Big Ten Preview - Fun with Names

I wanted to do a Big Ten Preview before the season gets started, but that would require actual work: you know - research, knowledge, etc. So, being a lazy-ass semi-blogger, I thought I would instead try the next best thing. Look at the rosters and pick out funny names. I guess that's "research" in a manner of speaking, since I had to read thru eleven lists of names and try to tenuously connect them. If anyone actually reads this, he or she might discover some of the names referenced herein are no longer on the these teams anymore. Let me preempt that by saying that I really don't care. I got the names from the rosters listed on ESPN.com and I don't intend to do any further research to validate the current enrollment status of any individuals listed. Anyway, here it is - The Big Ten Preview of Strange Names:

Girlie First Name, Badass Last Name
Whitney Mercilus, Illinois DL
If his parents had any sense, Whitney would not have even been a consideration with the last name "Mercilus." First choice should have been Ming D. Of course, the wife may not have liked that one, so at least something like Colossus, or Zeus, or Dontarrius, or Demetrius.

You May Have Knowledge, But We Have Wisdom
Wisdom Onyegbule, Illinois DL
Knowledge Timmons, PSU CB
Judging by their positions, I would say that Wisdom is much stronger than Knowledge, but Knowledge is a lot faster than Wisdom.

M'ost Unnecessary Use of an Apostro'phe
Brand'on Riggins, Purdue LB
J'Michael Deane, MSU OL
Da'Jon McKnight, Minnesota WR

Worst Case of Indecision by Parents
Stephfon Green, PSU RB
"I like the name Ste-fon. How do you think we should spell it? With a 'ph' or an 'f'?"
"I don't know. Fuck it. Let's do both. S-T-E-P-H-F-O-N."

Scrabble
Xzavian Brandon, Minnesota WR
"Wouldn't it be cool to have our baby's name be the highest possible scrabble score? We should put an X and a Z in the name. That's 20 points right there. Oh yeah, V's are worth four points too. Let's add one of those. Can I have another hit?"

Most Cartoonish Name
Will Suess, Indiana QB
"I will not throw up INTs
I will not flinch when they dive into my knees
I will not wait for Lewis to leave
I want to start now, if you please
I'd like to throw to Andrew Means
To either sideline or in between
I wish I wasn't such a loser
But I'm the one who chose the Hoosiers"

New Members of The Reggie Cleveland All-Stars
Wisconsin DL O'Brien Schofield
This dude sounds like a white lacrosse player from a prep school somewhere in New England. Apparently, he's a black guy from Chicago.

Purdue WR Joe Whitest
Indiana has a guy named Larry Black. Minnesota has a guy named Damien White. But only Purdue has the Whitest. Wide Receiver Joe Whitest, that is. Oddly enough, Joe Whitest is a black man, as pictured at right.

Buy a Vowel? Donate a Consonant?
Wisconsin offensive lineman Jake Bscherer's name seems to either be missing at least one vowel, or has too many consonants. Perhaps you could donate one of your consonants to Minnesota LB Logan U'u (I'm not even sure how you pronounce that one). Jake, if you donate your B, the two of you would be "Scherer" and "Ubu."

Most Appropriate Name
The Illini have an offensive lineman named Eric Block. It seems quite appropriate - like a library cop named Bookman, or an ice cream man named Cone.

Other Cool Names
-Michigan WR Martavious Odoms - It just flows off the tongue. "Back to receive the punt - Martavious Odoms. Punt fumbled by Martavious Odoms."
-Minnesota RB Shady Salamon - If his nickname is not "Slim," someone is not doing their job.
-Purdue WR Desmond Tardy - He's always late for practice.
-Illinois DL Clay Nurse - Is that a nurse that is made out of clay, or a nurse who helps treat clay objects?
-Wisconsin WR Nick Toon - Isn't that a show on Nickelodeon late at nite? Nicktoons?
-Minnesota DT Jewhan Edwards - I'm not sure how to make a joke out of this one, but there is definitely something funny about it.
-Illinois QB Juice Williams - I could not leave this one off the list. Announcers no doubt have fun with using "Juice got squeezed" at every opportunity.
-Indiana has two different guys with the first name "Keegan." There oughta be a one-Keegan-per-team quota. Get to work on this, NCAA.
-There are several instances of the names Deon and Dante being combined to form some strange hybrid name. But none are spelled quite the same: Deante, Diauntae, Dionte, Deon, Deandre, Diondrae, Donsay, and Deonte.

