - Johnny Unitas 11-24 1 INT / Earl Morrall 6-17 3 INT
The Colts were favored by 19 points in this game. Joe Namath famously guaranteed a Jets victory anyway. The QB play was the difference in this game. Namath played turnover-free football, and Unitas and Morrall stunk up the Orange Bowl. Morrall started and threw 3 INTs in the first half. Unitas came on in relief in the second half and led the Colts to their only TD late in the fourth quarter, but it was too late. This game was the catalyst for Joe Namath becoming the most overrated QB of all time.

In conclusion, some very good QBs had some very bad games at the very worst times against some very good defenses.

Tom Brady's Injury

Tom Brady's fake injury stunt has left me wanting more. A fake ankle injury? Why stop there? Why not be seen in public every day from now until the Super Bowl with a different fake injury, with the injury getting progressively worse each day? Starting tomorrow, here are my suggestions:

• Thursday, Jan. 24 - a band-aid on his chin


• Friday, Jan 25 - an eye patch





• Saturday, Jan. 26 - a wrist brace on his non-throwing hand


• Sunday, Jan 27 - a big obvious knee brace over the pants


• Monday, Jan 28 - a white gauze bandage around his entire head, with a bloody spot near one temple


• Tuesday, Jan 29 - his throwing arm in a sling


• Wednesday, Jan 30 - a vestigial parasitic twin attached to the side of his head




• Thursday, Jan 31 - a fake spear thru his chest


• Friday, Feb. 1 - neck brace with halo





• Saturday, Feb. 2 - undisclosed injury, being pushed around in wheelchair by cranky uncooperative nurse (think Nurse Ratched without the compassion) to fend off aggressive photogs

I think this would be a great way to ease the tension before the big game and break up the tedium of the two week layoff. Plus, it would be hilarious. Please leave your own suggestions in the comments.

Links

Well, my informal poll that started last week has ended. The results were more optimistic than I expected. I thought there might be a few more voting for 8 or less wins. A whopping total of 11 people cast votes and 4 people voted with me (11-12 wins), 4 people voted for 9-10 wins, and 3 people voted for 8 or less wins. So eight of the eleven who voted believe that Michigan's 2008 season will be as good or better than their 2007 season. I'm on board with that line of thinking. I'll take another poll after the golf outing to see if sentiments have changed, and to see if our recruiting class and the spring practices provide any reason for changing our minds - and to see if we can get more than 11 people to vote. Now, to employ the lazy blogger's favorite gimmick - links to other bloggers:

• American Beauty - hooray. It's high up on my all-time list as well...
• Urban Meyer recruiting gymnasts? The Urban Legend could be cheating...
• EDSBS's Fulmer Cup update. Oklahoma State takes the early lead...
• (In)Famous bigots in sports. In honor of MLK, here are some idiots that typify everything he was fighting against.
• Who is Ted Sarniak? He could be the dude that de-rails Terrelle Pryor's collegiate career.
• Men who look like old lesbians. It's pretty self-explanatory.

Super Bowl

I had a couple thoughts when I saw this photo on espn.com this morning:

• First of all, the walking boot he's wearing on his right foot is all part of Belichick's plan. He's not hurt, but the coach is playing with the Giants' heads. You think it's a coincidence that this photo was snapped in NYC?
• That small bouquet of flowers is the best you can do on a $8 million salary? For your supermodel girlfriend? Really? She is accustomed to flying all over the world to exotic locations for glamorous photo shoots and this little $25 bouquet is all you got? If he wants to make good use of the two weeks before the Super Bowl, he really should start it off with a little more flash and pizazz. For his sake, I'm hoping that the bag in his right hand contains some more interesting - no, make that mind-blowing - items, and that he does not leave Gisele's apartment until early next week. Contrary to popular belief, laughter is not in fact the best medicine. Sex with a supermodel is the best medicine. I think I read that somewhere.