Corporate Sell-Out
Purdue FB Frank Halliburton used to be Frank Enron before Enron went belly up. He got new sponsorship deal and has a job lined up with Halliburton after he graduates. This is all legal under NCAA rules, but Frank cannot accept a free pizza or oilfield services from Halliburton until his eligibility is used up.

A Whole Lotta Love
Indiana has WR Charles Love and OL Kenny Love. Michigan State has WR Terry Love. Minnesota has CB Daron Love.

The Illini have Juice, Wisdom, Mercilus, Block, and Nurse. The Gophers have Xzavian, Jewhan, Shady, U'u, Da'Jon, and one Love. It's too close to call...

Go Blue!

Tropical Storms and Super Bowls

Tropical Storm Edouard crawls toward Texas

The Assman lives in the Houston area, and Tuesday the big news was Tropical Storm Edouard. It was supposed to hit Galveston and then tear across Houston and destroy property and create havoc. Many businesses downtown (including my employer) told their employees to stay home, just to be safe. You may have read about the storm, but it turned out to be largely unimpressive. We live west of Houston and we got about three inches of rain, but no wind. It was not really any different from a normal spring or summer storm. But what struck me about the storm was the intense media coverage. As you might expect, there was wall-to-wall coverage on all local networks (there's nothing else on daytime TV anyway). All the networks had reporters stationed throughout the area, undoubtedly hoping for some horrific footage and spectacular visuals. Tuesday, however, the field reports were quite lame.

It was not too dissimilar to coverage of the Super Bowl. It can be divided into three categories:

1. Before the storm (The Pre-Game Show)
While waiting for the storm to make landfall, the reporters were standing by at various gulf coast locations. Reporters told us that it was getting windy, but you couldn't really tell until they showed the bushes moving. "Steve, the wind is starting to pick up a bit, and if the cameraman will pan over here you'll be able to see the leaves on this small bush start to move. See that? Now, if you'll pan to the harbor you can see the waves have started to pick up as well. See how the surface is moving? Our wind gauge is now showing about 20 mile-per-hour wind gusts." Granted, a lot of Houston area residents were concerned about the storm, but the constant "pre-game" stuff was unnecessary. The weathermen in the studio with their fancy radar, mega-doppler, and what-have-you was very informative. The on-site reporters? Not so much.

Similarly, the the Super Bowl pre-game shows tell us all what they think is gonna happen, but like the weathermen, they are usually wrong. In addition to telling us what's going to happen during the game, the pre-game team, led by several on-field reporters live from inside and outside the stadium, will tell us what the current mood is: "Well Joe, the mood during warm-ups was quite loose. The defense really was intense and focused," or "The Giants just got off the bus." Like the on-site weather dudes, these guys generally provide no insight. Like the pre-game show for the storm, the football pre-game show is full of hype and hyperbole, and does not really add anything to your enjoyment of the game. They have to throw in the occasional Erin Andrews interview to keep things interesting.

2. During the storm (The Game)
After the storm made landfall, the networks were looking for their money shot. Shots of reporters being pelted with rain drops are not so dramatic when the winds are only 40 mph, as opposed to the hurricane footage where reporters are struggling to stand against the 120 mph winds. The best we got from Tuesday's storm was something like, "Steve, the raindrops are falling diagonally from the sky, and the drops are actually stinging my face." Whoop-de-damn-doo. Just as much information could be gathered by showing footage from the various traffic cameras that are positioned throughout the area.

This is the only important part of the Super Bowl experience - the game itself. Just like with the weather reporting during the storm, what happens in-game is what the audience is looking for - the money shot, if you will. For the storm, it's flying debris, reports of heavy damage, and pictures sent in from camera phones. For the football game, it's hard hits, a beautiful spiral nestling into the arms of a receiver in the back of the end zone, a great block by a pulling guard, gratuitous upskirt shots of cheerleaders, finding the hottest chicks in the crowd, showing the stars of the new Fox sitcom sitting together in the stands.

3. After the storm (The Post-Game Show)
After the storm had mostly passed through the area, the "post-game show" began. Where is there flooding? Who's lost power? How much rain fell. How injured are the on-site reporters? How does it rank with previous storms? And the inane cell phone calls from ordinary citizens. Yesterday's storm, being rather lame, did not yield too many breathless calls from local residents fearing for their lives.

Much like the weather post-game show shows the aftermath of the storm, the football post-game show shows the aftermath of the game: highlights, stats, injury reports, on-site retrospectives/recaps. Usually, they both have the same ultimate result: disappointment. The storm and the Super Bowl rarely live up to the pregame hype. Every storm is going to cause MAJOR DAMAGE, and every Super Bowl is going to be the BEST EVER.

Team USA Olympics - Fun with Names

Well, the Summer Olympics are coming up (opening ceremonies are on Friday) and for the most part, I have no particular insight into who's going to win. Most of the events in the Summer Olympics are pretty obscure. I can't even begin to tell anyone with any degree of certainty who's going to win the fencing medals (or what the rules of fencing are, or the names of anyone participating, or...). I can, however, make fun of names. Here are some of the more interesting names on the US team:

Men's 100m
The US has two competitors named Gay and Dix. People ask me all the time, "Who do you like in this race?" And I'll tell you what I tell them: "A lot of people like Dix here, but not me - I'm a Gay man*. Go Gay!"

*I'm not actually gay (not that there's anything wrong with that).

Women's Heptathlon
Hyleas Fountain is one of the US competitors in the heptathlon. Her name sounds like a landmark, not an athlete. "You're looking for directions to the park? Okay, turn right at the next light. Then, take a left at Hyleas Fountain. You can't miss it..."

Pop Quiz: Which of these two photos shows Hyleas Fountain?

Women's 400m
DeeDee Trotter is in this event, but something tells me she would be better suited for distance running. Where is BeeBee Sprinthoff? Or GiGi Fasterton?

Women's 200m
Marshevet Hooker is running this race, and I for one find it shocking to find a Hooker anywhere near an Olympic venue. If the Chinese government gets wind of this, she'll be detained until the games have been completed, at which time she can resume her hooker-esque behavior.

Women's 400m Hurdles
Queen Harrison's parents must have had some high aspirations for their daughter. She's not a queen yet, but she did make the Olympic team. The announcers and writers are just salivating at the possibility of the puns they could potentially use if she wins. "Queen rules the hurdles," is but one lame example of the pain we may have to endure.

Women's Soccer
The women's soccer team has not only has Mitts, but also Cox and a Boxx. "Do I like green eggs and ham? I do not like them Sam I Am. I will not eat them with Stephanie Cox, I will not eat them with Shannon Boxx. But I would like to eat them with Heather Mitts, but only if she shows her..."

Men's Soccer
The men's soccer team has Maurice Edu and Freddy Adu. I'm not sure if that's funny or not, but it is strange.

Shawns
There are several permutations of the name Shawn on the US Olympic team. For the men, Shawn Crawford will be running the 200m. LaShawn Merritt will be running the 400m. Bershawn Jackson will be running the 400 meter hurdles. Tayshaun Prince will be lacing up the sneakers for the hoops team. Shawn Estrada will be boxing in the middleweight division. Sean Rooney is an outside hitter on the volleyball squad. Sean McLelland is a skeet shooter.

On the women's side, Chaunte Howard will be competing in the high jump. LaShaunte'a Moore will be available to help out on the 4x100m relay team. Shawn Johnson will be leading the gymnastics team. Shani Marks is a triple jumper.

Most Melanin-Deficient Sounding Teams
The USA Baseball team sounds more like a fraternity pledge class and less like a team of world class athletes: Jake, Trevor, Jeremy, Brandon, Blaine, Casey, Taylor, Jason, Jayson.

Similarly, the USA Women's Field Hockey team sounds like roll call at my daughter's preschool: Lauren, Katelyn, Lauren, Jesse, Tiffany, Kayla, Rachel, Kate.

Team with Most Soap Opera Names
The Men's Volleyball team has several members whose parents got their names right off the "Soap Opera Names" website, if such a thing exists: Reid Priddy, Clay Stanley, Riley Salmon, Gabe Gardner, Hugh McCutcheon. All that's missing is someone named Frisco, Steele or Ridge.

Most Obvious Use of Foreign Ringers
Table Tennis: David Zhuang, Wang Chen, Gao Jun, Chrystal Huang. What has happened to American dominance in ping pong? Have we fallen so far behind in table tennis that we have to outsource to Asia, even for the Olympics? Why doesn't the USOC have any funding set aside for inner city table tennis training? I want my tax dollars spent on American table tennis development, not on outsourcing. We have the resources here in this country. There are ping pong tables in millions of American basements and fraternities. Who's with me? Anyone?

Happy Birthday MTV - You Suck!

Oh no, it's another "This Day In History" post. Deal with it...

On this day in 1981 (27 years ago!), MTV made it's debut at 12:01 am, starting off with "Video Killed The Radio Star" by the Buggles. Some might view this event as something to celebrate. I'm not necessarily one of those people. Don't get me wrong - I have nothing against videos in general. They can be a welcome distraction and sometimes are interesting. At the risk of sounding like an old crotchety windbag (which in all fairness, I am), to me MTV ceased being relevant or interesting many years ago. Let me be the 1,726th blogger to rail against the ills of the MTV. Here are my beefs with MTV, both currently and in the past:

1. They don't show videos
The moniker "MTV" stands for "Music Television." Originally, the concept was that MTV would show music videos 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Fine. In the early days, this was fantastic, because the videos were new and interesting, in addition to being a novel concept. Sure, there were not a lot of them, which led to replaying some videos over and over again. Sure, the quality of the videos left a lot to be desired (in hindsight). But they were showing music videos more or less constantly. A few years ago, MTV just stopped showing music videos. They air awards shows, reality shows, game shows, dating shows, "idiotic stunts" shows, etc. It's not really "Music Television" anymore - it's more like "Pop Culture for People Under 25 Television." Where is there a place for videos from good rock and pop bands like Wilco, Old 97s, Ryan Adams, Steve Earle, Bright Eyes, Son Volt, Ben Harper, Robert Randolph & The Family Band, Death Cab for Cutie, My Morning Jacket, etc?

2. "Image is everything"
Music videos became ubiquitous due to the existence of MTV. Every record label now has to consider the video when they are making a CD. This led to empty headed prima donna no talent "artists" who looked good in front of the camera being featured on MTV - hair bands (Poison, Cinderella, etc), Britney Spears, Duran Duran, boy bands (NSync, Backstreet Boys, etc), etc. Good old rock and roll has been diminished because of MTV and their repeated play of crappy videos that featured scantily clad skanks, and artists that are only getting played because they dress a certain way or look a certain way. The Rolling Stones would not have stood a chance if they had gotten their start in the MTV era. That is one ugly band.

3. Reality TV
I place the blame for the current reality TV craze squarely on the shoulders of MTV. When "The Real World" debuted in 1992, the downward spiral began. Granted, not every scripted show on TV is some sort of award winning endeavor, but some are worthwhile diversions. Thanks to MTV, instead of scripted shows, we have shows in which people stab each other in the back and connive and scheme to vote each other off the show (Big Brother, Survivor, etc.), shows in which participants race to see who can eat testicles and bugs the fastest (Fear Factor, etc.), shows in which people humiliate themselves in order to potentially "date" a famous attention whore (Tila Tequila, Flavor of Love, I Love New York, Rock of Love, etc.), shows in which people compete for the chance to date a non-famous attention whore (The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, etc.), shows in which odd stunts are performed in a race to a finish line (Amazing Race, Road Rules, etc.), shows that are supposedly unscripted, but are so well lit and filmed that there is obviously writing and re-shooting involved (The Hills, Laguna Beach, etc.), shows that display the vapid excessiveness of celebrities and non-celebrities alike (Cribs, My Super Sweet Sixteen, etc.), and shows that are just about someones insane and/or unusual behavior at home with their family (The Osbornes, Newlyweds, Breaking Bonaduce, The Kardashians, etc.). It's all thanks to MTV and The Real World.

What started out as a great idea - making videos as a complement to the audio of popular music - has turned into a steaming pile of crap. Who knew how apropos the first video shown on MTV would be: Video did indeed kill the radio star.

Now get off my lawn, you hooligans! I will not tolerate any more shenanigans from you youngsters!

Golf Outings - Revisited

Well, once again our yearly golf trip up north was a rousing success and just about everyone involved had a great time. We even had a near hole-in-one. However, there are many mysteries that become apparent when you get home to your wife and kids. Each and every one of us at this year's golf outing probably faced similar questions upon their return home from the idyllic setting of a Northern Michigan summer. How is John's wife? How old are their kids? What does Dave do for a living? How's Scott's dad? Does Steve still work for Company X? How do they like their new house? What's his wife's name? How is Kraig doing without a spleen? How could you spend four hours on a golf cart with the guy and not know what he does for a living? Don't you guys ever talk?

So, in order to head off the intense cross-examination of the womenfolk after a long golf weekend, I propose that we fill out a questionnaire prior to next year's outing (and really, this could apply to hunting trips, fishing trips, poker nights, etc.) that answers all questions that the wives might have regarding our friends in the golf outing:

Name:
Age:
Graduating class year:
College degrees (and grad schools attended):
Spouse's name (if applicable):
Nickname in college, with explanation (if necessary):
Current city of residence (state if this is a new location or old one):
Current occupation (state if this is a new employer or an old employer):
Number of kids, with names and ages:
Recent significant accomplishments of kids:
Any recent health scares:
Any recent deaths in family:
Family vacations taken recently:
Family vacations planned in the near future:

Now that we've got that out of the way, as a public service, I've put together some acceptable topics of conversation on golf outings with other dudes:

- The hot beer cart girl, and what you'd like to do to her
- The ugly beer cart girl, and what's she'd probably like to do to you
- The frequency of your golfing activities
- Which of "the old gang" you run into or e-mail on a regular basis
- How much you suck at golf
- How lame Ted is
- Ted's mom
- Caddyshack
- Sexual conquests from the past
- How much better your kids are than their kids
- Sports of any kind
- Beer or hard liquor (and who needs a refill)
- Which way a putt breaks
- Which club you are using

And here are some unacceptable topics of conversation on golf outings with other dudes:
- The cart girl is about the same age as your daughter
- How much you love your wife, even if you do
- What type of product you prefer to use in your hair
- Religion
- How pissed off you are that a certain friend did not hire your firm to represent his client in a civil case
- In general, work related stuff is bad, but it's okay if it ends with something funny
- Wine (that's right, wine snobs - I'm looking at you)
- How you (or your team) are not getting enough strokes ("Who made up these handicaps? There's no way I'm a 15. I shot 105 last time I played.")
- Caddyshack II
- How cool it would be to get a hole-in-one (just like a pitcher who is pitching a no-hitter - you don't talk about it and jinx it)

I was a little disappointed in the general skepticism that many of the guys (100% Michigan alumni) showed regarding the RichRod era. Personally, as I have stated previously on this blog, I am excited and intrigued by the new coaching staff. I was not one of the guys calling for Lloyd's head, but I am genuinely optimistic about this season. Michigan is nowhere in the rankings, and teams may start out taking them lightly - at their own peril. The main strength of the spread offense is it's versatility. It exploits matchups. If the 6'5" TE is lined up against a 5'9" DB, you throw it to him. If the FB is in the flat against a smallish CB, toss the ball his way and let him mow the guy down like a road grader. If the DL is spread across the field, run thru the gaps. If the fancy-pants new offense does not get it done for some reason (the inexperienced offensive line is my biggest concern), the defense should be good enough to keep the Wolverines in most games.

Anyway, more in-depth analysis may come in a couple weeks, but for now, I'm still sticking with 9-3 as my prediction.

Please add more ideas for the questionnaire in the comments. I have almost a full year to come up with something for next year's outing...

Tour de France

So the 2008 Tour de France is nearing its finish in Paris on Sunday. Top reasons most of you aren't even aware of this:
- Lance Armstrong has retired after winning SEVEN of these things and now gets more press for canoodling with Kate Hudson than getting on a bike
- Another American winner, Floyd Landis, was disqualified and failed in his appeal to clear his name from doping charges.
- It's in France, and you're probably more likely to know about the big WNBA brawl between Los Angeles and Detroit than a bunch of guys riding bikes.
- The only real coverage for it is on Versus, a tertiary cable sports station and its website (http://www.versus.com/tdf/)



Here are a few reasons why you should pay attention:

- These guys ride over 2,000 miles in three weeks with only two rest days
- Each stage (save the two time trials) is around 100 miles and the insane mountain stages include climbs that most of us wouldn't want to walk, let alone ride up on a bike
- It's not only an individual sport, but there are teams of nine riders each who work together to help their lead rider win
- The coverage on Versus is great. The announcers are fantastic and really make it interesting. If you catch yourself ever watching the travel channel, this is as good or better for promoting the French mountains and countryside
- The fans are nuts and love it. I'm really hoping to go see one in person in the future








I believe Lawman said he got to witness this awesome spectacle in person once. I'd love to hear more. These guys get going at speeds of over 50 miles an hour on their descents. They eat, drink and even piss on their bikes. They have arms leaner than a supermodel, but their legs can crank out wattage like you wouldn't believe. It's incredible. And regarding the whole doping mess that's practically brought down the Tour, they are more strict than ever and have a no-tolerance policy where they are actively seeking out anyone suspicious and subjecting them to random testing. A few riders were booted this year. It's crazy. Why if you know they're doing this would you put yourself in that situation. These riders have been fired from their teams without pay and banned from riding for the forseeable future.

Cadel Evans, from Australia, looks like he's going to overtake Carlos Sastre of Spain to win this, but he'll have to make up a 1:34 gap in Saturday's time trial. They say he's a better time trial rider. Sunday's final stage into Paris and the Champs-Elysees is more ceremonial than anything, where tradition has it that the rider that starts the day in the lead gets to finish with it.

I'm just getting more and more into cycling myself, but would love to hear other riders and fans comment and talk about their thoughts with the Tour and professional cycling.